In the year and a half prior to leaving for San Diego I was part of a group of people that socialized together on a regular basis. The grouped ranged from around 4 to around 12 depending on what was going on in our lives. Although no one showed up for every gathering I think I can count on one hand the number of times the group didn't do something. The group had formed because we were all member of an organization that I'll talk about at some other point.

For me, this was the first time I had, to quote my friend A.L., been a part of a "posse." I have always had friends but I had never felt so apart of a group before. So very rarely did I miss the occasion to hang out with my friends. Even while I was dating D.L.C. most of our weekend plans were with these friends. These people threw me the best birthday celebration I have ever had, and the going away party was incredible.

Most of these people were very dear to me. Of course, as in any group, there were a couple of people I didn't like, but for the most part everyone was great. And then I moved to San Diego. For the first couple of months I spent hours on the phone trying to keep up with what everyone was doing. It was hard though, because everyone was busy and the time difference made it even more complicated. By the time I was free to talk most of my friends were already in bed.

And then school started and it became impossible to keep up with them. My school hours were around 9 a.m. to midnight most days. To make matters worse the building that housed my classes and office was like a bunker. There was no cell signal to be had anywhere near the building, and once you were inside it only got worse. So the weeks and months passed and I realized that I was not staying in touch with my friends. I would try and call every once in a while but it seemed like I was forever playing phone tag. I missed each and every one of them but what could I do.

I went home the following summer, but the magic was gone. Those warm summer nights of walking around Chelsea and The Village after dinner and looking at boys was a thing of the past. That summer most nights were spent alone with D.L.C. and although I didn't realize it at the time, the writing was on the wall for our relationship. While I was there that summer, I made a point of trying to spend time with my friends but it always seemed like a lot of work and by the time I left the shift seemed permanent.

The day I left, D.L.C. dumped me. And I went back to San Diego and didn't return to New York for two years. In that time I have only stayed in touch with a couple of people and that's been half-hearted at best. And it makes me sad. I miss my friends and I miss the time we spent together. I have made a point of calling all of them since I have been back but something has changed. I try to tell myself it's not me. I try to convince myself that it's just what happens. Things change, situations change and people move on. But it doesn't feel good.

What I found out later was that I seemed to be the glue that held it all together. Within just a couple of weeks of my leaving the group stopped getting together and based on conversations I have had with a couple of people most of them haven't talked to each other in years if at all since I left. In some ways it makes me feel good that I was able to attract and hold together a group of such wonderful people. But it also makes me sad that there wasn't more substance to the friendships.

I am now in the process of trying to make new friends. I have gone to dinner with several groups of people in the past three weeks. Some of them are funny and I think I would like them a lot if I got to know them. Some rub me the wrong way and I will actually avoid them from now on. I want to be a part of a "posse" again. I want friends who call on a regular basis that are in New York and want to hang out. Although I think that will happen, I don't think it will ever again be like it was in 2002-2003.