For the past three weeks I have been in a funk. I have told myself that it's dealing with all of the transition that's been going on in my life. In the past few months I have graduated from grad school, moved cross country, lost my health insurance, left my friends and support, sold my car, put all of my belongings in storage thus I am living out of two suitcases for the moment. I am sure if I thought about it I could think of 25 other things that I have been dealing with since graduation.

My response to these changes has been to sleep a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. On Monday I didn't get out of bed until 3:30 p.m. This has been the norm since I arrived in New York. I get up around 10:00 or so. Check my email, read the news online, see who's posted on their blog, then go back to bed until the early afternoon. This really wouldn't be much of a problem if I were independently wealthy. But the truth is my savings is dwindling and I am no closer to having a job in NYC than I was a year ago.

Today I helped out on a show that I am doing in San Diego at the beginning of September but the catch there is that I am not under contract for this part of the work so I don't get paid. Granted I will learn a lot, and I am kind of looking at it as an unpaid internship. And at least it got me out of bed today. Unfortunately by noon I was looking at my watch hoping that I would be told I was finished for the day. Don't get me wrong what I was doing today is something I love to do...I just wasn't feeling it.

That's been my mantra for the past several days. I am just not feeling it. I am not feeling like working. I am not feeling like walking. I am not feeling like eating healthy. Basically I just don't care. Tonight on the subway I realized that all this amounts to...I'm depressed.

This doesn't come as a surprise. Depression has run rampant in my family my whole life, and I have been treated for it for the past 6 or 7 years. I actually had an amazing doctor when I was in NYC the first time (recommended by a good friend) that worked with me to get me on drugs that actually helped for the first time. I was actually put on a series of drugs that worked in tandem to help, and for the first time in my life I felt like a normal person.

I continued taking these drugs while I was in school under the guidance of a doctor in San Diego. Nice doctor but he was not Doctor B. Unfortunately, I graduated from school. For those of you who are not aware of it, every student enrolled in a college or university is required to have health insurance. You can either provide it yourself or the university provides it for you. It's not the best coverage but it's better than nothing and it covered my prescriptions. Well sort of. I ended up paying about 125 bucks a month but it was better than not having coverage at all.

So since I graduated, I haven't had health insurance. Yeah for Universal Healthcare. But I digress. Since I didn't have insurance, I talked to my doctor and we decided that the best thing to do would be to wean myself off all but one of them, the one that has done the most good. So that's what I have done. Since mid-April I have only taken one drug a day. Of course I don't know how long that one will last either since it's more than 300 bucks a month for just the one prescription.

I stopped taking the drugs. I got depressed. And now what the fuck do I do? I have called Doctor B. in NYC but he's on vacation this week, so nothing will happen for a week or so. The real problem is the money though. I don't have the money to see the doctor and I certainly don't have the money to get my other prescriptions filled. And I don't have the money for therapy which is always recommended while being treated for depression. Am I just going to have to suffer through this?

This is where I am today. Who knows what tomorrow (it 1:00 a.m. right now) will bring. I do know that I am working again tomorrow (for free) so at least I'll have to get out of bed and function as a real person. And I know that I can continue to talk about it on here and just having any outlet helps. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for listening.