I'm home early tonight. It feels nice to know that I'll be in bed before 1 a.m. Or at least by 1 a.m. I was out a little late last night. Drinking beer with your friends on a school night is not always the best idea. Especially when it's with T.O. We start talking and the next thing you know four hours has passed and the six pack is gone. We talk about everything. Art, theatre, music, politics, life. It's nice. I don't have anyone that I talk to like that in NYC. I actually admitted to T.O. that I missed these long chats when I am there. It was a moment of sappiness but I think he appreciated it. Well as much as a straight man can.

Work is going okay. It's been so stressful for the past two weeks that I was beginning to wish that I had never taken the job. It's gotten better. It's not great. But it is better. I work with two men who don't have it in them to communicate with me what they want or need. The boss never talks to me at all. He says hello in the morning and good-bye in the evening and that's it. I have no idea if he thinks I am doing an okay job or if I suck at my job. The first assistant isn't any better. T.O. and I talked about this last night and he thinks the first assistant is all about class structure. I am above you so I have the right to treat you like shit. Order you around and never say please or thank you.

I don't work well with either of them. I need to know what you want and expect. I need to know if I am doing the job well. I also need to be treated with respect. I'll do whatever you ask. But be nice about it and say please and thank you. Not getting any kind of feedback has played serious tricks with my head. I think I am a fuck up. I think I suck at my job. I think I am not talented and should get out of the business.

When in fact the real thing that I have come to realize is that I am not a very good assistant. I do much better when I am in charge and have an assistant. I am not organized enough to keep others organized. I need someone to keep the numbers straight for me. To take my notes and keep them in order. Ultimately they should hire me for the job next time and let me hire my own two assistants. And I would require them to say please and thank you after every request. And I would get my own coffee. This will happen one day. In the meantime I just need to keep ahead of the game, try not to piss anyone off and just remember that in two weeks this will all be behind me.

I went by school tonight to have a beer with my friend T.O. I have always liked T.O. since I first met him and love hanging out with him. I shared an office with him along with two other people while I was in school. The offices are quite large and there is plenty of room for people to make themselves at home. I claimed the office as my own from the very beginning and made it special. Besides all of my school supplies and office needs I strung Christmas lights up every where to give it a carnival feel. This also meant that there was enough light so that we didn't have to use the fluorescent's. I brought in two refrigerators. One to hold our lunches. The other to hold our beer. I hung up a giant subway map of NYC in my office. I hung posters. By the beginning of my second year of school our office was the place to be. People stopped by just to say hi. They came to lounge in our recliner. The came by to shoot the breeze and to talk about art and politics.

At the beginning of my second year of graduate school I created happy hour. On Friday afternoons starting at 4:00 I set up a bar on my desk. I had a refrigerator full of beer and any type of hard liquor you could want. You want a margarita? I could do it. A martini? I could do it? Bourbon and coke? I could do it. I charged two bucks a drink no matter what you wanted. Of course the disclaimer here is that it was a donation. Under no circumstances would I have run a bar out of my office, charging people for drinks without a liquor license. That would never have happened. Anyway, by 5 p.m. on Fridays my office would be full of people. Sometimes as many as 25 or 30 people. We would drink until people were through. Sometimes that was 6:30. Sometimes that was 3 a.m. Without realizing it. I was creating something. Pretty soon even the faculty would stop by to have drinks with the grad students. The chair of the department didn't like it but nobody stopped it.

My office was my home for three years. I became more and more comfortable as I went through school. And when it came time to move out it was emotional. Down came all the lights. That took more than an hour. If I can get some pictures of this I'll post them. The lights were hooked through beams and conduit. It took four circuits just to supply all the power needs. Next I boxed up all the books and supplies. Then came the poster and postcards. I had created a collage on my walls with "stuff" and it was a work of art. It's all in boxes now. Slowly over one weekend my school life was boxed up and taken a way.

Tonight I was in my "old" office. It was weird. It's not my space anymore. The furniture has been rearranged. The fridge is in new spot and it's not stocked with Corona. There are no lights in the air. And yet I look around and there are remnants of me here and there. Pieces of a project that I left behind. A poster of Eddie Murphy that I gave to C.D. A coffee mug. A set of glasses. The subway map. And yet none of these things are "me" anymore. They are objects that will be passed around until someone finally throws them out. Then I'll cease to exist in this world. I'll have no connection. It'll be as if I never were there.

So I sat there tonight thinking about all of this and it made me sad. Change is hard. I don't like it. I want the life back I had a year ago. And yet that is not possible. I have been set free to wander out into the world to make my fortune and my life at school is but a memory. Growing up sucks.

I haven't slept more than a couple of hours each night for the past two nights. On Sunday night I went to bed around 3:30 and was wide awake at 6:00. I tossed and turned for the next several hours before I finally gave up and pulled my ass out of bed. I spent the entire day in some sort of fuzzy otherworldliness. I felt drunk most of the day without the pleasure of actually drinking. At one point yesterday I was talking to my mom on the phone while parked in the parking lot of the 7-11 and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I dozed but my mom was talking the whole time. I don't even think she noticed. My waking up was followed by a series of uh-huh's as if I'd been there the whole time.

Then at around 7:30 last night I met my friend A.N. at Starbucks. She's been having boy trouble and I have been trying to listen even though I want to say "I told you so". But that wouldn't be nice now would it. So I had ice-tea while I was there. Actually I had two. At 3:30 this morning I was regretting that a lot. It was almost 5:00 a.m. before I was able to go to sleep and I had to be up at 7. Needless to say I've been drunk all day today as well.

Wish me luck. I am about to turn off the light and I could really use a good night's sleep. As it is I have spent the last hour reading blogs and so I am already behind before I start. But even 5 or 6 hours will be better than the past couple of days. I'll report back tomorrow.

I don't remember ever being taught manners by my parents. In truth they are not very polite people. My mother does not go out of her way to say please and thank you. And a "bless you" after a sneeze is unheard of. That being said, I picked it up from somewhere. I think I am a very polite person. I say please and thank-you. To this day I say ma'am and sir even though I am old enough to be a sir.

What amazes me is the number of people who aren't polite. Especially at work. My job is very stressful. We have a limited amount of time to make a lot of stuff happen. It's intense and you have to be "on" from the minute the clock starts ticking. I discovered years ago that "please" and "thank-you" go a long way. It's really doesn't take that much effort and people appreciate knowing that you actually acknowledge their participation in the project. I also think it make them work harder for you.

The people I am currently working for don't prescribe to this philosophy. There are no pleases and thank-you's. There are no words of kindness. Only words of ridicule. Only bitterness. Only bitchiness. It doesn't make you want to work. Most of the time it makes me not want to be there at all. Today was the end of our second week of work. Neither the head guy or the associate thanked their crew for a good weeks work. They didn't let them know they were appreciated. Didn't say a word. When the day was over they packed up their things and went home. Granted we don't expect to be thanked for doing our jobs. But a little appreciation never hurt anyone. Did it?

I am over the hump. The project that I have been working on is in the downhill section. We are past the worst of it and it's going well. The best part is there should be no more really late nights. I should be home at a reasonable hour, to get to bed at a reasonable hour so that I get a reasonable amount of sleep each night. I really don't function well when I am not getting enough sleep.

Of course sleeping has been kind of fun lately. I have had two sex dreams in the past two weeks. And sex is almost always fun. Even when it's in a dream. What's funny about this is that I have never been one to dream about sex. Even when I was 17 and that's all I thought about I didn't dream about sex. And now that I am in my 40's I am having sex dreams. I think it's because I haven't been getting the real thing lately. Who knows. But I am not going to knock it. It sure as hell beats being chased by monsters. And besides last night's dream was with two guys...at the same time. I should get to bed soon and see what happens tonight.

It's another late night for me. I left work at 12:45 a.m. We ran into some problems just as the day was ending and it's going to make for a long next couple of days. The good news. The associate has returned and I have gone back to being just a peon. As the bad news was being shared at the end of the day, I was very thankful I wasn't having to deal with all the crap. Of course I'll have to help but it won't be my responsibility. The other nice thing about having the associate back is that the intern has returned to being just an intern. Although in her defense she fetches coffee nicely.

I had fun writing last night's post. The facts that I shared just sort of poured forth. I didn't think about what they were, whether it was personal, or if it was interesting. I thought it, I typed it, I moved on. What was really interesting for me was how the current fact directly related to the previous fact. It didn't start out that way but moved into that direction. I finally fully embraced the idea and went with it.

There's not too much else to report. I have two days until my next day off. Of course based on the news that ended my day, it may end up being a working day off. I can hardly wait. As it is, my days off is quickly filling up with social activities. I am having lunch with J.G. the ex-boyfriend of my ex-boyfriend C.T. I am also helping my friend T.O. on a project that he's working on. It should actually be fun and I like T.O. a lot so I don't mind.

I feel as though I am rambling. So I am going to call it a night.

You know it's so much harder to find things to write about when I'm exhausted. I have been at work since 11 this morning and I just got home about 30 minutes ago. Of course I did go have a beer with my friend T.O., well actually it was two but who's counting. Anyway, it's almost 3 a.m. and I am tired and I want to write something so I thought maybe it was time to do what many people do and make a list about myself. Who knows some of you might find it interesting.

1. I am 41 years old.
2. I was born 3.5 years before my mother married her first husband.
3. He was not my father.
4. I was raised in Kentucky.
5. I only have an accent when I have had a couple of beers or have just talked to my mom.
6. I have a Master's degree from the University of Kentucky.
7. I haven't lived there since 1995.
8. I have lived in 7 states since 1987.
9. I move a lot. I have lived in at least 21 different apartments since 1987.
10. I have had four long term boyfriends.
11. S.G. was the one I loved the most and the one that I miss the most.
12. J.C. was crazy. Sweet but crazy.
13. K.A. was the best boyfriend. But we weren't attracted to each other. I like short stocky boys. He wasn't that. He likes tall black men. I wasn't that.
14. K.A. took me to my first bath house.
15. D.L.C. was the worst boyfried. He broke up with me because I had gained weight.
16. I have weighed as little as 185 pounds and as much as 280. I am on the high side of that scale now.
17. I am a compulsive eater. Especially where ice cream is concerned.
18. I was my thinnest when I was running 5 miles a day.
19. That stopped when I broke my foot in 2003.
20. It was my first broken bone.
21. I am a relatively healthy person.
22. I don't have an appendix. It burst in 2003 and I spent 8 days in the hospital. I have never known such pain before or since.
23. Morphine drips are fun.
24. I have done recreational drugs.
25. I won't pay for them, so it never became a problem.
26. I like to drink. Beer is a wonderful thing.
27. I hated beer in college. I thought it was gross.
28. I have 3 degrees.
29. My mom's family thinks I am insane because I have continued to go to college.
30. I am the only one on her side of the family to get a degree.
31. Did I mention that I have three.
32. I think being gay is biological and hereditary. On my mom's side of the family it's boys. On my dad's side of the family it's women.
33. My brother is gay.
34. His boyfriend is blind.
35. I am not close with my brother.
36. I am not close with his boyfriend.
37. He is my half-brother.
38. I consider my stepfather my "Dad".
39. I hated him growing up.
40. We developed a respect for each other after I graduated from college.
41. We once had a fist fight in our living room.
42. I moved out of my parent's house for about 3 months after that.
43. He died in 2003. I miss him a lot.
44. With a broken foot, a burst appendix, and a dead father--2003 was a sucky year.
45. I am closer to my mom since my dad's death.
46. I talk to her several times a week.
47. We talk about the weather.
48. We talk about the weather.
49. Did I mention that we talk about the weather.
50. She would like it if I moved back to Kentucky.
51. I would hate it if I moved back to Kentucky.
52. I haven't been home since Christmas.
53. I will be there next month.
54. I am driving my "belongings" cross country in October and will stop in Kentucky to see my mom.
55. It'll be my fourth trip driving cross country.
56. It'll be my second trip cross country in a U-Haul.
57. It'll be my third time seeing the World's Largest Cross.
58. I am not religious.
59. I believe in God.
60. I went to a Baptist College.
61. Baptists don't like the gays.
62. Did I mention that I was gay.
63. I like boys.
64. By boys I don't mean twelve year olds. I mean 35 year olds.
65. I like short boys.
66. I once had a boyfriend that was 5'1".
67. He was crazy.
68. He was HIV+.
69. I am HIV-.
70. I have had two HIV+ boyfriends.
71. I have many HIV+ friends.
72. I was with my friend S.H. when he found out.
73. We walked about 10 miles that day. Not talking.
74. I have only had one friend die of AIDS.
75. His name was Tony. I miss him a lot.
76. I dated him when I lived in Atlanta.
77. I liked living in Atlanta.
78. I lived there for two years.
79. I learned to wait tables there.
80. I worked in national chain restaurant there that only had 2 straight front of house employees.
81. It's where I came out of the closet.
82. It's where I learned being gay is fun...not a curse.
83. I came out of the closet the morning after my friend S.W.'s first annual Jewish Christmas Party.
84. Don't ask.
85. I made out with her at the party.
86. I went home with Duane after the party.
87. S.W. didn't speak to me for six months afterwards.
88. S.W. and I finally made up and are still friends to this day.
89. That was in 1987.
90. She was visiting in New York on September 11, 2001.
91. I spent the night with her that night because I was evacuated from my apartment.
92. I lived in the financial district.
93. Four blocks from Ground Zero.
94. I wasn't allowed to stay in my apartment for two weeks.
95. I don't like talking about 9/11.
96. It was very personal to me and still is.
97. I moved 1 month later to Brooklyn.
98. It was my second time living in Brooklyn.
99. I lived there until I moved to California.
100. It's 3:40 in California and I am tired. So I am going to bed.

This was fun.

I am too tired to think of something interesting or creative to write and I saw this meme today over here and thought I would give it a try. This is my first meme and I feel as though I am taking the easy road but I figure it's better than nothing.


1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes, at least three times that I remember.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Always open. It would be too scary the other way.

3. When is the last time you went sledding?
The last time I remember was the winter of 1993.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I love sleeping with someone else, although it hasn't happened in a while.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes!

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
It depends on the day of the week. My profession is creative in nature although I don't always consider myself an artist.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
I still don't know, but tend to think he did.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Jennifer Aniston

9. Can you honestly say you really know anything about politics?
I am not a pro, but I do consider myself informed. I do go through periods where I just can't take the bad news and tune it out for a while. This usually doesn't last very long.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
I love to play Blackjack.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Never 48 hours, but I did way toooo many all-nighters in grad school.

12. What’s your favorite commercial?
It's the old Coke commercial where they sing I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing.

13. Who was your first love?
Although he wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first true-love. I still love him to this day and miss him terribly.

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around, do you go through a red light?
Nope. I wait.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Yes.

16. Boston Red Sox or The New York Yankees?
Boston Red Sox.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I remember them when I first wake up but they are gone with in minutes.

19. What’s the one thing on your mind right now?
This project that I am working on.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
If I am going more than a couple of blocks.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I could play the piano better than I do.

22. Do you like sushi?
No.

23. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing at all.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
I don't hate them, but there are people I could care less about.

25. If you could meet one famous person, who would it be?
Bill Clinton

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
Yes.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Oysters

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
I have to admit, I have. But usually nothing I wouldn't do if they were looking.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
Yes.

That's it. Have a great Wednesday. I'll talk to you guys later in the week.

It's 3 a.m. And I don't have to work tomorrow. I am going to sleep until the middle of the afternoon. And then I am going to move to the couch and sleep there until tomorrow night. And then I am going back to bed and sleep at least 8 more hours. That's my plan anyway.

What's actually going to happen. At around 8:30 someone will call from NYC just to say hi. Then at 9:30 someone from work will call with a question that will mean that I have to go in. Once there, I'll be stuck until 4:30 when they are done for the day. Then I'll be in a bad mood and come home and pout for several hours before going to bed.

In truth I hope neither scenario plays out. I do plan to sleep late, but I also want to enjoy my day off. I am supposed to go to a BBQ on the beach tomorrow afternoon and then T.M. and I are supposed to have dinner. I am staying with T.M. while I am in San Diego and I have seen him three times since I got here two weeks ago. My schedule is so crazy and he works a regular job so we never run into each other. Then tomorrow night I have a little bit of catch up paperwork to do for my project. Then I'll watch a little Jon Stewart and then go to bed and get 8 hours of sleep. This is what I hope happens with my day.

I'll let you guys know tomorrow night before bed.

It's late as usual per my new schedule. I have been working from 11 a.m. till midnight for the past week on the project that I am doing. The schedule is kind of intense but it's what I do so I am somewhat used to it. In reality it's a hurry up wait kind of day. We sit and sit and sit and wait while things are worked out and then we go, go, go to make it happen. Then we back up and do it again and then the whole process starts all over again. 12+ hours of this a day. It's more fun than you can imagine.

Needless to say by the time I get home I am exhausted which is why I haven't been writing much lately. I am too tired to think of short entries and WAY too exhausted to write the long entries I want to write. But I am trying to keep everyone up to date on what's going on in my world.

With that. The first assistant on my project had to leave unexpectedly today because his young son is sick and in the hospital. That meansI now have to facilitate everything. There's a little pressure involved. And a whole lot of responsibility. Which makes me very nervous. I want to do a good job. I want my work to be respected. But if you've been reading lately you know what my boss is like and who knows what it'll be like now. But the job is mine whether I wanted it or not.

To make matters worse, we have a VERY eager intern working with us. She is full of energy and is always moving. And she never shuts up. She talks a mile a minute and is always talking. She of course moved up in the scheme of things as well. Unfortunately she doesn't know when to just take a note and when to ask questions. I had to take her aside during a break tonight and tell her to calm down. I think it worked because she was a little better. The thing she had the most problem with today though, was doing what I told her to do. I told her three times to type up tomorrow's notes and still she wouldn't do it. I finally had her just email me the file so I could do it myself. Our day doesn't end until those notes are sent off to the powers that be so I wanted them done so I could go home.

It's going to be a LONG weekend.

How's everyone doing? I don't know tonight because Blogger seems to be down and isn't letting me read all of my favorite blogs before I go to bed. Even when I don't have time to write, I read the 10 or so blogs that are most important to me. Now I have to go to bed not knowing how Michael, Larry, Kelly, Daniel or the rest of you are doing today. It's amazing how much I look forward to the few minutes before bed and the chance to glimpse into the worlds of other people who are striving to live their lives to the fullest. It makes me realize how good my own life is and how truly blessed I am. Not because your lives are so miserable, but simply by watching and listening and learning about the important things in life.

So I just want you to know how much I am missing all of you right now and how important you are to me. It sounds kind of silly talking about a bunch of people I don't know, but it's my guess you'll all understand what I am talking about. So have a great Friday and I look forward to catching up with all of you tomorrow night.

Lots of love,

Maddog

I feel as though I have been neglecting my readers. I haven't been posting regularly and have not finished my story about S.G. As most of you know I flew to San Diego last Sunday and I have not had two minutes to myself since I got here. I have been working almost non-stop. And it only gets worse from here. Starting tomorrow I begin the first of many 12 to 15 hour days. Of course I knew that was in store for me when I came here, but now that I am about to be in the middle of it I am not sure I want to do it. Of course it's WAY to late to change my mind so I'll do the work and try to enjoy it.

I have to admit that I have a lot of anxiety about the project for many reasons. First because I have yet to sign my contract. Based on the contract I was given I am expected to work 5 weeks and only be paid for 4. I realized this on Wednesday of last week. I spoke to P.D. about this and it was not a pleasant conversation. He made it sound like I was splitting hairs, that I was hired for a lump sum not weekly compensation, and then marched away without ending the conversation. I have yet to hear back from him so I have no idea where we are in the big scheme of things.

Then to make matters worse I am the second assistant on the project. The first assistant is all about making himself look good at the expense of those around him. I don't get the feeling that we are in this together. It's more of a feeling of watch your back to make sure you at least see him coming when he starts to stab you in the back. Of course perhaps I am just over reacting but it's my perception of the situation.

And the icing on the cake, is that the person who's running the project is a chain smoking alcoholic who starts drinking around lunch time and doesn't let up until the end of the day. I will spend every break that we take getting him coffee so that he can try to be coherent to do the work required of him. I'll do all of this while kissing his ass because he likes to know at every step of the way how grateful you are that he's letting you work on his project. You have no idea how much fun that is.

I have decided in the past couple of days that I am not meant to be an assistant. Kissing ass is not my strong suit. There are lots of things I do well but that's not one of them.

Wish me luck. I'll post when I can to let you know how it's going.

The time change from the east to the west coast is killing me. I don't remember ever having jet lag this badly before while traveling in the U.S. I have gone coast to coast several times over the years and I have always adjusted fairly quickly. But not this time. I am exhausted by 9 p.m. I am awake every morning by 6:30 a.m. It sucks. For the next several weeks I am going to not be home from work until after midnight and I am going to need to be able to sleep past 6:30 to get the sleep I need. Hopefully this situation will remedy itself soon.

I broke down today and rented a car. I had planned to try and do my 6+ weeks stay in San Diego relying on the help of friends and strangers. I lasted 3 days. Not having a car in Southern California is a nightmare. On Monday, I finished work about 4 hours ahead of schedule and then had to entertain myself until C.T. picked me up to have dinner. I discovered that Starbucks will refill your iced tea endlessly for 50 cents a pop. By the time I was at dinner I was exhausted and hadn't worked enough to warrant how I felt.

So I rented a car. The catch is that I am going to be here for such a long time. I checked most of the major rental places before I left to come west and it was going to run me about 1,100 bucks for the car. Before taxes and insurance. If I spent that much money it was not worth coming here to work in the first place. So yesterday my friend B.Y. walked us through the yellow pages looking at all the discount rental places. I finally settled on a place in Encinitas which is just north of San Diego. It seemed kind of far to go for the car but the plus was the cost. It was only going to run me 350 for the month. With insurance and tax it was still a lot of money but it was manageable.

So B.Y. drove me up this morning. Were we in for an awakening. I feel cheap and dirty. I also feel like I have done something illegal. And I kept expecting to be stopped by the police for driving a stolen car. The place is far from reputable. But when it was all said and done I drove away with a car (sort of) that will hopefully get me from point a to point b.

Basically the rental agency was a "buy here -- pay here" place. There were about 6 cars on the lot. I got to choose between a Hyundai that was a stick with no air conditioning to a Ford with air conditioning, a broken radio and no power steering. Since the weather's been in the 90's for the past several days I went with the Ford. It has 117,000 miles on it and looks like it's been driven hard. The paper work we filled out was a barely legible photocopy. I filled it in, gave the seedy guy behind the counter my license and waited for him to process everything. He had little to say other than to let me know I was writing on his part of the counter and I needed to move. And if I paid the entire amount in cash I didn't have to pay the tax. He took my credit card ran it through the machine and soon I was on my way.

The car is okay. It seems to run well although the lack of power steering means I can't drive it with one hand. It takes both hands on the wheel to make the turns safely. There is no cup holder so I have to do this with my Diet Coke balanced between my legs. When I got out of the car at work today I looked as though I had peed my pants. Turns out the radio works, it's just missing the knobs to turn it on and to change the stations.

At the end of the day I can't really complain. I needed a car. I couldn't afford a monthly rental from a real dealer. So I went with what was available. Now I just need to make sure I am not in any accidents because although I asked for insurance I am not sure what I got. Wish me luck.

A quick update. I flew to San Diego on Sunday. For those of you who have been reading for a while you know that I don't like to fly much. Actually it's the take off I don't like, but you get the point. I have to admit that it was okay. I discovered that if you have to pee when the plane is taking off, not peeing in your pants supersedes worrying about the plane exploding into a ball of fire. Needless to say I just wanted us to reach a cruising altitude so I could pee.

Now that I am in San Diego, I am working my butt off. I was at work all day yesterday and today. That's okay though, I'm only in San Diego to make some money. With any luck that will be the case. I did manage to go out last night with some school friends and drink way too much beer. I wasn't hung over today, but I definitely could feel the effects and I am exhausted now. Thus the reason for the short post.

So I am off to bed. I promise in the next couple of days I'll finish my S.G. posts and will spend some time catching you guys up on what's really been going on with me.

Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothing but boobies. Who needs 'em?

Tonight my roommate and I watched Valley of the Dolls. I had never seen the movie. It was a rare treat. I don't remember the last time I saw scenery chewed like it was tonight. There was some serious "acting" going on. My roommate C.Z. is in A.A. and as he pointed out the movie is just one long drunk-a-logue. These people go from bad to worse. Pills, Booze, Sex. What more could you ask for and some memorable lines to go along with it.

My absolute favorite was..."They drummed you out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway. But Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now get out of my way, I've got a man waiting for me.

What wonderful Hollywood memories.

Tune in tomorrow and I'll continue my S.G. story.

I didn't sleep last night thinking about yesterday's post. I haven't thought about S.G. in any kind of depth in a long time. As I wrote last night I realize how much I miss what we had together. Of all the boyfriends that I have had he was the most affectionate, thoughtful, and caring. There was a Valentine's Day present that he gave me that is still one of the most wonderful gifts I have ever been given. I miss him.

When S.G. broke up with me I was fine for two weeks. Then I lost it at work and had to go home. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed. If the truth were told, I spent the next six months in bed crying. I became depressed, desolate, and desperate. I told myself that I would do anything to get him back and thus began the long painful journey of getting over the relationship.

I found myself unable to function in any capacity. Luckily the restaurant I was working for at the time was understanding. I would go to work and break down into tears. I would come home and immediately go to bed and cry for hours. As the days went by the feeling got worse. I didn't know it at the time but I was in the midst of a Romantic Obsession. I refused to let him go.

I don't know how to write about this without sounding completely nuts. But in truth at the time I probably was nuts. In the months that followed I felt depression like I had never known it before or since. I was fixated on who S.G. was with. Who he was spending time with. Did he have another boyfriend. He had a good friend that lived on the second floor of the house we had rented. He would come to visit her and I would pray that he would stop to see me. I would call him at all hours of the night. Many times I was able to convince to stop by and see me. This only made things worse because when he left I became distraught. I began to follow him. I would park across the street from his parents house to find out what time he came home. I would call him at school at all times during the day. I was becoming his own Fatal Attraction.

There were days that I was on the verge of suicide. I would take sleeping pill after sleeping pill trying to go to sleep. They never seemed to work. I would lay for hours watching the time go by one minute after another. I would bang my head against the wall trying to get the emotional pain to go away. I threw things. At one point almost every dish I had in my kitchen was broken. I would take the glass from the broken items and cut my palms with them. I didn't bathe. I didn't eat. At it's worst I went two weeks without leaving my apartment and without leaving my bed.

These feelings went on for months. In April of that year a friend of mine and S.G.'s committed suicide. Of all the people I have ever known she was the one I would have suspected it from the least. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. She was always happy and made everyone happy. She was a beautiful human being. After her death, I began to think more seriously about my own death. It was as if she had given me permission to end things. In a fit of desperation I called my therapist, whom I had not seen in months, at home on a Saturday. This was at the end of the two weeks in bed. I told her I needed help and if things didn't change I didn't think I would make it. We talked for about 30 minutes. She told me to get out of bed and shower. She told me to clean up part of the kitchen, and then to reward myself by doing something good like going to the movies. I did this. At this point I was willing to do whatever it took to make the pain stop.

Believe it or not during this entire ordeal I had managed to interview for a job, I still don't know how. As luck would have it I got the job and it forced me to move to Cincinnati. In July of that year I moved and S.G. was a thing of the past. We talked sporadically. I still longed for him but the debilitating anguish was gone. I still had evenings where I cried myself to sleep but slowly I was becoming normal again.

In December I met K.A. We hit it off from the moment we met and within a couple of weeks we were inseparable. I still thought about S.G. but I was moving on with my life.

I still haven't gotten to the reason we don't talk. However, giving the back story has been very therapeutic. As I have said the depression I felt after our breakup was the most intense I have ever known. It still keeps me on edge. I am convinced that just around the corner the possibility of reliving it exists. I will do anything to make sure I never relive the pain that I experienced in the early months of 1995.

Tomorrow I will continue the story.