In about 30 minutes I am going with C.Z. to sign the lease on our new apartment. And suddenly I am scared to death. What if I can't do it? What if I can't make a go of it in New York? Maybe I should have stayed in San Diego where people already know me and I didn't have to work so hard. Maybe I shouldn't have given up on getting a teaching job. If I sign the lease I am stuck here. And it's a two year lease at that, so I'll be really stuck here. Oh God!!! What have I done?

I have been feeling these feelings since last Friday. I haven't said anything about them because I thought if I ignored them they would go away. In fact they haven't, they have only gotten worse. I have spent the last week being almost paralyzed by fear that I am going to fail miserably in New York. That no one will want to hire me and that I'll end up temping or waiting tables again to make ends meet. I have to admit, it would be a fate worse than death. Not to mention all those student loans I have to pay back on an education that is clearly now going to be worthless.

AAAAHHHHH!!!

I am not like this often. But when I am, it's awful. I can't think straight. (No jokes please) I just want the answers and I want all the work to be done and people to be calling me asking me to design for them. That's all I want. Oh, yeah and to be paid. A livable wage. When I made the decision to go into theatrical design I knew that I would never be rich but I was convinced I could make a living. Now I am not so sure.

What's funny is that I am good at what I do. I don't know if I am the best, but I am surely better than average. It's just a difficult profession to break into. And there's no one holding my hand telling me how to do it. It also doesn't help that I have discovered I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. I always thought it was the opposite. But as I get older I realize that's not the case and in fact I have a difficult time talking to people I don't know. So getting up the nerve to call people and ask them for job is a bit frightening.

The phone just rang. It's C.Z. Gotta go. Will blog more on this later. By the time I get back, I'll be the proud renter of an uptown apartment.