I have had the worst time focusing today. I have tons of work to do to get ready for my classes and I just can't seem to force myself to sit down and do it. I did get up early today and drive to Des Moines to return my rental car. It's a long story but I had to return the car that brought me to Iowa and pick up a local car that I could return in my VERY small town.

I got home around 1:30 and had a Subway sandwich for lunch. There are actually two locations of Subway here. The towns not big enough for two of anything. I considered taking a nap after the sandwich and thought better of it. I haven't been sleeping well and a nap only makes it worse. So I decided to check and see if there were any websites to meet boys in Iowa. There are a lot if you are looking for sex. And it's not that sex wouldn't be nice, but it's not what I need right now. I did post a couple of ads and a few people answered tonight. Of course they were all in the bigger cities and were looking for sex. We'll see what happens over the next couple of days.

What I really needed to do was start my syllabus. My class starts in 4 days and I haven't even started planning for it. That's not exactly true. I have it all worked out in my head, but I need to put it on paper and plan when I'll do things, in what order and how fast I'll move. It's a lot to do in only a couple of days which means that I have to be seriously focused on Saturday and Sunday.

I am still getting calls about my friend C.P. Many people from San Diego are calling to see how I am doing and how I am dealing with the news. I talked to L.P. tonight, another teacher at school. We had a great conversation and talked a lot about C.P. We talked about the anger we felt over his killing himself, the sadness, and the grief. Toward the end of the conversation we were laughing at some of the things he often did. His funeral is on Sunday (I can't go) but the school is having a memorial service for him on February 4th. I plan to travel west for that. I was saying that it really needs to be a celebration of his life and not a sad affair. We ended the conversation there.

After I hung up the phone I sat in the parking lot of Subway and cried. C.P. died on Monday and the news was passed along on Tuesday. Last night writing my blog entry was the first time I cried. Today was the second. It just comes from nowhere, lasts about 4 or 5 minutes and then passes. I felt silly, sitting there crying but I felt like I needed it. I eventually dried my eyes and went and got my roast beef sandwich.

I came home and have been in a fog ever since. I am going to bed now. Perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight and will be able to get work done tomorrow.