Never to be one to stand on my own two feet. Maddog packed up his belongings and moved back to NYC last night. Oh, wait. That's not what happened. I packed up my blog and moved to WordPress following in the shoes of Spider, Kelly, Ur-Spo and many other favorites. My new URL is: http://maddoginthecity.wordpress.com/ don't forget to make the change in your blogroll and links. We wouldn't want you to miss a single minute of Maddog's adventures. Especially now that he's in San Diego and playing with "gay" people. Boys to be specific.

So drop by my new house, tell me what you think. I'm open to suggestions, criticism, and praise. You name it, I can take.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Maddog

I'm still a sick Maddog. I've come to the realization that breathing is highly over rated. Especially through the nose. If God had meant for us to breath through our nose he wouldn't have given us other options. Right? I'm going to try and get to bed early tonight hoping some good rest will hit the spot.

In other news, I'm travelling to San Diego tomorrow. I'll be there until Monday. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to being around other people. I haven't had a non-school related conversation with someone face-to-face in almost six weeks. It'll be great to talk about politics, and movies, and drink beer with people that I know. If I weren't sick I'd be jumping up and down with joy right now.

In Iowa news. I had another mediocre meal tonight. I'm now o for 10 in the food world. Ten meals out of ten mediocre meals. Tonight the chair of the department treated all of us out for dinner to welcome me to the department and to treat the woman who is here designing scenery for the spring show. My big question is: How is the meat tough? By my best guess, it was alive on a pig farm down the street two minutes ago. It was probably eating breakfast this morning without a care in the world and now it's sitting on my plate covered in yucky barbecue sauce and so tough it would take 3 days to chew through it. And to make matters worse the portions are huge. I wouldn't mind so much, if the food was good. But why make a situation worse by giving me more bad food than I would ever want. I've decided to give up eating out in Iowa. Maybe I'll treat myself to Hardee's, McDonald's, or Dairy Queen. At least then I know what the food will taste like and I won't be expecting more than I get.

On a better note the temperature has been in the 50's for the past few days. Which is good and bad. Good because I was just about done with the extremely cold weather. Bad for two reasons. The first: The warm weather melts the snow during the day. At night the temperature drops back down below freezing and for the past three days I've ice skated home. And if any of you know me, you'd know how non-athletic I am. I've almost hit the ground at least a dozen times. This leads to me bad reason number two. There are no street lights to light my way from school to home. I walk home blindly lit by the passing cars or what little light spills from the living rooms of the houses I pass. Therefore, it's impossible to see the ice on the side walk until you are already skating across it. Or even better, you can't see the puddle in the middle of the walk until you are ankle deep in ice cold water. Both feet were soaked tonight before I got home.

Did I mention that I was going to San Diego where it's always warm and never rains. Somebody slap me the next time I say I miss winter.

I can't breathe. I haven't been able to breathe all day. And to make matters worse, my nose is running. I finally had to excuse myself today in class to go get tissue because I could no longer hide the fact that my nose was running.

I don't think I mentioned it but I had a job interview on Friday. I had the first interview to be hired for the full time tenure track position in Iowa. The interview went amazingly well. I don't think I could have been more on if I had wanted to. I had all the right answers and was able to answer all the questions honestly, with the answers I think they are looking for. Of course now it's just wait and see. I feel like the interview went well because I'm not 100% sure that I want the job. I just don't know if living in small town America is for me. But who knows we'll have to wait and see. But I do think that interviews for jobs you don't want always go better because there's no pressure. If it works out great. If it doesn't great.

I also know that someone from my small town is reading my blog. The hit shows up every couple of days on my site counter. I continue to hope that it's the guy that I met on line who told me he had found my blog. I would hate to think that some student of mine has found me and reading my deep dark secrets. Actually, I haven't told any truly deep dark secrets in a while. The more I get to know all of you the more I edit myself. I don't want you to find out what I am really like because then you won't like me. At least that's my perception.

I woke up yesterday with the beginnings of a cold. I attributed most of it to allergies, so I took some Claritin and after a couple of hours felt okay and I thought the worst of it was behind me. That was not the case. I woke up this morning and it was back with a vengeance. I'm congested, tired, sneezing and just feel overall like crap. I found the local pharmacy and bought some Sudafed Sinus medicine. It's helped a little but I still feel like crap. I got home around 4:00 and by 4:15 I was taking a nap. I had thought I would sleep for about 30 minutes. I woke up to the phone ringing at 7:00. I had been SOUNDLY asleep, dreaming about school. Who knows how long I would have slept if the phone hadn't woke me up. I will probably never get to sleep tonight after sleeping so late in the afternoon.

The worst part about the cold is that I'm a terrible sick person. I have the hardest time functioning when I am sick and like to do pretty much nothing but sleep. Unfortunately, I have a very busy week. Classes are going to take a lot of planning. In fact, one class I'm winging tomorrow, because I just didn't have the energy to do what I had planned. I'm also in the process of doing a design for the local high school. They have a brand new theatre space and this will be their first fully produced production. It's not a very complicated show, but it still takes work. I was surprised last Friday with the information that the design had to be completed before I left to go to San Diego on Thursday. I spent the weekend figuring out the rough designs. Tomorrow after class, I have to solidify my ideas and start drafting them. I don't like drafting on a good day, but I especially don't like it when I am sick. Perhaps Donnie or Digital would like to do some drafting for me? Luckily the design isn't very complicated and shouldn't take long to do, it's just the reality that I have to do it.

I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

What I learned today in small town America.

Audiences in a full theatre here behave just like they do in theatres in NYC. I went to see Bridge to Terabithia and the theatre was packed with screaming kids. There were at least two people who answered their cell phones and then there were the two teenagers who were eventually escorted from the theatre for throwing popcorn, farting, and disturbing everyone in the back of the theatre. For two plus hours I really felt like I was back in the big city. Just for the record the movie is not for small children. It's really for kids 9 or 10 year olds. Unfortunately, the average age today was about 4 and they were BORED.

I also learned that unlike NYC people here don't assume what your buying should go in a bag. I went to the Kum and Go (Insert joke here) last night and the girl looked at me like I had three heads when I asked for a bag for my things. The same thing happened today at the grocery store. Is it too much to ask that when you buy something that it can be put into something you can carry.

After almost six weeks in Iowa I've yet to find a restaurant in town that has decent food. Tonight I tried Chinese. I've heard since I got here which Chinese place is best and was told in fact that the one next to the coffee shop was excellent. I guess excellent is relative. I had the worst broccoli chicken I've ever had. It's was completely lacking in flavor and I almost didn't know I was eating. It was more than a little disappointing.

That's it today for Life Lessons in Iowa.

I keep learning a lot about small town life. For example today I learned that just because it's the best diner in town, doesn't mean it's the best diner ever. I ventured out in the fresh snow today to get breakfast out for the first time since moving here. I had been directed to the A & M Diner about 10 or so blocks from my house, so around 10:30 or so I headed over.

I wanted to take pictures but I wasn't sure that the locals would like it much. Let's just say it's a DIVE! In fact, there was an entry door that led into the restaurant, except it opened up on to what looks like a large storage closet. In that room there were about 5 or so solid doors an old refrigerator some boxes and other odds and ends. One of the doors had a hand written sign that said "pull to enter." I wasn't sure what to expect or even if I was in the right place, but I went to the door and pulled. Inside was the seating area for the restaurant. It was a huge open space with a concrete floor, plastic chairs and old signs on the wall. At one end of the room was a Christmas tree on a stage that had been decorated for Valentine's Day. The room was so thick with smoke that you could cut it with a knife.

The restaurant was about half full and I wandered in looking for a place to sit. I was also looking for a place I could breathe. The seating area is quite large and I kept moving all the way to the back corner. There was a booth open. I sat down and waited. Scattered around the room was thirty or so people and my guess would be that 75% of them over the age of 10 were smoking. Luckily my corner seemed to be out of the air flow. After about 10 minutes or so "Flo" showed up with a menu and water. The menu looked like it had seen better days. "Flo" went off to get me a Diet Pepsi and I began to look for breakfast. I decided on a ham and cheese omelet and a cinnamon roll. "Flo came back, took my order and was off again. I might add at this point that the most expensive thing on the menu was 6.50 I think. It was for some sort of lunch meal.

I waited a few minutes and my cinnamon roll appeared. It was huge, smothered in icing and looked great. Ah, but disappointment was soon to present itself. The roll had the consistency and taste of white bread. It was soft and mushy and had no flavor. In fact if it weren't covered in icing it would have had no flavor at all. I ate about half of it, because I was starving and still waiting for my breakfast. Eventually my omelet was dropped off. I might start by saying that most of the ingredients were on the outside. The cheese was melted on top of the eggs and the ham was sprinkled on top of that. And it tasted awful. I wouldn't even know how to describe it other than awful. I ate about a half of it. Luckily, it's hard to screw up hash browns and toast so those were enough to fill me up.

"Flo" had dropped off the check with the omelet in true diner fashion. The bill was totalled but it was easy to see that the entire thing was less than ten dollars. My favorite part of the morning was that omelet was spelled omlet on the check. I took a deep breath and headed for the cashier. I paid and was out the door.

As I said I have been told that this is the best diner in town. I'm not even sure where the other one is and I have been assured it's too far to walk. What I do know is this one is not worth the walk. If I go back it will only be to take pictures for you guys so you can see the proof of what I'm talking about.

It's been a great day. I actually saw another gay man in town tonight. Before you get excited it's not like we had sex or anything. In fact we didn't even speak. We just kind of glanced at each other across the coffee shop secretly knowing the truth.

I discovered that one of the coffee shops in town also functions as a bar. So on Monday and then again today, I went there to prep for my classes and to have a beer. It's been kind of nice being out where other people are and since I don't/can't drink coffee after lunch or it keeps me up all night, beer is the perfect alternative. So today I got to the coffee shop around 4:00 and ordered my beer and a bowl of tomato soup and got to work. It took about an hour an half to get my notes together for tomorrow. I then ordered another beer, and scanned my notes. While I had been there the place had kind of cleared out and since I knew talking on my cell phone wouldn't bother anyone I decided to catch up on some calls. While I was on the phone... in walked Mr. Gay Man. As he walked in and to the back of the shop, he glanced at me three or four times. He settled in and I continued my phone call, but every once in a while I noticed him watching me. Unfortunately, he was with a number of other people and so there wasn't a time for us to talk. It was nice though at least seeing someone else gay. And he was kind of cute. He was probably in his late 40's with just a touch of grey at the temples. And he was short, and you know how I like my short boys. I may just have to go hang out there some more and see if he shows up. I'll keep you posted.

Hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day.

Maddog's Monday check-in on Tuesday:

I haven't posted in the last couple of days because I haven't had much to say. There's not much going on here and if I have one more conversation just about the weather I'm going to scream. I've been talking to my mother almost once a day and she can talk about the weather for 40 minutes without talking about anything else.

So what has been going on with me? I went to the movies twice over the weekend. As I reported Happily N'ever After sucked. However, I did see Dreamgirls again. It was just as engaging the second time as it was the first. The audience was more reserved and no one applauded but I felt like they were enjoying it as much as I was. Overall, it's a great movie and it's easy to see why Jennifer Hudson is getting the attention that she is.

I applied for two jobs last week. One was the full time position here in Iowa. The other was in Oklahoma. The job application process for Oklahoma sucked. It all had to be done on line and the catch is there is no way to go back and add documents once you process the application. Unfortunately, I didn't' have electronic copies of my transcripts so I don't know if I'll be considered for the position or not. At this point, I'm not too worried about it. I do have a phone interview scheduled for the job here in Iowa. I have no idea what to expect and I'm not even sure I want the job, but at the very least it will be practice interviewing which I haven't done in a while.

As for my weight this week. I gained 1.5 pounds last week. This isn't as bad as I thought it would be but it's still not losing. I have been eating everything in sight...well not really but too much to lose weight. It's all out of boredom and I'm aware of this. Unfortunately, I am bored.

The one saving grace is that I leave for San Diego in a week and a half. I'm going out for four days to go my friend's memorial service. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone as well as having some warm weather.

Have a great rest of the week.

I dropped off my application materials today. The results are now out of my hands. The secretary was kind of funny, commenting on the fact that I was turning in my stuff a week late. I didn't tell her that I wasn't going to apply at all. I just ask her not to hold it against me and left it at that. We'll see in the next week or so how this turns out.

I also mailed out seven scarves today. Unfortunately, I was boxing up the last scarf when I realized I had never taken a picture of them. You'll just have to trust me that this batch was nicer than the last batch. I realized today that it actually cost more to mail them, than it does to buy the materials. Not that I mind. It really is a labor of love. It's also been a way for me to reach out to my blogger friends. This guy asked for a scarf for himself and his dog Diamond. And this guy asked for a rainbow scarf. Both scarves have been finished. One is on the way, including a scarf for Diamond, and the other scarf will be mailed on Monday. I have started my own little club of people who have Maddog scarves.

I also went to the movies today. Since it's only $4.00 a movie here for a matinee I don't sweat going much. In NYC it's almost $11.00 bucks so to go very often gets to be expensive. Today I saw Happily N'Ever After. It was awful. In fact, if I'd had just about anything else to do tonight I would have left about 30 minutes into it. But since I'm in Iowa with little else to do, I stayed. It did not get better. I highly recommend NOT seeing this film, even at home on DVD. There was nothing redeeming about it. Of course going to the movie did allow me to see the guy who works at the theatre. He's by far the best looking guy I've seen in Iowa. He's been there every time I've gone and it's always a pleasure to see him.

That's it for this very cold Friday night. I hope everyone has a wonderful, and relaxing weekend.

I keep forgetting that I am not in Kansas anymore. So what did I discover today.

Did you know you can still smoke in restaurants? I guess I knew this but it's been so long since I witnessed it, I had forgotten. You can't smoke in restaurants in NYC, you definitely can't smoke in them in California, and surprisingly enough you can't smoke in them in Lexington, KY. You can however, smoke in them at Kelcy's Restaurant up the street. I discovered this when I was informed tonight that there was no seating available in nonsmoking and if I wanted a table I'd have to sit in smoking. It didn't give me a lot of choices, so I took it. It wasn't too bad, luckily the only people smoking were the waitress and hostess. Yes, you heard that right the only people smoking, in the smoking section were the hostess and waitress.

Next, I discovered that you can pay for dinner with a check. I didn't even know checks still exist. I pay everything on line except for my rent. But as I sat and ate dinner, patron and after patron wrote checks to pay for their dinner. In fact here in Iowa you can write a check for any purchase at all. Most people here have never heard of an ATM card or credit card. You find yourself standing in line waiting as little old ladies write check, after check, after check.

I also discovered that people are still hung up on the French not joining us in Iraq. Tonight I got American Fries. Which look like French fries. Taste like French fries. And smell like French fries. But I guess they can't be French fries, because, well you all remember.

I also discover that Citgo, the store that "Almost Never Closes" according to the big sign on the front of their store, closes at 10:00. I don't know when they would close if they were "almost always closed", or "almost always closes early".

These are all the lessons I learned today. I'm sure the longer I am here the more I'll learn about life in the Midwest.

As for the job applications, every thing's been proofed and re-proofed and I think it's ready to go. I'll get up in the morning and take it all to school. Who knows what will happen but as my recovery friends say, "I've taken the action, I'll let go of the results."

I was called into the department chairs office yesterday after class. In fact, she interrupted my class to let me know that she wanted to see me. My first thought was, OH NO! I've done something wrong. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was and then I realized what she wanted. She wanted to talk to me about why I hadn't applied for the tenure track position that they are hiring for.

As soon as class was over I stopped by her office, and I was right. That's what she wanted to talk to me about. I tried to explain my reasoning to her but she was having no part of it. She specifically asked me to get my application materials to her by the end of the week. I didn't know what to say, so I agreed.

I spent most of yesterday pretending that everything was ready to go, knowing of course that it wasn't the case. So what did that mean. All day to day I have been working on Teaching Philosophy's, Letters of Application and updating my resume/CV. It has NOT been a lot of fun. I hate doing this stuff. Why can't I just go in, fill out an application and get the job. That's the way it should be done.

Long story short, the first drafts of all of these items are finished. I emailed them off about 30 minutes ago to my friends who are smarter than me, to correct. I am hoping my friend T.M. can add the magic touch since he's some big shot S.V.P. of marketing. He actually just got promoted to big chief in charge last Friday. He'll be reading this post, so everyone say hi. Anyway, I should get every one's responses back tomorrow. I'll print out everything and turn it in on Friday. It'll include everything but my letters of recommendation which are being written as we speak and will be sent separately.

Who knows if I'll get the job? I spoke to friend of mine today about it and we both agreed that teaching in Iowa is better than temping in NYC. So a job here would be better than some of the alternatives. The nice thing about getting these documents finished is it prepares me to send out applications to other schools. There are job 0openings in schools in Massachusetts, Oklahoma, and about three in California. Who knows if these are better positions. I do know they at least wouldn't be so isolating.

Wish me luck.

Last week I mailed off all the scarves I had made. My friends A.N. and C.D. and K.E. and L.M. and S.H. and T.O. all got surprises in the mail over the weekend. They weren't expecting the packages and they all were pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately A.N., C.D. and T.O. had theirs delivered at school and caused a little bit of a sensation when they opened their boxes. Seems everyone is jealous that they didn't get a scarf. So yesterday, I was on the phone with two friends from school choosing what color they wanted for their scarves. In fact one is a teacher. They all loved them so much they want one for themselves.

So I won't be able to sit around a mope this weekend. I'll be crocheting my fingers off. I now have 6 scarves to finish by the middle of next week, and I have enough yarn for 20 more laying in my living room floor. It's actually been kind of fun doing these little projects. They take about an evening and a half to finish so it's not a long process. The hardest part is figuring out what color works for each person. I'll post pictures of the latest creations later in the week.

It's time for my Monday check-in:

Weight Loss this week: 2 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 27.5 pounds
Miles walked: 16 miles
Miles run: 2 (slowly, but it's a start)
Average Temperature this week: 25 million degrees below zero
Scarves finished: 5
Total scarves since moving to Iowa: 12


It's been a much better day today. I slept late, which I desperately needed, and then actually got busy doing all of the things I had put off from the weekend. I returned email, while drinking a lot of coffee, returned a number of phone calls, and got started planning my classes for the week. The afternoon was gone in a flash and it was time to walk to school for a production meeting. The meeting went well, and most of my concerns were things that have been changed in my favor so I no longer have to deal with them. After the meeting, I attended rehearsal, and then walked home. That's the short and sweet of it, concerning my day, and as I said, the feelings from the weekend were gone.

I've dealt with depression my whole life, and in the past 7 or 8 years it's been kept in check by a number of different methods: Exercise, medication, therapy, healthy eating, etc. The one thing I have come to terms with over the past few years is that no matter how depressed I am, I know it's not going to last. Sometimes, I have to stop my pity party and remind myself that's true but I just tell myself that if I get some sleep, hold on and in a couple of days it will be gone. For the most part, for the last few years this has worked. That was very much how I dealt with this past weekend.

Thanks to everyone who offered their words of support this past weekend. It always makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. So if you stopped by and left a comment thank you. If you didn't leave a comment thank you too. It's kind of funny but according to the counter on my sight more people are stopping by my blog than ever before and yet the comments have been slipping. I don't understand why, but I'm just glad that people are stopping by to see what I have to say.

It's been a long couple of days. I have been in the worst mood possible. I've searched and searched for what's going on and although there are many reasons I might be in this space nothing really jumps out at me. So what could it be.

First it's fucking cold here. And I don't say that lightly. It's -7 right now, and with wind it feels like -20. It's been that way for three days and it's not supposed to get any better in the next few days. We have a warm front moving in on Tuesday. The high will be 17. That will be the warmest it's been in several days. I haven't left the house today because it's so cold outside and without a car, walking anywhere is painful. Yesterday I walked to the gym and the wind was causing my eyes to water which promptly froze on my eye lashes. By the time I got to the gym I had icicles hanging from my face. I was not about to try that again today.

It's also more than a little lonely here. I haven't seen a gay person in more than three weeks and I haven't had a personal conversation in just as long. At school, the rest of the faculty has been super friendly and super helpful. What they haven't been is interested in me personally. No one talks to me about my personal life, or even my professional life outside of school. They also aren't interested in doing anything outside of the school day. There have been no invitations for coffee, or a beer, or lunch or dinner. I go to school, I teach my classes, I come home. The rest of my day is spent by myself. This gets old after a while. Before you ask, there aren't really any social outlets in town. I don't see myself going to the sports bar up the street and watching football. I also don't see myself hanging out on campus with a bunch of students who are young enough to be my children. So for the most part, for the next three months I'm on my own.

I'm also tired of dieting. I've talked about this a little on my blog but I'm on a couple of medications for depression. One of those meds, the one I depend on most, that changed my life dramatically as soon as I started taking it, can slow your metabolism, if you take it for long periods of time. I've been on the med about 7 years and I can tell the difference in my metabolism. If I eat three light meals of mostly vegetables. I don't lose weight. I stay exactly where I am. The only way for me to really lose weight is to starve myself. Not really, but it feels like it. I have to watch everything I eat and monitor it like there's no tomorrow. And even with that the weight is very slow to fall away. In all, I'm tired of it. I want to be skinny now. I want to not think about it. Before some of you start talking about switching meds, I've already talked to my doctor about it. He's agreed to do it, but not before I come home from Iowa. He doesn't want me to be suddenly thrown into a deep depression while I am here because we are playing with my meds. So until July, I'm stuck.

I could go on but it's making my mood worse. I realize the weather isn't forever. In fact this job isn't forever. I also know in a couple of days I'll be completely over this and it'll be as though nothing was ever wrong. In the meantime I just need to get back to my schedule and keep myself busy. Believe it or not there's a lot a person can do to stay busy in a three bedroom house all alone. I have movies to watch, scarves to make and posts to write. Of course I should also do the dishes, put my laundry away and put together my notes for Tuesday's class. And for now, I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Thank God this weekend is over!!!

The 25 Question Meme
If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? If money were no object I wouldn't build the house I'd buy a brownstone in the West Village of NYC.
What's your favorite article of clothing? Don't really have a favorite that I wear. Have a couple of things that are saved from when I was a kid that I value a lot.
Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? Why are we worried with the opposite sex?
What's the last CD that you bought? The Dreamgirls movie soundtrack
Where's your favorite place to be? Paris...specifically in the Rodin Museum in the garden.
Where is your least favorite place to be? today....Iowa....
What's your favorite place to be massaged? My back
Strong in mind or strong in body? Stronger in mind than body.
What time do you wake up in the morning? On Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:00...the rest of the week, whenever I wake up.
What is your favorite kitchen appliance? My coffee maker. It's the only thing that gets me going in the morning.
What makes you really angry? Stupid people...and close minded people
If you could play any instrument, what would it be? I play the piano but not very well. I'd love to be able to play anything I wanted and not be afraid to play in front of people
Which do you prefer...sports car or SUV? Sports Car. I don't understand why most people have SUV's when sedan would do just as well and would be better for the environment.
Do you believe in an afterlife? It depends on the day of the week. Today, I don't know.
Favorite children's book? The Wizard of Oz...I read the whole series as a child.
What is your favorite season? Spring. I love when everything is in full bloom.
Your least favorite household chore? How can you have a favorite chore? If it's a chore, then it's not usually fun.
If you could have one super power, what would it be? I'd like to be invisible. I think it would be fun and could use it to do good. Like look at boys in the showers.
If you have a tattoo, what is it? I don't have one. I'm afraid I would get one and change my mind the minute it was done and have to spend tons of money to get rid of it.
Can you juggle? Not very well, but I can.
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? If it's someone who's no longer around Tony. If it's someone who is still alive just not in my life then it would be S.G.
What's your favorite day? Fridays. You have the whole weekend in front of you.
What's in the trunk of your car? What car?
Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Sushi? Yuck. Definitely hamburger.

Sorry about two memes in a row. I don't do them often, but I am in the worst mood I've been in, in a long time. I woke up in a bad mood and the events of the day have made it worse. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep will make things all better.

1. Home theatre or movie theatre? - Movie theatre. All movies are better in the theatre.
2. Hardwood or wall-to-wall? - hardwood. Always hardwood floors.
3. Pencil or ballpoint pen? - Neither. It's a pen, but not a ball point.
4. Digital or analog? - If we're talking time. Digital. And military. It's 23:06 as I type this.
5. “Wet” or dry? Hmmm. Makes me think of my friend S.H. who used to joke about Spit and Ram. Never completely dry though. That's painful.
6. Hardback or paperback? - I'd only read hardback if I could affortd them.
7. Gasoline or electric? - Gas until the perfect the whole electric car thing.
8. Photograph or painting? - I like both, but in my house they are all paintings...all painted by friends of mine.
9. Mountains or shore? - I prefer the mountains although I'd never say no to going to the beach.
10. Curtains or blinds? Blinds most of the time...but I am gay so a good window treatment will also work.
11. Shower or spa tub? - Shower, although I once lived in an apartment that had a claw foot tub that was 7 feet long. I took more baths in that year than ever in my life.
12. Blu-ray or HD DVD? - Huh? TV is TV. I'm not sold on the High Definition thing. I don't watch it enough to care if the picture looks perfect.
13. Paint or wallpaper? - Paint. Unless you're a grandmother. And it's 1962.
14. Thoroughly cleaned and prepped or go with the moment? I've always gone with the moment.
15 “Ties” or “loafers” (slip-ons)? - Ties mostly
16. Stick shift or automatic? I've had both, but prefer a stick. It's more fun to drive. Unless you are stuck in California traffic going 4 miles an hour.
17. Saturday or Sunday? Saturday. Sunday's just a reminder that school/work starts again tomorrow.
18. 15% or 18%? Almost always 20%. If the check is less than 20 bucks sometimes even more. I was a waiter tooooo many years not to tip well.
19. Football or soccer? - Absolutely football. I've always liked standing up and stretching during the 7th inning stretch. It's also a good time to go get a beer.
20. Lands End or L. L. Bean? - They're both great. But since my best friend M.M. moved to Maine I've shopped at L.L. Bean more.

I got this from Spider and since I'm at a loss for words tonight. This is what you get.

What a great day I had today. In fact it was one of the best days I've had in a while.

It started with getting out of bed at 6:00 a.m. For those of you who don't know me, until I came to Iowa, I don't remember the last time I saw 6:00 a.m. In fact, the alarm went off at 5:30 and I snoozed it till just before 6:00. I finally had to get up because the alarm on my phone in the living room was ringing and forced me to go deal with it. It's no small miracle that I was awake at all this morning since at 2:00 a.m. I was still lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. I have had trouble sleeping every night before class day. I'm hoping this will wear off.

So I was up early, checked email, and watched CNN while drinking muchos, muchos coffee. At about 7:35 I wrapped myself up nice and warm and headed to school. The thermometer on the bank I pass said it was 6 degrees at 7:45. If I wasn't awake before the walk, I was certainly awake after the walk.

Got to school and taught my two classes. They both went very well. In fact I didn't have time to finish either lecture because my students were very involved in the discussion. It's sort of a double edged sword. I'm glad they were participating, but by the end of next week we have to be back on schedule or we'll never get through all the information we need to get through.

After class I ran by the post office to drop off my Netflix movie. Have I mentioned how wonderful Netflix is. I love that I don't have to go anywhere to get my movies. They just sort of show up. And when you live in BFE Iowa you need something to keep you busy.

After the post office I stopped at the grocery store. This wouldn't be blog worthy except the store near my house, I discovered today, doesn't sell pre-packaged meat. You have to get everything from the butcher. This too wouldn't be blog worthy if it weren't for Nick. Hmmmm. I may have to go buy meat every day. He's beautiful, in his clean cut Iowa way and just as sweet as can be. Who knew pork chops came in so many different varieties.

After the grocery I came home, changed clothes and headed back to campus. I was on my way to the gym. I got my faculty ID card yesterday which gives me gym privileges until the end of May. So I trudged the half mile back to campus to work out. I also discovered that the gym and building are only about a year old so everything is in great shape and brand new. All of this is made better by the fact that no one was there. I only did cardio today. I ran a mile (first time I've run in well over two years) and then walked 3 miles. In all, I did an hour of cardio. It felt great, I just hope that I am not sore tomorrow.

After the gym I trudged the half mile back home and had lunch. Then it was the best time of all. I got my comforter off my bed, curled up in the recliner in the living room and the next thing I knew it was 4:45. Nothing like a warm nap on a very cold winter afternoon to hit the spot. After the nap, I talked on the phone for a while and then got re-dressed to go back to school.

In April I am designing the lights for a dance project that's turning out to be very exciting. I'm going to be able to stretch my abilities and approach it differently than I've approached most of my shows in the past few years. I think it's going to be fun. Anyway, I went to school to watch a rehearsal of the piece, had a brief conversation with the choreographer and then headed back home.

Then it was dinner, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and now blogging. All in all a near perfect day.

I was way too tired to post last night, so here's a middle of the day post.

I made the most outstanding discovery on Sunday. I was walking around, freezing my butt off, when I decided it was too cold to continue. So I went in this "store" that was open on Sundays. Turns out you can get books from this "store" for free if they give you give them a lot of personal information and they give you a card. I got a library card on Sunday. Who would have known. I haven't had a library card in years. In fact I don't remember the last time I was in a public library. This one is very small but they have the latest best sellers and it's cute and quaint. I'll take pictures this weekend and post them. So I checked out two books. One I needed for my class and one is just to read. I'll let you know how they are.

On another note, I have had to find a hobby to keep myself busy. I have LOTS of free time here in Iowa with not much to do. So I have started crocheting again. My mother taught me to do it in when I was in 6th grade. That winter we missed almost two months of school and I was bored, so she sat me down and taught me the basics. It's not hard and I managed to teach myself the rest. I haven't crocheted in years. In fact, it took a couple of days to really get used
to it again. So now I am making scarves for all my friends. I have made 7.5 scarves since I have been here. Two of them I mailed out last week and the other 5 were mailed yesterday to both sides of the country. It's been kind of fun. I crochet while I am watching TV and it doesn't feel like I am wasting my time. I have one more to finish and yarn for about 20 more so I have enough to keep me busy until it gets to0 warm to make scarves and then I'll have to move on to something else. Here is a picture of the scarves I finished so far.

It's time for my weekly update.

Weight Lost this week: 2.5 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 25 pounds
Total Exercise: about 6 or so miles. It's too cold to be outside for long.
Classes Taught: 4
Total Students: 18 total. 11 in one class, 7 in the other
Days in Iowa: 14
Average Temperature this week: about 5 degrees...it's been VERY cold

That's about it for my update.

I apologize for last night's rant. I don't do that often on my blog but I just felt like I had to say something. The one thing I forgot to mention in my post is that Ted Haggard makes a brief appearance at the end of the movie. How did these people not know he was gay. He screams HOMOSEXUAL, and screams it with all caps. Just my opinion.

I also did a word cloud this weekend and am finally posting it. You guys can see what I am always talking about by how big the words are. If you want to do your own go here. It's pretty cool. It scans your blog and then captures the words that are most common.

Life in Iowa is okay. Had a very lonely weekend. It's weird not having a car in a place like this. Even weirder is that there's no place to go even if I did have a car. There's Wal-Mart, Ace Hardware, The Dollar General Store, and the video store, which I don't know the name for. There are a number of restaurants in town but I don't know if I feel comfortable yet, going there by myself. I'm trying right now to figure out which bar in town would be best to watch the Super Bowl. Not that I'm really interested in football, but it would be nice to be out of the house for a while and it would give me something to do. I'll let you know what I decide, although I have a feeling I'll be at home with my own six pack watching.

I have decided not to apply for the tenure-track position here in Iowa where I am teaching. I was hired as a one semester guest lecturer while they interview for the "real" position. Since I have been here I realize that I don't think the school is a good fit for me. Especially since the position is a scenery/lighting position. I can do scenery, but lighting is my speciality and I would much rather have a job that I can concentrate on teaching lighting. So the good news is I'll only be in Iowa for a few short months. The bad news is that I have to find a job at the end of the summer.

I bought my ticket to San Diego tonight. I'll be flying there on February 22, and returning on February 26. There is a memorial service for my friend who died on February 25 that I want to attend. It's being student produced and is a way for my friends who are still at school to celebrate C.P.'s life in their art. From what I have heard about it so far, it sounds like a wonderful tribute and the school administrators are behind them 100%.

That's it from my neck of the woods.

I saw the scariest movie ever tonight. I was curled up in my chair waiting for someone to say BOO! Unfortunately, that never happened, and as I continued to watch I became more and more concerned that what I was seeing was real. The movie...

Jesus Camp.

It's a documentary about indoctrinating children to evangelical views of religion, specifically Christianity. They follow a series of children as they attend church, then religious camp and then go to Washington to protest abortion. I have no problem with religion. I have no problem with Christianity. On a good day, I think I might believe myself. What I don't believe is that children should be taught to hate and fear most of the general population. They are taught that if you are not a tongue speaking, bouncing up and down, feel the Lord sort of Christian than you are going to hell. In fact there is a whole scene about "dead" Christians who just sit in church, sing the songs, and don't really "feel" the spirit of the Lord.

As I said, I don't have a problem with religion. I don't even mind that they are conservative. It's just the hatred they feel toward me and my kind. It's the hatred they have for people of other faiths. It's the hatred they have for people that don't think as they do. It's the hatred they feel for anything different than they are. I don't pretend to know a lot about other faiths and I barely know much about Christianity, but if I have to worship a hateful vengeful god then I think I'll take my chances with not believing. What happened to the teachings of Christ. What happened to "love thy neighbor?" What happened to "do onto others as you would have them do onto you?" What happened to John 3:16? That's about all the scripture I can quote but according to several churches I've attended it's enough. All it takes is a belief to be "saved." There was no talking of having to "feel" the spirit.

Can you tell I'm a little angry? It just makes me mad, how fucked up these kids are going to be. Especially the gay ones. And I believe that it's impossible that none of them are gay. They are being taught to hate themselves and everyone like them. No small child should have to carry the weight of abortion, or war. They should be out enjoying life. Trying to make the most of the gifts God has given them. Learning to love each other as well as their neighbor, as well as the Muslims down the street and the Jews on the next block. They swear these children to promises they are too young to understand let alone swear to.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I feel better now. Sorry about the venting. I'll say a little prayer for them tonight in hopes they'll come to understanding that a world of love and respect is far better than a world of hate and fear. If nothing else it'll make me feel better.

I braved the cold today and walked to the movies. The theatre in town only shows three movies and I have already seen two of them so I didn't have a lot of choices. I might add that it only cost $4.00 to see a matinee here. In fact my soda cost the same price as the movie did. As I said I have already seen two of the movies, so my choice today was Epic Movie. Trust me I wasn't expecting a great movie. More than anything I was looking to escape for a couple of hours and get out of the house.

So I bought my ticket and headed to the counter to buy a Diet Pepsi. Yeah, Diet Coke would be better but what's a girl to do. I'm standing in line being annoyed by the group of nine year olds in front of me. I think it must have been there first time out because they certainly didn't know how to act in a public place. They were punching each other, bumping into each other including me, totally ignoring their father's pleas for them to behave. I might add here that if I had ever acted like they were, I would have been put in the car and driven home immediately where I probably would have been in trouble for a week. When the "gang" was finally served I started to step toward the counter but was completely swamped with them stepping on my toes and pushing me out of the way as they continued horsing around. None of this seem to bother the father as he completely ignored them. I had to wait another couple of minutes before I could begin talking to the guy at the counter....who was quite cute I might add. I got my Diet Pepsi and headed into the theatre.

I grabbed my seat and was shocked to realize the average age was about 10. Before the movie even started I knew that it was not the type of movie for such a young age. In fact most 13 year olds wouldn't get the humor and it was inappropriate for them at that. The movie started and of course it was sophomoric humor with lots of tit jokes and sex jokes. Exactly what I was expecting. Not one person in the theatre laughed. At all. During the whole movie. I wanted to laugh out loud a number of times but was embarrassed that such a young audience was watching and that I would be judged by their parents for laughing. In fact the whole movie was pretty much ruined by the audience. As I sit here and write this I can hear everyone saying that I should have just laughed and enjoyed myself, but I just couldn't. I felt like I was watching porn with little kids and that someone was just waiting for me to give credence to the movie so that I could be escorted from the theatre.

I basically sat there the whole time wondering what kind of parent would bring their young children to such a movie. As I said, there weren't a whole lot of choices, but there's always the video store up the street. And I am sure there are hundreds of movies there, that would have been more appropriate.

But then again, maybe that's why I'm not a parent.

I did a kind of stupid thing this week. Something that explains why I haven't posted much this week. When I got to Iowa, I realized how small my little town is, and that the chances of meeting anyone is going to be impossible. So I posted ads on a couple of websites. Unfortunately, I responded to a couple of the ads from my maddoginthecity email address. I thought nothing about it. One particular person and I had been emailing back and forth when he admitted that he had discovered my blog. Uh. Oh. Looking back on it it was probably not a good idea to use that email address, but I didn't want to use my real one because it consists of my real name. I like being anonymous on here. I like feeling like I can talk about what I want without any real consequences. Now I feel like I can't. I feel as if anything I say might get back to people who now know me. Did I mention this particular guy works at the same college I work at. So now I can't tell you about the people I work with, the students in my class, nor the projects I am working on. When you live in a town of 9,000 people that doesn't leave much else to talk about. So I am in a quandary. Do I just continue to post and not worry about this person? Do I edit my posts for the next 4 months? Do I stop posting until I leave Iowa? What to do, what to do? I wasn't even sure I should talk about this here, but you guys out there have a large collective amount of experience in the blog world. So give me some advice. What should I do?

Of course in the meantime, I won't answer anymore ads with my Maddog address. I'll come up with some anonymous address to use to try and maintain some anonymity until I am ready to tell these people who I am.

I've seen this on a couple of blogs that I read today, and it's kind of fun. However, I don't know if I should be embarrassed or proud. I owe 925.60. Damn, that's a lot of money. I guess my past is a little more checkered than I remember.

How much money do you owe?

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… ”My Fine Is…”

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

It's time for my Monday update, althought there is not a lot to report.

Weekly Weight Loss: 0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 22.0 pounds
Excerise: Not a lot. School gym isn't open yet, and it's been too cold to be outside.
Syllabi Completed: 2

Don't know what's up with the weight this week. I have been extremely dilligent in my efforts and yet I didn't lose a single pound. How can that be? I may have to get more desperate in my efforts if something doesn't happen this week.

I'm settling into Iowa and my schedule. Was at school all afternoon. Got my copy code, my email, office keys, etc. Now all I need is students. I get those tomorrow, at 8 a.m. sharp. I'm not exactly sure who thought up my schedule, but theatre classes should NEVER be taught at 8 a.m. Who can be creative when they're not awake yet. In fact, how do they expect me to teach a class when I WON'T be awake yet. It's a real problem. Anyone have any ideas?

Not much else going on. I'll be going to San Diego in February for a memorial service for my friend C.P. The date hasn't been set yet, but I'll keep you guys posted.

It's been a nice day today. Woke up to snow this morning. Actually started last night but we got several more inches from the time I went to bed and the time I woke up. It was so bright and white. After three years in San Diego it's nice to actually get to experience winter. I haven't minded the cold weather or the snow yet although it's fun to tell people about how cold it is and all the snow we've had. They think I'm miserable but I'm actually having a good time.

Got the syllabi finished today. Well sort of. I have about 30 minutes left on the first one, which will be done before I go to bed tonight. The second one actually went pretty fast. I had a good idea of what I was doing before I started it. I just needed to get it down on paper and figure out the time line, points, and due dates. It actually looks good, and if I have good students I think they'll learn a lot without being too bored. Of course I guess some of that pressures on my shoulders so I'll have to stay ahead as well.

Continuing with the house that I am staying in. The construction of the house is really weird. The walls are about 3/4" thick. They are not framed the way most houses are. In fact I can't figure out how they are framed at all. But if you do any inspecting you can tell they are in fact quite thin.

Another really strange thing about the house is that it has a full basement with a washer and dryer down there. Makes sense right? But in the third bedroom, in the closet, is the hook-up for another washer and dryer. I guess you could have a second set if you wanted? Or if you were too lazy to walk downstairs you could have them upstairs. Don't know what the deal is but I think it's strange.

Also downstairs, in the unheated basement is a pink rumpus room with a built in bar. I don't know how else to describe it but here it is.










And the icing on the cake. When I first toured the house and was shown the basement, there was a toilet sitting in the middle of the floor. It looked as though it were left over from some renovation and had never been disposed of. It's not hidden from view, in a bathroom, or even sitting next to the wall. It's just out in the middle of the floor. And then when I went downstairs to turn up the hot water heater, I discovered that the toilet is functional. Huh? It makes no sense at all. I guess if you were having a party downstairs in the rumpus room, you could just use the toilet downstairs, if you didn't want or need privacy. Or perhaps as my friend
F.M. suggested it was for the kids I kidnap from Missouri and keep prisoner in my basement. I
know that's not funny, but I can't figure it out. Anyone have any ideas?

Today has been the best day I have had all week. I actually managed to get some work done. I slept late, got up had breakfast, which is new for me, and then watched some T.V. I put my laundry away and then decided to go the movies. In my little Iowan town I only get 3 choices and today's choice was Blood Diamond. It was actually very good and Leonardo DiCaprio was the best I've seen him. Unfortunately, the movie was quite violent and I almost left in the first five minutes because I was not in the mood for it. I stuck it out and it turned out to be quite good.

Here's the best part. I got home from the movies at 6:30 and have been working on my syllabus for the past 6 hours. It's almost finished. I have two empty class days, but I think if I rework a couple of slots I can fill the days with things I already have planned. All in all the class should be quite interesting and I hope will be fun for the students as well as me. Tomorrow I have to get the syllabus done for my other class and then I'll almost be ready to start to work on Tuesday.


I've rented a three bedroom house in my VERY small town in Iowa that continues to be a source of strange and humorous things. First it was supposed to come furnished. However, my idea of furnished and the realtor's idea of furnished are very different. When I got to the house, it had a chair, an end table, a double bed frame with a mildewed mattress and a dresser. I pointed out that the mildewed mattress wouldn't work at all, and they agreed to get me another one. I went off to get things I needed and when I returned I had a kitchen table with three chairs and a twin bed. I haven't slept on a twin bed since college. I don't fit. I've almost fallen out of the bed several times now, as I roll over. I have to be very careful while I am asleep. I have been promised a double bed by the end of next week. Cross your fingers that the realtor thinks it's as important as I do.

I'm witnessing my first snow fall tonight. We've had snow here all week, but it was on the ground when I got here. It started snowing here this evening and it's been snowing all night. There are several different forecast for how much snow we are supposed to get. One guy said 4-6 inches, weather.com says 1-2, and another guy said 5-7. I don't really care, I just think it's cool that it's snowing, although it means I'll shovel snow for the first time tomorrow in 12 years. Sounds like fun to me.

I have had the worst time focusing today. I have tons of work to do to get ready for my classes and I just can't seem to force myself to sit down and do it. I did get up early today and drive to Des Moines to return my rental car. It's a long story but I had to return the car that brought me to Iowa and pick up a local car that I could return in my VERY small town.

I got home around 1:30 and had a Subway sandwich for lunch. There are actually two locations of Subway here. The towns not big enough for two of anything. I considered taking a nap after the sandwich and thought better of it. I haven't been sleeping well and a nap only makes it worse. So I decided to check and see if there were any websites to meet boys in Iowa. There are a lot if you are looking for sex. And it's not that sex wouldn't be nice, but it's not what I need right now. I did post a couple of ads and a few people answered tonight. Of course they were all in the bigger cities and were looking for sex. We'll see what happens over the next couple of days.

What I really needed to do was start my syllabus. My class starts in 4 days and I haven't even started planning for it. That's not exactly true. I have it all worked out in my head, but I need to put it on paper and plan when I'll do things, in what order and how fast I'll move. It's a lot to do in only a couple of days which means that I have to be seriously focused on Saturday and Sunday.

I am still getting calls about my friend C.P. Many people from San Diego are calling to see how I am doing and how I am dealing with the news. I talked to L.P. tonight, another teacher at school. We had a great conversation and talked a lot about C.P. We talked about the anger we felt over his killing himself, the sadness, and the grief. Toward the end of the conversation we were laughing at some of the things he often did. His funeral is on Sunday (I can't go) but the school is having a memorial service for him on February 4th. I plan to travel west for that. I was saying that it really needs to be a celebration of his life and not a sad affair. We ended the conversation there.

After I hung up the phone I sat in the parking lot of Subway and cried. C.P. died on Monday and the news was passed along on Tuesday. Last night writing my blog entry was the first time I cried. Today was the second. It just comes from nowhere, lasts about 4 or 5 minutes and then passes. I felt silly, sitting there crying but I felt like I needed it. I eventually dried my eyes and went and got my roast beef sandwich.

I came home and have been in a fog ever since. I am going to bed now. Perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight and will be able to get work done tomorrow.

It's been a rather long week for me. I arrived in Iowa on Monday evening around 6:30 to very cold weather and snow. On Tuesday, I picked up the keys to my house, stopped by to see if everything I needed was there and then went to Wal-Mart to pick up all the things you need when you are setting up a new house. Things like trash cans and bags, silverware, dishes, sheets and pillowcases, groceries etc. I brought everything home, cleaned a little and then went out for dinner. My meal consisted of the WORST Thai food I have ever had. All of these things will be discussed later.

As I was paying for my meal, my friend C.D. called from San Diego. It went to voice mail. I went to my car and returned the call. We had about 2 sentences of niceties, and then he said that he had some bad news for me, that I had to keep quiet about until it was announced publicly. At first I thought he was going to say that he and his new wife were splitting up. I was wrong. C.D. proceeded to tell me that my mentor, advisor, and friend C.P. had died on Monday night. Not only that, he had killed himself.

I sat stunned in my car not knowing what to say. I still don't know what to say. It's like a bad dream that I want to wake up from. How could this be. I had just left him a message on Monday night telling him about my new job and asking him to call me back. How could this be, he had classes to teach. And shows to design.

I asked C.D. for details. It appeared there weren't many. C.P. had missed a couple of appointments on Monday, and didn't show up for class on Tuesday. C.D. and T.O. got worried and called the chair of the department. I don't know the exact flow of the events but it ended with the chair and another department person going to C.P.'s apartment where they found him, a note, and his effects in order. They didn't say how he had done it, because as soon as they realized what was going on, they called the police. It's funny how we want the morbid details to satisfy our curiosity.

The emotions I have felt this week have been many. I have been sad, angry, depressed, lonely. It saddens me mostly to think that C.P. thought things were so bad that he had to end it. Didn't he know that he was loved? Didn't he know how much he meant to all of us. Not just as a teacher. But as I have already said. As a friend. As someone we looked up to. Respected.

I have been on the phone non-stop since I got the news. People calling me to see how I am doing. Me calling others to do the same. We are all in shock. The reality is beginning to set in, but it's not a nice feeling. One of the phone conversations I had was with my friend K.E a set designer that took a lighting class C.P.'s lighting class our last year together.. She and I were in the same class at school and she is my closest friend in my graduating class. In all we have spoken about 2.5 hours in the last three days. She said something to me last night that put things in perspective. She pointed out that C.P.'s death was not about me. It was about him. It was his choice. Right or wrong. His choice. For whatever reason, which we'll never know he decided that he could not go one. He felt that his only out was to end it. I'm sorry he felt that way, but it's true. He got to decide for himself.

I feel like it's our job now to celebrate his life. He was a wonderful designer. He had a Tony award to prove it. He was loved by most everyone. They found him funny and quirky. He never lost his British accent even though he had lived in the states for almost 20 years. He had gone from being fat and married to skinny and gay. If you went in to his office in the evening you would probably hear Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy, Me. Or It's Raining Men. Or anything disco. C.P. often worked late and was always around when you needed help on a project. He had a million ways of looking at a design challenge and was great at making you figure out what would work best for your design. He could also be caddy. He once cornered me in my office and said..."I don't know if you know this, but your getting fat." I once told him to get out of my office before someone dropped a house on him. I often called him a bitch. Never in front of other students but we were both gay and had that sort of relationship with each other. He would sit behind me in tech and make me a nervous wreck. Even if things were going well. I assisted him in upstate NYC once and we had to walk a mile back to our lodging at the end of the evening. Every night on our way back he would ask me what I learned that day. He was anxious to make sure I was getting the most out my experience working with him. He would often sneak into my office in the evening and very discretely ask for a gin and tonic. As a teacher he wasn't interested in turning out clones of himself. He recognized that everyone has a different approach to design and he let us embrace our approach and refine it. He was famous for being "cheap" and refused to pay the 300 plus dollars for a faculty parking permit. So, he would come in at the end of his day and ask for a ride to his car which was inevitably parked 10 miles away. And I guess what I loved most about him, was that he fought for me to attend school in San Diego. I originally turned down his offer, for a number of reasons which all seem stupid now, but he called and called and continued to call. He met with me and even had the chair of the department call me to convince me that his program was for me. In the end he was right. I learned so much about myself, my art, and theatre that I would never have learned at another program. He taught me that I was good at what I did and to embrace it. He taught me that it's healthy to fear a project but then you had to meet the challenge head on and beat it. He taught me a lot.

I loved him a lot.

I miss him already.

It's Monday, so it's time for Maddog's Weekly Something. I still don't have a title for it, and I am too tired to be creative at the moment.

So for this week:

Weeks Weight Loss: 0
Total Weight Loss: 22.5
Exercise: Walked about a mile (I spent the week getting ready to leave)
Miles Driven: 1,700.

I spent the weekend in Lexington, Kentucky with my mom. It was an uneventful trip. We spent some time with relatives on Saturday, which included a trip to IHOP. It's very difficult to find things on the menu at IHOP that are healthy. I settled on an omelet and it was the size of Vermont. It's no wonder all of America is getting fatter by the minute. Saturday afternoon was topped off with a two hour nap. It was absolutely wonderful. It even involved sex with two college boys. And I never dream about sex.

Saturday evening I saw my friend T.C. She and I talked about old times, tried to figure out the meaning of our lives and schemed about ways for me to be in Lexington and make money as a designer. Keep you fingers crossed that something comes through for this summer.

Sunday was a day long trip to Cincinnati. It was coordinated so two of my aunts, along with my mom and my brother would journey to my father's favorite restaurant, The Schoolhouse. The restaurant has the best fried chicken in the world and everything is family style, so the sides keep coming until you are full. And if you are a family of eater's that can mean many refills on the sides. Once again it's no wonder that most of America is the size of a house. I treated everyone to lunch as a Christmas present.

After lunch we journeyed through Cincinnati. There used to be a candle discount/outlet store on Reading Road, but as we discovered yesterday that store along with all the other stores in the shopping center are gone. We also drove by a house I used to live in, which was much smaller than I remembered and the fountain in Eden Park. Then we continued home...in the rain.

The big news is...as of today I am in Iowa. I left Lexington this morning at 7:30. It was still raining (and had been since Friday) and was 67 degrees. My trip took me northwest through Louisville, then Indianapolis, then west to Peoria, then northwest to the Quad Cities (I don't know what they are, but it's assumed everyone knows about them when you are in Iowa) and then west on into Iowa where it's now -2 degrees. I arrived at my hotel at 6:30. It's a dump but it's home for the evening. I get the keys to my house tomorrow morning. I'll take pictures and post them.

Tomorrow, I make a list of all the things I need for my new place and head to the Wal-Mart Superstore just up the street. I hate that I have to shop there, but there are few options here for shopping anywhere else. So it's either Wal-Mart or no blankets, plates, trash cans, laundry detergent etc. I'm sure it won't kill me, but I won't like it. Tomorrow evening I plan to spend several hours starting to plan for my classes. I'll have a week to prepare before my classes start next Tuesday.

That's my week in a glance. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes as I drove through the ice storm. By the time I got to it the worst was over and the roads were cleared. I had prepared myself that if things got too bad I would stop in a hotel where ever I needed to. Luckily that didn't happen. Oh, and by the way I didn't win the lottery on Friday either. So no trips to NYC anytime soon.

The ark is almost finished. We are gathering the animals now to load them on the boat. With any luck the floods won't come until it's finished. Damn, has it been raining. Non-stop since Friday afternoon. I don't know how much we've gotten but the original forecast called for 4 or 5 inches total. Of course this doesn't even compare to what I get to deal with tomorrow. I head northwest tomorrow morning. Leaving Lexington, heading to Louisville, then to Indianapolis, on toward Peoria, and finally into Iowa. As best I can tell the worst of the weather is occurring today (freezing rain and ice) and the roads should be okay by the middle of the day tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. The last thing I need is to get stranded in the middle of Illinois. I'm staying in a hotel tomorrow night so I'll be able to post more (no more dial-up) and I'll actually be able to find out what all of you have been up to this weekend.

One last bit of information. The temperature here today is 60. Tomorrow in Iowa it'll be around 15. That's a big change. How long do you think it'll take to find an Iowan corn fed boy to keep me warm. Just a thought.

It's taken me 30 minutes to get to this page on my mom's computer. I HATE dial- up. It's the worst. This is going to be quick because who knows how long the connection will last.

I made it to Kentucky in just over 12 hours. I would have been here faster except for rush hour traffic in Columbus and the ridiculous amounts of rain I drove through from Ohio on. It stopped about 15 minutes before I got to my moms house.

Just for the record, I was up at 5:30 this morning. And got to the rental car place early enough to get Starbucks before Budget opened. It made for a much more tolerable day. Got back home, packed the car, and drove across the Washington Bridge at 8:25. Not too bad if I don't say so myself. It feels good to be here.

Adios.

It's almost bedtime. I have to be up at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow morning so that I can be at the car rental place by 7:00. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm rarely up that early. But it's only one day so I'll probably be fine. I pick the car up at 7:00 drive back up to my house and load the car. From there I head across the George Washington Bridge and into New Jersey and start my trek to Kentucky. My goal is to be in Lexington by 10 tomorrow night. With any luck there won't be any traffic, bad weather, or anything else to slow me down.

I'll be in Lexington for two days. My mom and I'll will run around on Saturday and see a number of relatives and then will eat dinner out somewhere. After that I'm going to see my friend T.C. She is going to help me work on my teaching philosophy which I need to write to apply for a number of teaching gigs. On Sunday my mom, brother, and two aunts are going to Cincinnati to a restaurant that was my dad's favorite. I haven't been there since he died so it'll be interesting.

That takes me to Monday. On Monday I get up early, say goodbye to my mom and get back on the road heading northwest toward Iowa. My goal is to be there by early evening. It's 600 miles so I figure about 12 hours total, but who knows what the real time will play out as. It's so supposed to be snowing and raining so it may be slow going. I just ask that it not get too bad until I get to Iowa.

I'm staying in a hotel on Monday night. I was worried that I would get to Iowa and realize that I didn't have a bed, or a couch or any of the things that I have been promised or that there would be no heat, water, electricity. So I plan to just chill in my room, catch up on blogs that I won't get to read over the weekend. Post some pictures of my trip and get ready to go to work.

Have a great weekend everyone.

I've mentioned in the past couple of weeks that I sent an email in support of Sears's advertising campaign to LOGO via the AFA website. The AFA is The American Family Association. They are quite a scary group of people. Their main focus seems to be against homosexuality. I know this because I get emails from them now asking me to sign other petitions, send money, or today, buy a video. I continue to get the emails because I figure it's good to know what the enemy has in store for us, and what they are up to.

Today was especially scary. It was an offer to buy their video It's Not Gay for a steal of only 10 dollars. The email made me curious and so I considered buying it. Perhaps it's not too late for me to be cured of the disease of homosexuality. Of course as I later learned, it meant I'd have to stop sucking dick and I like that too much to seriously give it up so I decided not to buy the video. What I did do though, was find it on the Internet for free. It's terrifying that they are allowed to say the things they say. They quote ridiculous statics, and interview people that probably should not be allowed to do the jobs they are listed as doing, and through it all they make a case against being gay.

At the end of the video they make a case for calling the Portland Fellowship. It's an organization that has been created to help all of us silly queens stop decorating and start drinking beer on Sundays and watching football. I've already ordered my "Girls Gone Wild" Video for when the transformation has taken place.

As a public service I've posted the It's Not Gay video on my blog. Take a look at it. It's about 35 minutes long but you only have to watch about 15 minutes to get the overall opinion they are offering. On the AFA website it says this video is perfect for Sunday school classes and teens, to warn them of the effects of homosexuality. I truly fear the damage these people are doing to the minds of young people across the world. All in the name of Jesus Christ. Perhaps tonight I'll say a little prayer that they stop the harm they are doing. I have a friend who says it's important to pray for your enemies and if these people aren't my enemies I don't know who is.

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Nothing like promising to fly people to NYC to get them to comment on my blog. I'll have to make promises more often. Ten comments is an all time record for me. Unfortunately for those who've already packed for their visit, I didn't win. On five plays I only guessed two numbers correctly. I guess I'll have to try again later in the week.

I had a very long day today. I was up and out of the house by 8:45. For me that's no small feat. In fact, I got up early enough to have coffee and watch the news before I left home. From here I rode the train an hour to my sponsor's house to go over my plan of attack while I am away from home. We spent almost three hours talking. I don't know how much you guys know about 12 step recovery but spending three hours on your spiritual well being is a luxury everyone should have several times a week. It set the tone for the rest of the day which was equally wonderful.

I had lunch with W.C., my sponsor, and then headed back home. When I got here, I started working on my desk. I have lived in my apartment for 3 months and today is the first day I have sat at my desk to use my computer. I have been sitting at the coffee table, situated between tchotchkes. Because of how I sit, my left leg eventually goes to sleep making it impossible to stand when I've finished reading the blogs I read. But not tonight. Tonight I have a desk. I'll get to use it three nights before I shove off for the Midwest.

The other magical thing that happened today is that all of my DVD's miraculously alphabetized themselves. Actually I did it. My roommate has been giving me grief about it since I moved in. It was impossible to find anything because they were a mess. So today I spent almost two hours getting the DVD's in order. It's great to finally have it done. What it also does, is make me realize that I have duplicates of seven movies. Whoops.

I ended my day by having dinner with my friend M.L. We ate at a restaurant called The Place. I have walked by it a million times but never eaten there. The food was good, but the portions were tiny. I joked as we finished our main courses..."What are we having for dinner?" It was also rather expensive for what we got and the atmosphere. Over 100 bucks and there was no alcohol involved. Hmm. There are several other restaurants in the area that are much better that cost less. That being said, the company was delightful. M.L. is one of my favorite people in the world. He knows pretty much everything there is to know about me, and still he likes me. He's also helped me out of a couple of binds I have gotten myself into over the years, both financially and professionally. He's super and I am going to miss him while I am out of the city.

Hope everyone had a great Tuesday. See you tomorrow.

P.S. My friend T.M. knows that I have a blog, since I sort of mentioned it tonight in a phone call. Whoops. The question now is...Do I give him the link? He's a great friend, and knows most of my secrets. He's also not someone I talk about in an unpleasant manner. But then there's the fact that no one I know knows about the blog. My question to you guys--Do I tell him? Do I keep it a secret? What would you do?

Welcome to the first "real" Monday of the new year. Many people dedicate their blogs to certain things on certain days. There's "Tap That Thursday" here, and Eye Candy Monday here, Sesame Street here, and Sunday Snippets here. My Mondays are going to be dedicated to checking in. I'll let you know how much weight I've lost in the last week, my total loss, and just how I am doing. It's just a way to track my progress and be accountable so here goes...

Weight Loss This Week: 4 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 22.5 pounds
Miles Walked: 10 miles (I try and do 2 miles a day)

Overall it was a good week. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Things there are status quo. The only real catch is that he thinks some of the weight gain might be because one of my drugs is known for slowing the metabolism. He's a little hesitant to do anything about it because I'm leaving for Iowa and emotionally the drugs seem to be doing what they are supposed to. I'll check in with him when I return from Iowa on Spring Break to see how my weight loss is going and how I'm dealing with being away from NYC.

Went to 5.5 meetings this week in my 12-step group. Things there are going well. Someday I'll be brave enough to talk about that here.

I leave for Iowa on Friday. I'm a little nervous, but that's to be expected. Called today to get electric, cable, etc. turned on and in my name. I'll be a couple of days without the Internet but I'll warn you before that happens.

I found someone to sublet my apartment for the part of the time I'm gone, so I'll save about 2,500 dollars while I am away.

Signed and returned my lease on the house I am renting today along with contracts from Tulsa (did I mention I'm doing three shows there next summer) and my design contract for school. Still waiting on my teaching contract and the money for moving.

I played the lottery today. I only do it when the jackpot is huge. It's 122 million for tomorrow night. If I win I'll fly all of you to NYC to visit me for a week in the spring. Well at least the ones who comment on today's post.


That's it for my first check-in Monday. I need a snappy title for these posts. Any ideas?

The Christmas tree is finally gone. Taking it down is my least favorite part of the holidays. In all honesty it should have been taken down more than a week ago, but we left it up since we were having guests. Today was also the only time C.Z. and I could coordinate our schedules to be home for more than an hour or two together. We started about 12:30 and by 4:30 everything was packed away, the floors had been swept and re-swept, the furniture cleaned (the needles were everywhere) and our new rug for the living room was in place. We were done. It was actually sad coming home tonight and not seeing the tree in the window. I guess I'll have to get used to it for a while.

Actually I won't. I mentioned in yesterday's post that I was going to Iowa. I think I may have mentioned this about a month ago, but I know I really didn't discuss it much. So for the record, I have been hired to teach at a school in Iowa. I'll be teaching two classes in my field. The job kind of fell into my lap so I didn't really feel like I could turn it down. I also didn't have any other amazing offers so I accepted it. It'll require me to be out of town till May. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've rented a three bedroom house for a couple of bucks, about 2 blocks from campus. I won't need a car there, and it'll force me to continue to get exercise. I'm subletting my apartment to my friend J.T. who was just here to visit. So everything is falling into place.

So this Friday, I put all of my things, at least the things I'm taking, into a rental car and I drive to Kentucky. I'm spending the weekend with my mom. We are just going to hang out, visit relatives and on Sunday drive to Cincinnati to eat at my dad's favorite restaurant. I have not been there since he died so it'll be sort of weird being there without him. Then on Monday morning bright and early, I head northwest to Iowa. It should take about 12 hours according to Mapquest. I'm probably going to stay in hotel for the first night, so that I am not stressing out about what I need and what I should have brought with me.

On Tuesday I get down to business. I haven't made one plan yet for the classes I am going to be teaching. I'll have my work cut out for me, but it should be doable. Classes start the week of the 22nd. Then before you know it, it'll be May and I'll be writing about packing up and heading back to NYC.

I'll keep all of you posted on my adventures in the Midwest.