Seems our new cable modem was not very happy. It was so unhappy that it decided not to work. So once again, no blog posting last night. But it's all fixed today, so I am back.

I have been claustrophobic most of my life. For the most part I have dealt with it without thinking much about it. Growing up about the only time it was a real issue was riding rollercoasters. I love them, but hated being strapped in. It takes all of my concentration not to freak out waiting for the ride to start and at the end waiting to be released. I also have an aunt who as a teenager babysat my cousins and me and thought it was funny to tie us up. I became so violent that she usually gave up before she could get me tied up.

What I have noticed is recently I seem to be more aware of it. When I get into an elevator I am conscience of how many people are on it, whether it appears to be working properly and I think to myself how will I deal with this if the power goes out and I am stuck. I've started taking the stairs more often using the comment that I am just trying to lose weight. But I am starting to wonder.

The one place that I am definitely aware of being claustrophobic is the subway. I get my train at the beginning of it's journey headed downtown, so when I get on it's usually empty. I always try to get a seat next to the doors and never sit next to someone else. By the time we make a couple of stops the subway begins to fill up. This is when my praying starts. I say little prayers that no one sits next to me. I eye the people who are getting on and hope against all hope that they sit elsewhere.

Before I moved to my new apartment I usually just stood. I don't feel as trapped and feel as though I can move around as necessary. When I'm seated I feel trapped. I feel like it would be rude to get up when someone sits next to me so there I am jammed into my seat waiting for my stop so that I will have an excuse to get up. This doesn't seem like such a big deal but it causes me great anxiety and I fear that it will only get worse and eventually I won't be able to ride the train at all.

One of the reasons I hate being trapped is that many people on the trains are oblivious to what they are doing and the discomfort they are causing. You would be surprised at the number of "large" people who try to squeeze into seats that were designed for people much smaller. Or they arrive with all of their luggage and pile it in front of you. Or perhaps they behave like the man I was mesmerized by on my trip home last night.

I have friends scattered all over the city. One couple I know from school have started inviting people over to watch Project Runway. It's a great time, but it takes me two trains and about an hour and a half to get home. Last night as I boarded my second train I watched a very overweight man push his way onto the train and claim a seat beside a 20 something girl. Subways have two different types of seating. One style is just a bench on either side that seats 6 to 7 people. The other style seats 5 people on an "L" shaped seating configuration. This is where he was sitting. He had the girl beside him and an middle age guy in front of him. When he got on the train he had an over stuffed backpack with him and he almost hit the girl in the head getting into his seat. Just watching him force his way into a seat much to small for him with his huge bag that didn't fit sent me into waves of panic.

But that was just the beginning. He couldn't sit still. He was also carrying a plastic bag and he kept moving it around, taking objects out then putting them back. Then he took out his newspaper and started to read. That lasted 45 seconds and then he got into his backpack. Then he changed pages on his paper and read some more, then the plastic bag some more, then the back pack. The entire time he's doing this he keeps elbowing the young girl in the back. She is visibly upset, but she tolerates it. He's also hitting the guy in front on him in the head with the paper. Finally the seat in front of him opens up and he only spreads out more. This continues for the next hour.

The entire event made me realize even more why I don't like being trapped. I see people like this guy on the train everyday. The subway has been provided to serve them and only them. No one else matters and we are mere inconveniences they have to tolerate. Even trying to remember the events make me start to get anxious. I'm really going to have to start working on this if I am going to continue to ride the subway. Perhaps I should just always stand. I'm perfectly fine then and have no anxieties.

I will finish with this. When the 20 something girl finally got off, I realized that while the old man had been sitting there he had completely undone his pants. His belt was opened, his pants were unfastened, and his zipper down. He wasn't exposing himself, but it was completely inappropriate. It's almost as if he thought he was in his living room. Just before his stop he did up his pants gathered his belongings and got off the train. I will also add that this happens to to be my stop, so I will almost definitely see him again.