A Maddog In the City

2007-02-23T06:03:00.000-05:00

Never to be one to stand on my own two feet. Maddog packed up his belongings and moved back to NYC last night. Oh, wait. That's not what happened. I packed up my blog and moved to WordPress following in the shoes of Spider, Kelly, Ur-Spo and many other favorites. My new URL is: http://maddoginthecity.wordpress.com/ don't forget to make the change in your blogroll and links. We wouldn't want you to miss a single minute of Maddog's adventures. Especially now that he's in San Diego and playing with "gay" people. Boys to be specific.

So drop by my new house, tell me what you think. I'm open to suggestions, criticism, and praise. You name it, I can take.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Maddog

2007-02-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still a sick Maddog. I've come to the realization that breathing is highly over rated. Especially through the nose. If God had meant for us to breath through our nose he wouldn't have given us other options. Right? I'm going to try and get to bed early tonight hoping some good rest will hit the spot.

In other news, I'm travelling to San Diego tomorrow. I'll be there until Monday. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to being around other people. I haven't had a non-school related conversation with someone face-to-face in almost six weeks. It'll be great to talk about politics, and movies, and drink beer with people that I know. If I weren't sick I'd be jumping up and down with joy right now.

In Iowa news. I had another mediocre meal tonight. I'm now o for 10 in the food world. Ten meals out of ten mediocre meals. Tonight the chair of the department treated all of us out for dinner to welcome me to the department and to treat the woman who is here designing scenery for the spring show. My big question is: How is the meat tough? By my best guess, it was alive on a pig farm down the street two minutes ago. It was probably eating breakfast this morning without a care in the world and now it's sitting on my plate covered in yucky barbecue sauce and so tough it would take 3 days to chew through it. And to make matters worse the portions are huge. I wouldn't mind so much, if the food was good. But why make a situation worse by giving me more bad food than I would ever want. I've decided to give up eating out in Iowa. Maybe I'll treat myself to Hardee's, McDonald's, or Dairy Queen. At least then I know what the food will taste like and I won't be expecting more than I get.

On a better note the temperature has been in the 50's for the past few days. Which is good and bad. Good because I was just about done with the extremely cold weather. Bad for two reasons. The first: The warm weather melts the snow during the day. At night the temperature drops back down below freezing and for the past three days I've ice skated home. And if any of you know me, you'd know how non-athletic I am. I've almost hit the ground at least a dozen times. This leads to me bad reason number two. There are no street lights to light my way from school to home. I walk home blindly lit by the passing cars or what little light spills from the living rooms of the houses I pass. Therefore, it's impossible to see the ice on the side walk until you are already skating across it. Or even better, you can't see the puddle in the middle of the walk until you are ankle deep in ice cold water. Both feet were soaked tonight before I got home.

Did I mention that I was going to San Diego where it's always warm and never rains. Somebody slap me the next time I say I miss winter.

2007-02-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

I can't breathe. I haven't been able to breathe all day. And to make matters worse, my nose is running. I finally had to excuse myself today in class to go get tissue because I could no longer hide the fact that my nose was running.

I don't think I mentioned it but I had a job interview on Friday. I had the first interview to be hired for the full time tenure track position in Iowa. The interview went amazingly well. I don't think I could have been more on if I had wanted to. I had all the right answers and was able to answer all the questions honestly, with the answers I think they are looking for. Of course now it's just wait and see. I feel like the interview went well because I'm not 100% sure that I want the job. I just don't know if living in small town America is for me. But who knows we'll have to wait and see. But I do think that interviews for jobs you don't want always go better because there's no pressure. If it works out great. If it doesn't great.

I also know that someone from my small town is reading my blog. The hit shows up every couple of days on my site counter. I continue to hope that it's the guy that I met on line who told me he had found my blog. I would hate to think that some student of mine has found me and reading my deep dark secrets. Actually, I haven't told any truly deep dark secrets in a while. The more I get to know all of you the more I edit myself. I don't want you to find out what I am really like because then you won't like me. At least that's my perception.

2007-02-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday with the beginnings of a cold. I attributed most of it to allergies, so I took some Claritin and after a couple of hours felt okay and I thought the worst of it was behind me. That was not the case. I woke up this morning and it was back with a vengeance. I'm congested, tired, sneezing and just feel overall like crap. I found the local pharmacy and bought some Sudafed Sinus medicine. It's helped a little but I still feel like crap. I got home around 4:00 and by 4:15 I was taking a nap. I had thought I would sleep for about 30 minutes. I woke up to the phone ringing at 7:00. I had been SOUNDLY asleep, dreaming about school. Who knows how long I would have slept if the phone hadn't woke me up. I will probably never get to sleep tonight after sleeping so late in the afternoon.

The worst part about the cold is that I'm a terrible sick person. I have the hardest time functioning when I am sick and like to do pretty much nothing but sleep. Unfortunately, I have a very busy week. Classes are going to take a lot of planning. In fact, one class I'm winging tomorrow, because I just didn't have the energy to do what I had planned. I'm also in the process of doing a design for the local high school. They have a brand new theatre space and this will be their first fully produced production. It's not a very complicated show, but it still takes work. I was surprised last Friday with the information that the design had to be completed before I left to go to San Diego on Thursday. I spent the weekend figuring out the rough designs. Tomorrow after class, I have to solidify my ideas and start drafting them. I don't like drafting on a good day, but I especially don't like it when I am sick. Perhaps Donnie or Digital would like to do some drafting for me? Luckily the design isn't very complicated and shouldn't take long to do, it's just the reality that I have to do it.

I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

2007-02-19T00:45:00.000-05:00

What I learned today in small town America.

Audiences in a full theatre here behave just like they do in theatres in NYC. I went to see Bridge to Terabithia and the theatre was packed with screaming kids. There were at least two people who answered their cell phones and then there were the two teenagers who were eventually escorted from the theatre for throwing popcorn, farting, and disturbing everyone in the back of the theatre. For two plus hours I really felt like I was back in the big city. Just for the record the movie is not for small children. It's really for kids 9 or 10 year olds. Unfortunately, the average age today was about 4 and they were BORED.

I also learned that unlike NYC people here don't assume what your buying should go in a bag. I went to the Kum and Go (Insert joke here) last night and the girl looked at me like I had three heads when I asked for a bag for my things. The same thing happened today at the grocery store. Is it too much to ask that when you buy something that it can be put into something you can carry.

After almost six weeks in Iowa I've yet to find a restaurant in town that has decent food. Tonight I tried Chinese. I've heard since I got here which Chinese place is best and was told in fact that the one next to the coffee shop was excellent. I guess excellent is relative. I had the worst broccoli chicken I've ever had. It's was completely lacking in flavor and I almost didn't know I was eating. It was more than a little disappointing.

That's it today for Life Lessons in Iowa.

2007-02-17T17:39:00.000-05:00

I keep learning a lot about small town life. For example today I learned that just because it's the best diner in town, doesn't mean it's the best diner ever. I ventured out in the fresh snow today to get breakfast out for the first time since moving here. I had been directed to the A & M Diner about 10 or so blocks from my house, so around 10:30 or so I headed over.

I wanted to take pictures but I wasn't sure that the locals would like it much. Let's just say it's a DIVE! In fact, there was an entry door that led into the restaurant, except it opened up on to what looks like a large storage closet. In that room there were about 5 or so solid doors an old refrigerator some boxes and other odds and ends. One of the doors had a hand written sign that said "pull to enter." I wasn't sure what to expect or even if I was in the right place, but I went to the door and pulled. Inside was the seating area for the restaurant. It was a huge open space with a concrete floor, plastic chairs and old signs on the wall. At one end of the room was a Christmas tree on a stage that had been decorated for Valentine's Day. The room was so thick with smoke that you could cut it with a knife.

The restaurant was about half full and I wandered in looking for a place to sit. I was also looking for a place I could breathe. The seating area is quite large and I kept moving all the way to the back corner. There was a booth open. I sat down and waited. Scattered around the room was thirty or so people and my guess would be that 75% of them over the age of 10 were smoking. Luckily my corner seemed to be out of the air flow. After about 10 minutes or so "Flo" showed up with a menu and water. The menu looked like it had seen better days. "Flo" went off to get me a Diet Pepsi and I began to look for breakfast. I decided on a ham and cheese omelet and a cinnamon roll. "Flo came back, took my order and was off again. I might add at this point that the most expensive thing on the menu was 6.50 I think. It was for some sort of lunch meal.

I waited a few minutes and my cinnamon roll appeared. It was huge, smothered in icing and looked great. Ah, but disappointment was soon to present itself. The roll had the consistency and taste of white bread. It was soft and mushy and had no flavor. In fact if it weren't covered in icing it would have had no flavor at all. I ate about half of it, because I was starving and still waiting for my breakfast. Eventually my omelet was dropped off. I might start by saying that most of the ingredients were on the outside. The cheese was melted on top of the eggs and the ham was sprinkled on top of that. And it tasted awful. I wouldn't even know how to describe it other than awful. I ate about a half of it. Luckily, it's hard to screw up hash browns and toast so those were enough to fill me up.

"Flo" had dropped off the check with the omelet in true diner fashion. The bill was totalled but it was easy to see that the entire thing was less than ten dollars. My favorite part of the morning was that omelet was spelled omlet on the check. I took a deep breath and headed for the cashier. I paid and was out the door.

As I said I have been told that this is the best diner in town. I'm not even sure where the other one is and I have been assured it's too far to walk. What I do know is this one is not worth the walk. If I go back it will only be to take pictures for you guys so you can see the proof of what I'm talking about.

2007-02-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a great day. I actually saw another gay man in town tonight. Before you get excited it's not like we had sex or anything. In fact we didn't even speak. We just kind of glanced at each other across the coffee shop secretly knowing the truth.

I discovered that one of the coffee shops in town also functions as a bar. So on Monday and then again today, I went there to prep for my classes and to have a beer. It's been kind of nice being out where other people are and since I don't/can't drink coffee after lunch or it keeps me up all night, beer is the perfect alternative. So today I got to the coffee shop around 4:00 and ordered my beer and a bowl of tomato soup and got to work. It took about an hour an half to get my notes together for tomorrow. I then ordered another beer, and scanned my notes. While I had been there the place had kind of cleared out and since I knew talking on my cell phone wouldn't bother anyone I decided to catch up on some calls. While I was on the phone... in walked Mr. Gay Man. As he walked in and to the back of the shop, he glanced at me three or four times. He settled in and I continued my phone call, but every once in a while I noticed him watching me. Unfortunately, he was with a number of other people and so there wasn't a time for us to talk. It was nice though at least seeing someone else gay. And he was kind of cute. He was probably in his late 40's with just a touch of grey at the temples. And he was short, and you know how I like my short boys. I may just have to go hang out there some more and see if he shows up. I'll keep you posted.

Hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day.

2007-02-13T07:08:00.000-05:00

Maddog's Monday check-in on Tuesday:

I haven't posted in the last couple of days because I haven't had much to say. There's not much going on here and if I have one more conversation just about the weather I'm going to scream. I've been talking to my mother almost once a day and she can talk about the weather for 40 minutes without talking about anything else.

So what has been going on with me? I went to the movies twice over the weekend. As I reported Happily N'ever After sucked. However, I did see Dreamgirls again. It was just as engaging the second time as it was the first. The audience was more reserved and no one applauded but I felt like they were enjoying it as much as I was. Overall, it's a great movie and it's easy to see why Jennifer Hudson is getting the attention that she is.

I applied for two jobs last week. One was the full time position here in Iowa. The other was in Oklahoma. The job application process for Oklahoma sucked. It all had to be done on line and the catch is there is no way to go back and add documents once you process the application. Unfortunately, I didn't' have electronic copies of my transcripts so I don't know if I'll be considered for the position or not. At this point, I'm not too worried about it. I do have a phone interview scheduled for the job here in Iowa. I have no idea what to expect and I'm not even sure I want the job, but at the very least it will be practice interviewing which I haven't done in a while.

As for my weight this week. I gained 1.5 pounds last week. This isn't as bad as I thought it would be but it's still not losing. I have been eating everything in sight...well not really but too much to lose weight. It's all out of boredom and I'm aware of this. Unfortunately, I am bored.

The one saving grace is that I leave for San Diego in a week and a half. I'm going out for four days to go my friend's memorial service. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone as well as having some warm weather.

Have a great rest of the week.

2007-02-10T01:32:00.000-05:00

I dropped off my application materials today. The results are now out of my hands. The secretary was kind of funny, commenting on the fact that I was turning in my stuff a week late. I didn't tell her that I wasn't going to apply at all. I just ask her not to hold it against me and left it at that. We'll see in the next week or so how this turns out.

I also mailed out seven scarves today. Unfortunately, I was boxing up the last scarf when I realized I had never taken a picture of them. You'll just have to trust me that this batch was nicer than the last batch. I realized today that it actually cost more to mail them, than it does to buy the materials. Not that I mind. It really is a labor of love. It's also been a way for me to reach out to my blogger friends. This guy asked for a scarf for himself and his dog Diamond. And this guy asked for a rainbow scarf. Both scarves have been finished. One is on the way, including a scarf for Diamond, and the other scarf will be mailed on Monday. I have started my own little club of people who have Maddog scarves.

I also went to the movies today. Since it's only $4.00 a movie here for a matinee I don't sweat going much. In NYC it's almost $11.00 bucks so to go very often gets to be expensive. Today I saw Happily N'Ever After. It was awful. In fact, if I'd had just about anything else to do tonight I would have left about 30 minutes into it. But since I'm in Iowa with little else to do, I stayed. It did not get better. I highly recommend NOT seeing this film, even at home on DVD. There was nothing redeeming about it. Of course going to the movie did allow me to see the guy who works at the theatre. He's by far the best looking guy I've seen in Iowa. He's been there every time I've gone and it's always a pleasure to see him.

That's it for this very cold Friday night. I hope everyone has a wonderful, and relaxing weekend.

2007-02-09T00:14:00.000-05:00

I keep forgetting that I am not in Kansas anymore. So what did I discover today.

Did you know you can still smoke in restaurants? I guess I knew this but it's been so long since I witnessed it, I had forgotten. You can't smoke in restaurants in NYC, you definitely can't smoke in them in California, and surprisingly enough you can't smoke in them in Lexington, KY. You can however, smoke in them at Kelcy's Restaurant up the street. I discovered this when I was informed tonight that there was no seating available in nonsmoking and if I wanted a table I'd have to sit in smoking. It didn't give me a lot of choices, so I took it. It wasn't too bad, luckily the only people smoking were the waitress and hostess. Yes, you heard that right the only people smoking, in the smoking section were the hostess and waitress.

Next, I discovered that you can pay for dinner with a check. I didn't even know checks still exist. I pay everything on line except for my rent. But as I sat and ate dinner, patron and after patron wrote checks to pay for their dinner. In fact here in Iowa you can write a check for any purchase at all. Most people here have never heard of an ATM card or credit card. You find yourself standing in line waiting as little old ladies write check, after check, after check.

I also discovered that people are still hung up on the French not joining us in Iraq. Tonight I got American Fries. Which look like French fries. Taste like French fries. And smell like French fries. But I guess they can't be French fries, because, well you all remember.

I also discover that Citgo, the store that "Almost Never Closes" according to the big sign on the front of their store, closes at 10:00. I don't know when they would close if they were "almost always closed", or "almost always closes early".

These are all the lessons I learned today. I'm sure the longer I am here the more I'll learn about life in the Midwest.

As for the job applications, every thing's been proofed and re-proofed and I think it's ready to go. I'll get up in the morning and take it all to school. Who knows what will happen but as my recovery friends say, "I've taken the action, I'll let go of the results."

2007-02-08T00:44:00.000-05:00

I was called into the department chairs office yesterday after class. In fact, she interrupted my class to let me know that she wanted to see me. My first thought was, OH NO! I've done something wrong. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was and then I realized what she wanted. She wanted to talk to me about why I hadn't applied for the tenure track position that they are hiring for.

As soon as class was over I stopped by her office, and I was right. That's what she wanted to talk to me about. I tried to explain my reasoning to her but she was having no part of it. She specifically asked me to get my application materials to her by the end of the week. I didn't know what to say, so I agreed.

I spent most of yesterday pretending that everything was ready to go, knowing of course that it wasn't the case. So what did that mean. All day to day I have been working on Teaching Philosophy's, Letters of Application and updating my resume/CV. It has NOT been a lot of fun. I hate doing this stuff. Why can't I just go in, fill out an application and get the job. That's the way it should be done.

Long story short, the first drafts of all of these items are finished. I emailed them off about 30 minutes ago to my friends who are smarter than me, to correct. I am hoping my friend T.M. can add the magic touch since he's some big shot S.V.P. of marketing. He actually just got promoted to big chief in charge last Friday. He'll be reading this post, so everyone say hi. Anyway, I should get every one's responses back tomorrow. I'll print out everything and turn it in on Friday. It'll include everything but my letters of recommendation which are being written as we speak and will be sent separately.

Who knows if I'll get the job? I spoke to friend of mine today about it and we both agreed that teaching in Iowa is better than temping in NYC. So a job here would be better than some of the alternatives. The nice thing about getting these documents finished is it prepares me to send out applications to other schools. There are job 0openings in schools in Massachusetts, Oklahoma, and about three in California. Who knows if these are better positions. I do know they at least wouldn't be so isolating.

Wish me luck.

2007-02-07T11:45:00.000-05:00

Last week I mailed off all the scarves I had made. My friends A.N. and C.D. and K.E. and L.M. and S.H. and T.O. all got surprises in the mail over the weekend. They weren't expecting the packages and they all were pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately A.N., C.D. and T.O. had theirs delivered at school and caused a little bit of a sensation when they opened their boxes. Seems everyone is jealous that they didn't get a scarf. So yesterday, I was on the phone with two friends from school choosing what color they wanted for their scarves. In fact one is a teacher. They all loved them so much they want one for themselves.

So I won't be able to sit around a mope this weekend. I'll be crocheting my fingers off. I now have 6 scarves to finish by the middle of next week, and I have enough yarn for 20 more laying in my living room floor. It's actually been kind of fun doing these little projects. They take about an evening and a half to finish so it's not a long process. The hardest part is figuring out what color works for each person. I'll post pictures of the latest creations later in the week.

2007-02-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

It's time for my Monday check-in:

Weight Loss this week: 2 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 27.5 pounds
Miles walked: 16 miles
Miles run: 2 (slowly, but it's a start)
Average Temperature this week: 25 million degrees below zero
Scarves finished: 5
Total scarves since moving to Iowa: 12

It's been a much better day today. I slept late, which I desperately needed, and then actually got busy doing all of the things I had put off from the weekend. I returned email, while drinking a lot of coffee, returned a number of phone calls, and got started planning my classes for the week. The afternoon was gone in a flash and it was time to walk to school for a production meeting. The meeting went well, and most of my concerns were things that have been changed in my favor so I no longer have to deal with them. After the meeting, I attended rehearsal, and then walked home. That's the short and sweet of it, concerning my day, and as I said, the feelings from the weekend were gone.

I've dealt with depression my whole life, and in the past 7 or 8 years it's been kept in check by a number of different methods: Exercise, medication, therapy, healthy eating, etc. The one thing I have come to terms with over the past few years is that no matter how depressed I am, I know it's not going to last. Sometimes, I have to stop my pity party and remind myself that's true but I just tell myself that if I get some sleep, hold on and in a couple of days it will be gone. For the most part, for the last few years this has worked. That was very much how I dealt with this past weekend.

Thanks to everyone who offered their words of support this past weekend. It always makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. So if you stopped by and left a comment thank you. If you didn't leave a comment thank you too. It's kind of funny but according to the counter on my sight more people are stopping by my blog than ever before and yet the comments have been slipping. I don't understand why, but I'm just glad that people are stopping by to see what I have to say.

2007-02-04T23:51:00.000-05:00

It's been a long couple of days. I have been in the worst mood possible. I've searched and searched for what's going on and although there are many reasons I might be in this space nothing really jumps out at me. So what could it be.

First it's fucking cold here. And I don't say that lightly. It's -7 right now, and with wind it feels like -20. It's been that way for three days and it's not supposed to get any better in the next few days. We have a warm front moving in on Tuesday. The high will be 17. That will be the warmest it's been in several days. I haven't left the house today because it's so cold outside and without a car, walking anywhere is painful. Yesterday I walked to the gym and the wind was causing my eyes to water which promptly froze on my eye lashes. By the time I got to the gym I had icicles hanging from my face. I was not about to try that again today.

It's also more than a little lonely here. I haven't seen a gay person in more than three weeks and I haven't had a personal conversation in just as long. At school, the rest of the faculty has been super friendly and super helpful. What they haven't been is interested in me personally. No one talks to me about my personal life, or even my professional life outside of school. They also aren't interested in doing anything outside of the school day. There have been no invitations for coffee, or a beer, or lunch or dinner. I go to school, I teach my classes, I come home. The rest of my day is spent by myself. This gets old after a while. Before you ask, there aren't really any social outlets in town. I don't see myself going to the sports bar up the street and watching football. I also don't see myself hanging out on campus with a bunch of students who are young enough to be my children. So for the most part, for the next three months I'm on my own.

I'm also tired of dieting. I've talked about this a little on my blog but I'm on a couple of medications for depression. One of those meds, the one I depend on most, that changed my life dramatically as soon as I started taking it, can slow your metabolism, if you take it for long periods of time. I've been on the med about 7 years and I can tell the difference in my metabolism. If I eat three light meals of mostly vegetables. I don't lose weight. I stay exactly where I am. The only way for me to really lose weight is to starve myself. Not really, but it feels like it. I have to watch everything I eat and monitor it like there's no tomorrow. And even with that the weight is very slow to fall away. In all, I'm tired of it. I want to be skinny now. I want to not think about it. Before some of you start talking about switching meds, I've already talked to my doctor about it. He's agreed to do it, but not before I come home from Iowa. He doesn't want me to be suddenly thrown into a deep depression while I am here because we are playing with my meds. So until July, I'm stuck.

I could go on but it's making my mood worse. I realize the weather isn't forever. In fact this job isn't forever. I also know in a couple of days I'll be completely over this and it'll be as though nothing was ever wrong. In the meantime I just need to get back to my schedule and keep myself busy. Believe it or not there's a lot a person can do to stay busy in a three bedroom house all alone. I have movies to watch, scarves to make and posts to write. Of course I should also do the dishes, put my laundry away and put together my notes for Tuesday's class. And for now, I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Thank God this weekend is over!!!

2007-02-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

The 25 Question Meme
If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? If money were no object I wouldn't build the house I'd buy a brownstone in the West Village of NYC.
What's your favorite article of clothing? Don't really have a favorite that I wear. Have a couple of things that are saved from when I was a kid that I value a lot.
Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? Why are we worried with the opposite sex?
What's the last CD that you bought? The Dreamgirls movie soundtrack
Where's your favorite place to be? Paris...specifically in the Rodin Museum in the garden.
Where is your least favorite place to be? today....Iowa....
What's your favorite place to be massaged? My back
Strong in mind or strong in body? Stronger in mind than body.
What time do you wake up in the morning? On Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:00...the rest of the week, whenever I wake up.
What is your favorite kitchen appliance? My coffee maker. It's the only thing that gets me going in the morning.
What makes you really angry? Stupid people...and close minded people
If you could play any instrument, what would it be? I play the piano but not very well. I'd love to be able to play anything I wanted and not be afraid to play in front of people
Which do you prefer...sports car or SUV? Sports Car. I don't understand why most people have SUV's when sedan would do just as well and would be better for the environment.
Do you believe in an afterlife? It depends on the day of the week. Today, I don't know.
Favorite children's book? The Wizard of Oz...I read the whole series as a child.
What is your favorite season? Spring. I love when everything is in full bloom.
Your least favorite household chore? How can you have a favorite chore? If it's a chore, then it's not usually fun.
If you could have one super power, what would it be? I'd like to be invisible. I think it would be fun and could use it to do good. Like look at boys in the showers.
If you have a tattoo, what is it? I don't have one. I'm afraid I would get one and change my mind the minute it was done and have to spend tons of money to get rid of it.
Can you juggle? Not very well, but I can.
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? If it's someone who's no longer around Tony. If it's someone who is still alive just not in my life then it would be S.G.
What's your favorite day? Fridays. You have the whole weekend in front of you.
What's in the trunk of your car? What car?
Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Sushi? Yuck. Definitely hamburger.

Sorry about two memes in a row. I don't do them often, but I am in the worst mood I've been in, in a long time. I woke up in a bad mood and the events of the day have made it worse. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep will make things all better.

2007-02-03T00:03:00.000-05:00

1. Home theatre or movie theatre? - Movie theatre. All movies are better in the theatre.
2. Hardwood or wall-to-wall? - hardwood. Always hardwood floors.
3. Pencil or ballpoint pen? - Neither. It's a pen, but not a ball point.
4. Digital or analog? - If we're talking time. Digital. And military. It's 23:06 as I type this.
5. “Wet” or dry? Hmmm. Makes me think of my friend S.H. who used to joke about Spit and Ram. Never completely dry though. That's painful.
6. Hardback or paperback? - I'd only read hardback if I could affortd them.
7. Gasoline or electric? - Gas until the perfect the whole electric car thing.
8. Photograph or painting? - I like both, but in my house they are all paintings...all painted by friends of mine.
9. Mountains or shore? - I prefer the mountains although I'd never say no to going to the beach.
10. Curtains or blinds? Blinds most of the time...but I am gay so a good window treatment will also work.
11. Shower or spa tub? - Shower, although I once lived in an apartment that had a claw foot tub that was 7 feet long. I took more baths in that year than ever in my life.
12. Blu-ray or HD DVD? - Huh? TV is TV. I'm not sold on the High Definition thing. I don't watch it enough to care if the picture looks perfect.
13. Paint or wallpaper? - Paint. Unless you're a grandmother. And it's 1962.
14. Thoroughly cleaned and prepped or go with the moment? I've always gone with the moment.
15 “Ties” or “loafers” (slip-ons)? - Ties mostly
16. Stick shift or automatic? I've had both, but prefer a stick. It's more fun to drive. Unless you are stuck in California traffic going 4 miles an hour.
17. Saturday or Sunday? Saturday. Sunday's just a reminder that school/work starts again tomorrow.
18. 15% or 18%? Almost always 20%. If the check is less than 20 bucks sometimes even more. I was a waiter tooooo many years not to tip well.
19. Football or soccer? - Absolutely football. I've always liked standing up and stretching during the 7th inning stretch. It's also a good time to go get a beer.
20. Lands End or L. L. Bean? - They're both great. But since my best friend M.M. moved to Maine I've shopped at L.L. Bean more.

I got this from Spider and since I'm at a loss for words tonight. This is what you get.

2007-02-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

What a great day I had today. In fact it was one of the best days I've had in a while.

It started with getting out of bed at 6:00 a.m. For those of you who don't know me, until I came to Iowa, I don't remember the last time I saw 6:00 a.m. In fact, the alarm went off at 5:30 and I snoozed it till just before 6:00. I finally had to get up because the alarm on my phone in the living room was ringing and forced me to go deal with it. It's no small miracle that I was awake at all this morning since at 2:00 a.m. I was still lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. I have had trouble sleeping every night before class day. I'm hoping this will wear off.

So I was up early, checked email, and watched CNN while drinking muchos, muchos coffee. At about 7:35 I wrapped myself up nice and warm and headed to school. The thermometer on the bank I pass said it was 6 degrees at 7:45. If I wasn't awake before the walk, I was certainly awake after the walk.

Got to school and taught my two classes. They both went very well. In fact I didn't have time to finish either lecture because my students were very involved in the discussion. It's sort of a double edged sword. I'm glad they were participating, but by the end of next week we have to be back on schedule or we'll never get through all the information we need to get through.

After class I ran by the post office to drop off my Netflix movie. Have I mentioned how wonderful Netflix is. I love that I don't have to go anywhere to get my movies. They just sort of show up. And when you live in BFE Iowa you need something to keep you busy.

After the post office I stopped at the grocery store. This wouldn't be blog worthy except the store near my house, I discovered today, doesn't sell pre-packaged meat. You have to get everything from the butcher. This too wouldn't be blog worthy if it weren't for Nick. Hmmmm. I may have to go buy meat every day. He's beautiful, in his clean cut Iowa way and just as sweet as can be. Who knew pork chops came in so many different varieties.

After the grocery I came home, changed clothes and headed back to campus. I was on my way to the gym. I got my faculty ID card yesterday which gives me gym privileges until the end of May. So I trudged the half mile back to campus to work out. I also discovered that the gym and building are only about a year old so everything is in great shape and brand new. All of this is made better by the fact that no one was there. I only did cardio today. I ran a mile (first time I've run in well over two years) and then walked 3 miles. In all, I did an hour of cardio. It felt great, I just hope that I am not sore tomorrow.

After the gym I trudged the half mile back home and had lunch. Then it was the best time of all. I got my comforter off my bed, curled up in the recliner in the living room and the next thing I knew it was 4:45. Nothing like a warm nap on a very cold winter afternoon to hit the spot. After the nap, I talked on the phone for a while and then got re-dressed to go back to school.

In April I am designing the lights for a dance project that's turning out to be very exciting. I'm going to be able to stretch my abilities and approach it differently than I've approached most of my shows in the past few years. I think it's going to be fun. Anyway, I went to school to watch a rehearsal of the piece, had a brief conversation with the choreographer and then headed back home.

Then it was dinner, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and now blogging. All in all a near perfect day.

2007-01-31T11:25:00.000-05:00

I was way too tired to post last night, so here's a middle of the day post.

I made the most outstanding discovery on Sunday. I was walking around, freezing my butt off, when I decided it was too cold to continue. So I went in this "store" that was open on Sundays. Turns out you can get books from this "store" for free if they give you give them a lot of personal information and they give you a card. I got a library card on Sunday. Who would have known. I haven't had a library card in years. In fact I don't remember the last time I was in a public library. This one is very small but they have the latest best sellers and it's cute and quaint. I'll take pictures this weekend and post them. So I checked out two books. One I needed for my class and one is just to read. I'll let you know how they are.

On another note, I have had to find a hobby to keep myself busy. I have LOTS of free time here in Iowa with not much to do. So I have started crocheting again. My mother taught me to do it in when I was in 6th grade. That winter we missed almost two months of school and I was bored, so she sat me down and taught me the basics. It's not hard and I managed to teach myself the rest. I haven't crocheted in years. In fact, it took a couple of days to really get used
to it again. So now I am making scarves for all my friends. I have made 7.5 scarves since I have been here. Two of them I mailed out last week and the other 5 were mailed yesterday to both sides of the country. It's been kind of fun. I crochet while I am watching TV and it doesn't feel like I am wasting my time. I have one more to finish and yarn for about 20 more so I have enough to keep me busy until it gets to0 warm to make scarves and then I'll have to move on to something else. Here is a picture of the scarves I finished so far.

2007-01-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

It's time for my weekly update.

Weight Lost this week: 2.5 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 25 pounds
Total Exercise: about 6 or so miles. It's too cold to be outside for long.
Classes Taught: 4
Total Students: 18 total. 11 in one class, 7 in the other
Days in Iowa: 14
Average Temperature this week: about 5 degrees...it's been VERY cold

That's about it for my update.

I apologize for last night's rant. I don't do that often on my blog but I just felt like I had to say something. The one thing I forgot to mention in my post is that Ted Haggard makes a brief appearance at the end of the movie. How did these people not know he was gay. He screams HOMOSEXUAL, and screams it with all caps. Just my opinion.

I also did a word cloud this weekend and am finally posting it. You guys can see what I am always talking about by how big the words are. If you want to do your own go here. It's pretty cool. It scans your blog and then captures the words that are most common.

Life in Iowa is okay. Had a very lonely weekend. It's weird not having a car in a place like this. Even weirder is that there's no place to go even if I did have a car. There's Wal-Mart, Ace Hardware, The Dollar General Store, and the video store, which I don't know the name for. There are a number of restaurants in town but I don't know if I feel comfortable yet, going there by myself. I'm trying right now to figure out which bar in town would be best to watch the Super Bowl. Not that I'm really interested in football, but it would be nice to be out of the house for a while and it would give me something to do. I'll let you know what I decide, although I have a feeling I'll be at home with my own six pack watching.

I have decided not to apply for the tenure-track position here in Iowa where I am teaching. I was hired as a one semester guest lecturer while they interview for the "real" position. Since I have been here I realize that I don't think the school is a good fit for me. Especially since the position is a scenery/lighting position. I can do scenery, but lighting is my speciality and I would much rather have a job that I can concentrate on teaching lighting. So the good news is I'll only be in Iowa for a few short months. The bad news is that I have to find a job at the end of the summer.

I bought my ticket to San Diego tonight. I'll be flying there on February 22, and returning on February 26. There is a memorial service for my friend who died on February 25 that I want to attend. It's being student produced and is a way for my friends who are still at school to celebrate C.P.'s life in their art. From what I have heard about it so far, it sounds like a wonderful tribute and the school administrators are behind them 100%.

That's it from my neck of the woods.

2007-01-29T00:02:00.000-05:00

I saw the scariest movie ever tonight. I was curled up in my chair waiting for someone to say BOO! Unfortunately, that never happened, and as I continued to watch I became more and more concerned that what I was seeing was real. The movie...

Jesus Camp.

It's a documentary about indoctrinating children to evangelical views of religion, specifically Christianity. They follow a series of children as they attend church, then religious camp and then go to Washington to protest abortion. I have no problem with religion. I have no problem with Christianity. On a good day, I think I might believe myself. What I don't believe is that children should be taught to hate and fear most of the general population. They are taught that if you are not a tongue speaking, bouncing up and down, feel the Lord sort of Christian than you are going to hell. In fact there is a whole scene about "dead" Christians who just sit in church, sing the songs, and don't really "feel" the spirit of the Lord.

As I said, I don't have a problem with religion. I don't even mind that they are conservative. It's just the hatred they feel toward me and my kind. It's the hatred they have for people of other faiths. It's the hatred they have for people that don't think as they do. It's the hatred they feel for anything different than they are. I don't pretend to know a lot about other faiths and I barely know much about Christianity, but if I have to worship a hateful vengeful god then I think I'll take my chances with not believing. What happened to the teachings of Christ. What happened to "love thy neighbor?" What happened to "do onto others as you would have them do onto you?" What happened to John 3:16? That's about all the scripture I can quote but according to several churches I've attended it's enough. All it takes is a belief to be "saved." There was no talking of having to "feel" the spirit.

Can you tell I'm a little angry? It just makes me mad, how fucked up these kids are going to be. Especially the gay ones. And I believe that it's impossible that none of them are gay. They are being taught to hate themselves and everyone like them. No small child should have to carry the weight of abortion, or war. They should be out enjoying life. Trying to make the most of the gifts God has given them. Learning to love each other as well as their neighbor, as well as the Muslims down the street and the Jews on the next block. They swear these children to promises they are too young to understand let alone swear to.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I feel better now. Sorry about the venting. I'll say a little prayer for them tonight in hopes they'll come to understanding that a world of love and respect is far better than a world of hate and fear. If nothing else it'll make me feel better.

2007-01-28T00:52:00.000-05:00

I braved the cold today and walked to the movies. The theatre in town only shows three movies and I have already seen two of them so I didn't have a lot of choices. I might add that it only cost $4.00 to see a matinee here. In fact my soda cost the same price as the movie did. As I said I have already seen two of the movies, so my choice today was Epic Movie. Trust me I wasn't expecting a great movie. More than anything I was looking to escape for a couple of hours and get out of the house.

So I bought my ticket and headed to the counter to buy a Diet Pepsi. Yeah, Diet Coke would be better but what's a girl to do. I'm standing in line being annoyed by the group of nine year olds in front of me. I think it must have been there first time out because they certainly didn't know how to act in a public place. They were punching each other, bumping into each other including me, totally ignoring their father's pleas for them to behave. I might add here that if I had ever acted like they were, I would have been put in the car and driven home immediately where I probably would have been in trouble for a week. When the "gang" was finally served I started to step toward the counter but was completely swamped with them stepping on my toes and pushing me out of the way as they continued horsing around. None of this seem to bother the father as he completely ignored them. I had to wait another couple of minutes before I could begin talking to the guy at the counter....who was quite cute I might add. I got my Diet Pepsi and headed into the theatre.

I grabbed my seat and was shocked to realize the average age was about 10. Before the movie even started I knew that it was not the type of movie for such a young age. In fact most 13 year olds wouldn't get the humor and it was inappropriate for them at that. The movie started and of course it was sophomoric humor with lots of tit jokes and sex jokes. Exactly what I was expecting. Not one person in the theatre laughed. At all. During the whole movie. I wanted to laugh out loud a number of times but was embarrassed that such a young audience was watching and that I would be judged by their parents for laughing. In fact the whole movie was pretty much ruined by the audience. As I sit here and write this I can hear everyone saying that I should have just laughed and enjoyed myself, but I just couldn't. I felt like I was watching porn with little kids and that someone was just waiting for me to give credence to the movie so that I could be escorted from the theatre.

I basically sat there the whole time wondering what kind of parent would bring their young children to such a movie. As I said, there weren't a whole lot of choices, but there's always the video store up the street. And I am sure there are hundreds of movies there, that would have been more appropriate.

But then again, maybe that's why I'm not a parent.

2007-01-27T00:17:00.000-05:00

I did a kind of stupid thing this week. Something that explains why I haven't posted much this week. When I got to Iowa, I realized how small my little town is, and that the chances of meeting anyone is going to be impossible. So I posted ads on a couple of websites. Unfortunately, I responded to a couple of the ads from my maddoginthecity email address. I thought nothing about it. One particular person and I had been emailing back and forth when he admitted that he had discovered my blog. Uh. Oh. Looking back on it it was probably not a good idea to use that email address, but I didn't want to use my real one because it consists of my real name. I like being anonymous on here. I like feeling like I can talk about what I want without any real consequences. Now I feel like I can't. I feel as if anything I say might get back to people who now know me. Did I mention this particular guy works at the same college I work at. So now I can't tell you about the people I work with, the students in my class, nor the projects I am working on. When you live in a town of 9,000 people that doesn't leave much else to talk about. So I am in a quandary. Do I just continue to post and not worry about this person? Do I edit my posts for the next 4 months? Do I stop posting until I leave Iowa? What to do, what to do? I wasn't even sure I should talk about this here, but you guys out there have a large collective amount of experience in the blog world. So give me some advice. What should I do?

Of course in the meantime, I won't answer anymore ads with my Maddog address. I'll come up with some anonymous address to use to try and maintain some anonymity until I am ready to tell these people who I am.

2007-01-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

I've seen this on a couple of blogs that I read today, and it's kind of fun. However, I don't know if I should be embarrassed or proud. I owe 925.60. Damn, that's a lot of money. I guess my past is a little more checkered than I remember.

How much money do you owe?

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… ”My Fine Is…”

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

2007-01-23T00:05:00.000-05:00

It's time for my Monday update, althought there is not a lot to report.

Weekly Weight Loss: 0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 22.0 pounds
Excerise: Not a lot. School gym isn't open yet, and it's been too cold to be outside.
Syllabi Completed: 2

Don't know what's up with the weight this week. I have been extremely dilligent in my efforts and yet I didn't lose a single pound. How can that be? I may have to get more desperate in my efforts if something doesn't happen this week.

I'm settling into Iowa and my schedule. Was at school all afternoon. Got my copy code, my email, office keys, etc. Now all I need is students. I get those tomorrow, at 8 a.m. sharp. I'm not exactly sure who thought up my schedule, but theatre classes should NEVER be taught at 8 a.m. Who can be creative when they're not awake yet. In fact, how do they expect me to teach a class when I WON'T be awake yet. It's a real problem. Anyone have any ideas?

Not much else going on. I'll be going to San Diego in February for a memorial service for my friend C.P. The date hasn't been set yet, but I'll keep you guys posted.

2007-01-22T01:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a nice day today. Woke up to snow this morning. Actually started last night but we got several more inches from the time I went to bed and the time I woke up. It was so bright and white. After three years in San Diego it's nice to actually get to experience winter. I haven't minded the cold weather or the snow yet although it's fun to tell people about how cold it is and all the snow we've had. They think I'm miserable but I'm actually having a good time.

Got the syllabi finished today. Well sort of. I have about 30 minutes left on the first one, which will be done before I go to bed tonight. The second one actually went pretty fast. I had a good idea of what I was doing before I started it. I just needed to get it down on paper and figure out the time line, points, and due dates. It actually looks good, and if I have good students I think they'll learn a lot without being too bored. Of course I guess some of that pressures on my shoulders so I'll have to stay ahead as well.

Continuing with the house that I am staying in. The construction of the house is really weird. The walls are about 3/4" thick. They are not framed the way most houses are. In fact I can't figure out how they are framed at all. But if you do any inspecting you can tell they are in fact quite thin.

Another really strange thing about the house is that it has a full basement with a washer and dryer down there. Makes sense right? But in the third bedroom, in the closet, is the hook-up for another washer and dryer. I guess you could have a second set if you wanted? Or if you were too lazy to walk downstairs you could have them upstairs. Don't know what the deal is but I think it's strange.

Also downstairs, in the unheated basement is a pink rumpus room with a built in bar. I don't know how else to describe it but here it is.

And the icing on the cake. When I first toured the house and was shown the basement, there was a toilet sitting in the middle of the floor. It looked as though it were left over from some renovation and had never been disposed of. It's not hidden from view, in a bathroom, or even sitting next to the wall. It's just out in the middle of the floor. And then when I went downstairs to turn up the hot water heater, I discovered that the toilet is functional. Huh? It makes no sense at all. I guess if you were having a party downstairs in the rumpus room, you could just use the toilet downstairs, if you didn't want or need privacy. Or perhaps as my friend
F.M. suggested it was for the kids I kidnap from Missouri and keep prisoner in my basement. I
know that's not funny, but I can't figure it out. Anyone have any ideas?

2007-01-21T01:27:00.000-05:00

Today has been the best day I have had all week. I actually managed to get some work done. I slept late, got up had breakfast, which is new for me, and then watched some T.V. I put my laundry away and then decided to go the movies. In my little Iowan town I only get 3 choices and today's choice was Blood Diamond. It was actually very good and Leonardo DiCaprio was the best I've seen him. Unfortunately, the movie was quite violent and I almost left in the first five minutes because I was not in the mood for it. I stuck it out and it turned out to be quite good.

Here's the best part. I got home from the movies at 6:30 and have been working on my syllabus for the past 6 hours. It's almost finished. I have two empty class days, but I think if I rework a couple of slots I can fill the days with things I already have planned. All in all the class should be quite interesting and I hope will be fun for the students as well as me. Tomorrow I have to get the syllabus done for my other class and then I'll almost be ready to start to work on Tuesday.

I've rented a three bedroom house in my VERY small town in Iowa that continues to be a source of strange and humorous things. First it was supposed to come furnished. However, my idea of furnished and the realtor's idea of furnished are very different. When I got to the house, it had a chair, an end table, a double bed frame with a mildewed mattress and a dresser. I pointed out that the mildewed mattress wouldn't work at all, and they agreed to get me another one. I went off to get things I needed and when I returned I had a kitchen table with three chairs and a twin bed. I haven't slept on a twin bed since college. I don't fit. I've almost fallen out of the bed several times now, as I roll over. I have to be very careful while I am asleep. I have been promised a double bed by the end of next week. Cross your fingers that the realtor thinks it's as important as I do.

I'm witnessing my first snow fall tonight. We've had snow here all week, but it was on the ground when I got here. It started snowing here this evening and it's been snowing all night. There are several different forecast for how much snow we are supposed to get. One guy said 4-6 inches, weather.com says 1-2, and another guy said 5-7. I don't really care, I just think it's cool that it's snowing, although it means I'll shovel snow for the first time tomorrow in 12 years. Sounds like fun to me.

2007-01-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

I have had the worst time focusing today. I have tons of work to do to get ready for my classes and I just can't seem to force myself to sit down and do it. I did get up early today and drive to Des Moines to return my rental car. It's a long story but I had to return the car that brought me to Iowa and pick up a local car that I could return in my VERY small town.

I got home around 1:30 and had a Subway sandwich for lunch. There are actually two locations of Subway here. The towns not big enough for two of anything. I considered taking a nap after the sandwich and thought better of it. I haven't been sleeping well and a nap only makes it worse. So I decided to check and see if there were any websites to meet boys in Iowa. There are a lot if you are looking for sex. And it's not that sex wouldn't be nice, but it's not what I need right now. I did post a couple of ads and a few people answered tonight. Of course they were all in the bigger cities and were looking for sex. We'll see what happens over the next couple of days.

What I really needed to do was start my syllabus. My class starts in 4 days and I haven't even started planning for it. That's not exactly true. I have it all worked out in my head, but I need to put it on paper and plan when I'll do things, in what order and how fast I'll move. It's a lot to do in only a couple of days which means that I have to be seriously focused on Saturday and Sunday.

I am still getting calls about my friend C.P. Many people from San Diego are calling to see how I am doing and how I am dealing with the news. I talked to L.P. tonight, another teacher at school. We had a great conversation and talked a lot about C.P. We talked about the anger we felt over his killing himself, the sadness, and the grief. Toward the end of the conversation we were laughing at some of the things he often did. His funeral is on Sunday (I can't go) but the school is having a memorial service for him on February 4th. I plan to travel west for that. I was saying that it really needs to be a celebration of his life and not a sad affair. We ended the conversation there.

After I hung up the phone I sat in the parking lot of Subway and cried. C.P. died on Monday and the news was passed along on Tuesday. Last night writing my blog entry was the first time I cried. Today was the second. It just comes from nowhere, lasts about 4 or 5 minutes and then passes. I felt silly, sitting there crying but I felt like I needed it. I eventually dried my eyes and went and got my roast beef sandwich.

I came home and have been in a fog ever since. I am going to bed now. Perhaps I'll be able to sleep tonight and will be able to get work done tomorrow.

2007-01-18T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a rather long week for me. I arrived in Iowa on Monday evening around 6:30 to very cold weather and snow. On Tuesday, I picked up the keys to my house, stopped by to see if everything I needed was there and then went to Wal-Mart to pick up all the things you need when you are setting up a new house. Things like trash cans and bags, silverware, dishes, sheets and pillowcases, groceries etc. I brought everything home, cleaned a little and then went out for dinner. My meal consisted of the WORST Thai food I have ever had. All of these things will be discussed later.

As I was paying for my meal, my friend C.D. called from San Diego. It went to voice mail. I went to my car and returned the call. We had about 2 sentences of niceties, and then he said that he had some bad news for me, that I had to keep quiet about until it was announced publicly. At first I thought he was going to say that he and his new wife were splitting up. I was wrong. C.D. proceeded to tell me that my mentor, advisor, and friend C.P. had died on Monday night. Not only that, he had killed himself.

I sat stunned in my car not knowing what to say. I still don't know what to say. It's like a bad dream that I want to wake up from. How could this be. I had just left him a message on Monday night telling him about my new job and asking him to call me back. How could this be, he had classes to teach. And shows to design.

I asked C.D. for details. It appeared there weren't many. C.P. had missed a couple of appointments on Monday, and didn't show up for class on Tuesday. C.D. and T.O. got worried and called the chair of the department. I don't know the exact flow of the events but it ended with the chair and another department person going to C.P.'s apartment where they found him, a note, and his effects in order. They didn't say how he had done it, because as soon as they realized what was going on, they called the police. It's funny how we want the morbid details to satisfy our curiosity.

The emotions I have felt this week have been many. I have been sad, angry, depressed, lonely. It saddens me mostly to think that C.P. thought things were so bad that he had to end it. Didn't he know that he was loved? Didn't he know how much he meant to all of us. Not just as a teacher. But as I have already said. As a friend. As someone we looked up to. Respected.

I have been on the phone non-stop since I got the news. People calling me to see how I am doing. Me calling others to do the same. We are all in shock. The reality is beginning to set in, but it's not a nice feeling. One of the phone conversations I had was with my friend K.E a set designer that took a lighting class C.P.'s lighting class our last year together.. She and I were in the same class at school and she is my closest friend in my graduating class. In all we have spoken about 2.5 hours in the last three days. She said something to me last night that put things in perspective. She pointed out that C.P.'s death was not about me. It was about him. It was his choice. Right or wrong. His choice. For whatever reason, which we'll never know he decided that he could not go one. He felt that his only out was to end it. I'm sorry he felt that way, but it's true. He got to decide for himself.

I feel like it's our job now to celebrate his life. He was a wonderful designer. He had a Tony award to prove it. He was loved by most everyone. They found him funny and quirky. He never lost his British accent even though he had lived in the states for almost 20 years. He had gone from being fat and married to skinny and gay. If you went in to his office in the evening you would probably hear Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy, Me. Or It's Raining Men. Or anything disco. C.P. often worked late and was always around when you needed help on a project. He had a million ways of looking at a design challenge and was great at making you figure out what would work best for your design. He could also be caddy. He once cornered me in my office and said..."I don't know if you know this, but your getting fat." I once told him to get out of my office before someone dropped a house on him. I often called him a bitch. Never in front of other students but we were both gay and had that sort of relationship with each other. He would sit behind me in tech and make me a nervous wreck. Even if things were going well. I assisted him in upstate NYC once and we had to walk a mile back to our lodging at the end of the evening. Every night on our way back he would ask me what I learned that day. He was anxious to make sure I was getting the most out my experience working with him. He would often sneak into my office in the evening and very discretely ask for a gin and tonic. As a teacher he wasn't interested in turning out clones of himself. He recognized that everyone has a different approach to design and he let us embrace our approach and refine it. He was famous for being "cheap" and refused to pay the 300 plus dollars for a faculty parking permit. So, he would come in at the end of his day and ask for a ride to his car which was inevitably parked 10 miles away. And I guess what I loved most about him, was that he fought for me to attend school in San Diego. I originally turned down his offer, for a number of reasons which all seem stupid now, but he called and called and continued to call. He met with me and even had the chair of the department call me to convince me that his program was for me. In the end he was right. I learned so much about myself, my art, and theatre that I would never have learned at another program. He taught me that I was good at what I did and to embrace it. He taught me that it's healthy to fear a project but then you had to meet the challenge head on and beat it. He taught me a lot.

I loved him a lot.

I miss him already.

2007-01-16T01:08:00.000-05:00

It's Monday, so it's time for Maddog's Weekly Something. I still don't have a title for it, and I am too tired to be creative at the moment.

So for this week:

Weeks Weight Loss: 0
Total Weight Loss: 22.5
Exercise: Walked about a mile (I spent the week getting ready to leave)
Miles Driven: 1,700.

I spent the weekend in Lexington, Kentucky with my mom. It was an uneventful trip. We spent some time with relatives on Saturday, which included a trip to IHOP. It's very difficult to find things on the menu at IHOP that are healthy. I settled on an omelet and it was the size of Vermont. It's no wonder all of America is getting fatter by the minute. Saturday afternoon was topped off with a two hour nap. It was absolutely wonderful. It even involved sex with two college boys. And I never dream about sex.

Saturday evening I saw my friend T.C. She and I talked about old times, tried to figure out the meaning of our lives and schemed about ways for me to be in Lexington and make money as a designer. Keep you fingers crossed that something comes through for this summer.

Sunday was a day long trip to Cincinnati. It was coordinated so two of my aunts, along with my mom and my brother would journey to my father's favorite restaurant, The Schoolhouse. The restaurant has the best fried chicken in the world and everything is family style, so the sides keep coming until you are full. And if you are a family of eater's that can mean many refills on the sides. Once again it's no wonder that most of America is the size of a house. I treated everyone to lunch as a Christmas present.

After lunch we journeyed through Cincinnati. There used to be a candle discount/outlet store on Reading Road, but as we discovered yesterday that store along with all the other stores in the shopping center are gone. We also drove by a house I used to live in, which was much smaller than I remembered and the fountain in Eden Park. Then we continued home...in the rain.

The big news is...as of today I am in Iowa. I left Lexington this morning at 7:30. It was still raining (and had been since Friday) and was 67 degrees. My trip took me northwest through Louisville, then Indianapolis, then west to Peoria, then northwest to the Quad Cities (I don't know what they are, but it's assumed everyone knows about them when you are in Iowa) and then west on into Iowa where it's now -2 degrees. I arrived at my hotel at 6:30. It's a dump but it's home for the evening. I get the keys to my house tomorrow morning. I'll take pictures and post them.

Tomorrow, I make a list of all the things I need for my new place and head to the Wal-Mart Superstore just up the street. I hate that I have to shop there, but there are few options here for shopping anywhere else. So it's either Wal-Mart or no blankets, plates, trash cans, laundry detergent etc. I'm sure it won't kill me, but I won't like it. Tomorrow evening I plan to spend several hours starting to plan for my classes. I'll have a week to prepare before my classes start next Tuesday.

That's my week in a glance. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes as I drove through the ice storm. By the time I got to it the worst was over and the roads were cleared. I had prepared myself that if things got too bad I would stop in a hotel where ever I needed to. Luckily that didn't happen. Oh, and by the way I didn't win the lottery on Friday either. So no trips to NYC anytime soon.

2007-01-14T16:47:00.000-05:00

The ark is almost finished. We are gathering the animals now to load them on the boat. With any luck the floods won't come until it's finished. Damn, has it been raining. Non-stop since Friday afternoon. I don't know how much we've gotten but the original forecast called for 4 or 5 inches total. Of course this doesn't even compare to what I get to deal with tomorrow. I head northwest tomorrow morning. Leaving Lexington, heading to Louisville, then to Indianapolis, on toward Peoria, and finally into Iowa. As best I can tell the worst of the weather is occurring today (freezing rain and ice) and the roads should be okay by the middle of the day tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. The last thing I need is to get stranded in the middle of Illinois. I'm staying in a hotel tomorrow night so I'll be able to post more (no more dial-up) and I'll actually be able to find out what all of you have been up to this weekend.

One last bit of information. The temperature here today is 60. Tomorrow in Iowa it'll be around 15. That's a big change. How long do you think it'll take to find an Iowan corn fed boy to keep me warm. Just a thought.

2007-01-13T00:07:00.000-05:00

It's taken me 30 minutes to get to this page on my mom's computer. I HATE dial- up. It's the worst. This is going to be quick because who knows how long the connection will last.

I made it to Kentucky in just over 12 hours. I would have been here faster except for rush hour traffic in Columbus and the ridiculous amounts of rain I drove through from Ohio on. It stopped about 15 minutes before I got to my moms house.

Just for the record, I was up at 5:30 this morning. And got to the rental car place early enough to get Starbucks before Budget opened. It made for a much more tolerable day. Got back home, packed the car, and drove across the Washington Bridge at 8:25. Not too bad if I don't say so myself. It feels good to be here.

Adios.

2007-01-11T23:44:00.000-05:00

It's almost bedtime. I have to be up at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow morning so that I can be at the car rental place by 7:00. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm rarely up that early. But it's only one day so I'll probably be fine. I pick the car up at 7:00 drive back up to my house and load the car. From there I head across the George Washington Bridge and into New Jersey and start my trek to Kentucky. My goal is to be in Lexington by 10 tomorrow night. With any luck there won't be any traffic, bad weather, or anything else to slow me down.

I'll be in Lexington for two days. My mom and I'll will run around on Saturday and see a number of relatives and then will eat dinner out somewhere. After that I'm going to see my friend T.C. She is going to help me work on my teaching philosophy which I need to write to apply for a number of teaching gigs. On Sunday my mom, brother, and two aunts are going to Cincinnati to a restaurant that was my dad's favorite. I haven't been there since he died so it'll be interesting.

That takes me to Monday. On Monday I get up early, say goodbye to my mom and get back on the road heading northwest toward Iowa. My goal is to be there by early evening. It's 600 miles so I figure about 12 hours total, but who knows what the real time will play out as. It's so supposed to be snowing and raining so it may be slow going. I just ask that it not get too bad until I get to Iowa.

I'm staying in a hotel on Monday night. I was worried that I would get to Iowa and realize that I didn't have a bed, or a couch or any of the things that I have been promised or that there would be no heat, water, electricity. So I plan to just chill in my room, catch up on blogs that I won't get to read over the weekend. Post some pictures of my trip and get ready to go to work.

Have a great weekend everyone.

2007-01-11T00:50:00.001-05:00

I've mentioned in the past couple of weeks that I sent an email in support of Sears's advertising campaign to LOGO via the AFA website. The AFA is The American Family Association. They are quite a scary group of people. Their main focus seems to be against homosexuality. I know this because I get emails from them now asking me to sign other petitions, send money, or today, buy a video. I continue to get the emails because I figure it's good to know what the enemy has in store for us, and what they are up to.

Today was especially scary. It was an offer to buy their video It's Not Gay for a steal of only 10 dollars. The email made me curious and so I considered buying it. Perhaps it's not too late for me to be cured of the disease of homosexuality. Of course as I later learned, it meant I'd have to stop sucking dick and I like that too much to seriously give it up so I decided not to buy the video. What I did do though, was find it on the Internet for free. It's terrifying that they are allowed to say the things they say. They quote ridiculous statics, and interview people that probably should not be allowed to do the jobs they are listed as doing, and through it all they make a case against being gay.

At the end of the video they make a case for calling the Portland Fellowship. It's an organization that has been created to help all of us silly queens stop decorating and start drinking beer on Sundays and watching football. I've already ordered my "Girls Gone Wild" Video for when the transformation has taken place.

As a public service I've posted the It's Not Gay video on my blog. Take a look at it. It's about 35 minutes long but you only have to watch about 15 minutes to get the overall opinion they are offering. On the AFA website it says this video is perfect for Sunday school classes and teens, to warn them of the effects of homosexuality. I truly fear the damage these people are doing to the minds of young people across the world. All in the name of Jesus Christ. Perhaps tonight I'll say a little prayer that they stop the harm they are doing. I have a friend who says it's important to pray for your enemies and if these people aren't my enemies I don't know who is.

""

2007-01-10T00:10:00.000-05:00

Nothing like promising to fly people to NYC to get them to comment on my blog. I'll have to make promises more often. Ten comments is an all time record for me. Unfortunately for those who've already packed for their visit, I didn't win. On five plays I only guessed two numbers correctly. I guess I'll have to try again later in the week.

I had a very long day today. I was up and out of the house by 8:45. For me that's no small feat. In fact, I got up early enough to have coffee and watch the news before I left home. From here I rode the train an hour to my sponsor's house to go over my plan of attack while I am away from home. We spent almost three hours talking. I don't know how much you guys know about 12 step recovery but spending three hours on your spiritual well being is a luxury everyone should have several times a week. It set the tone for the rest of the day which was equally wonderful.

I had lunch with W.C., my sponsor, and then headed back home. When I got here, I started working on my desk. I have lived in my apartment for 3 months and today is the first day I have sat at my desk to use my computer. I have been sitting at the coffee table, situated between tchotchkes. Because of how I sit, my left leg eventually goes to sleep making it impossible to stand when I've finished reading the blogs I read. But not tonight. Tonight I have a desk. I'll get to use it three nights before I shove off for the Midwest.

The other magical thing that happened today is that all of my DVD's miraculously alphabetized themselves. Actually I did it. My roommate has been giving me grief about it since I moved in. It was impossible to find anything because they were a mess. So today I spent almost two hours getting the DVD's in order. It's great to finally have it done. What it also does, is make me realize that I have duplicates of seven movies. Whoops.

I ended my day by having dinner with my friend M.L. We ate at a restaurant called The Place. I have walked by it a million times but never eaten there. The food was good, but the portions were tiny. I joked as we finished our main courses..."What are we having for dinner?" It was also rather expensive for what we got and the atmosphere. Over 100 bucks and there was no alcohol involved. Hmm. There are several other restaurants in the area that are much better that cost less. That being said, the company was delightful. M.L. is one of my favorite people in the world. He knows pretty much everything there is to know about me, and still he likes me. He's also helped me out of a couple of binds I have gotten myself into over the years, both financially and professionally. He's super and I am going to miss him while I am out of the city.

Hope everyone had a great Tuesday. See you tomorrow.

P.S. My friend T.M. knows that I have a blog, since I sort of mentioned it tonight in a phone call. Whoops. The question now is...Do I give him the link? He's a great friend, and knows most of my secrets. He's also not someone I talk about in an unpleasant manner. But then there's the fact that no one I know knows about the blog. My question to you guys--Do I tell him? Do I keep it a secret? What would you do?

2007-01-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first "real" Monday of the new year. Many people dedicate their blogs to certain things on certain days. There's "Tap That Thursday" here, and Eye Candy Monday here, Sesame Street here, and Sunday Snippets here. My Mondays are going to be dedicated to checking in. I'll let you know how much weight I've lost in the last week, my total loss, and just how I am doing. It's just a way to track my progress and be accountable so here goes...

Weight Loss This Week: 4 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 22.5 pounds
Miles Walked: 10 miles (I try and do 2 miles a day)

Overall it was a good week. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Things there are status quo. The only real catch is that he thinks some of the weight gain might be because one of my drugs is known for slowing the metabolism. He's a little hesitant to do anything about it because I'm leaving for Iowa and emotionally the drugs seem to be doing what they are supposed to. I'll check in with him when I return from Iowa on Spring Break to see how my weight loss is going and how I'm dealing with being away from NYC.

Went to 5.5 meetings this week in my 12-step group. Things there are going well. Someday I'll be brave enough to talk about that here.

I leave for Iowa on Friday. I'm a little nervous, but that's to be expected. Called today to get electric, cable, etc. turned on and in my name. I'll be a couple of days without the Internet but I'll warn you before that happens.

I found someone to sublet my apartment for the part of the time I'm gone, so I'll save about 2,500 dollars while I am away.

Signed and returned my lease on the house I am renting today along with contracts from Tulsa (did I mention I'm doing three shows there next summer) and my design contract for school. Still waiting on my teaching contract and the money for moving.

I played the lottery today. I only do it when the jackpot is huge. It's 122 million for tomorrow night. If I win I'll fly all of you to NYC to visit me for a week in the spring. Well at least the ones who comment on today's post.

That's it for my first check-in Monday. I need a snappy title for these posts. Any ideas?

2007-01-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

The Christmas tree is finally gone. Taking it down is my least favorite part of the holidays. In all honesty it should have been taken down more than a week ago, but we left it up since we were having guests. Today was also the only time C.Z. and I could coordinate our schedules to be home for more than an hour or two together. We started about 12:30 and by 4:30 everything was packed away, the floors had been swept and re-swept, the furniture cleaned (the needles were everywhere) and our new rug for the living room was in place. We were done. It was actually sad coming home tonight and not seeing the tree in the window. I guess I'll have to get used to it for a while.

Actually I won't. I mentioned in yesterday's post that I was going to Iowa. I think I may have mentioned this about a month ago, but I know I really didn't discuss it much. So for the record, I have been hired to teach at a school in Iowa. I'll be teaching two classes in my field. The job kind of fell into my lap so I didn't really feel like I could turn it down. I also didn't have any other amazing offers so I accepted it. It'll require me to be out of town till May. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've rented a three bedroom house for a couple of bucks, about 2 blocks from campus. I won't need a car there, and it'll force me to continue to get exercise. I'm subletting my apartment to my friend J.T. who was just here to visit. So everything is falling into place.

So this Friday, I put all of my things, at least the things I'm taking, into a rental car and I drive to Kentucky. I'm spending the weekend with my mom. We are just going to hang out, visit relatives and on Sunday drive to Cincinnati to eat at my dad's favorite restaurant. I have not been there since he died so it'll be sort of weird being there without him. Then on Monday morning bright and early, I head northwest to Iowa. It should take about 12 hours according to Mapquest. I'm probably going to stay in hotel for the first night, so that I am not stressing out about what I need and what I should have brought with me.

On Tuesday I get down to business. I haven't made one plan yet for the classes I am going to be teaching. I'll have my work cut out for me, but it should be doable. Classes start the week of the 22nd. Then before you know it, it'll be May and I'll be writing about packing up and heading back to NYC.

I'll keep all of you posted on my adventures in the Midwest.

2007-01-07T02:03:00.000-05:00

I had a great day today. My fraternity little sister A.O. formerly A.M. was surprised this weekend with a trip to NYC by her husband in honor of her 40th birthday. She called me yesterday from LaGuardia baggage claim to tell me the news. More important than all of the sightseeing they had planned was to see me. We had not seen each other since May 2003 at my father's funeral. A lot had changed since then. She had two more kids for a total of three. I had gone off to San Diego, gone to school and since relocated back to NYC. Because of our schedules we aren't that good at staying in touch with each other so we had a lot of catching up to do.

We met up at a Thai restaurant in Hell's Kitchen that was in her tour book. It supposedly was voted one the best in NYC. I'm no Thai expert but it left a little to be desired. But that's another post. We met at 1:00 and never stopped talking the whole time we were together. We caught her husband up on our past, mutual friends we'd made since college, etc. Then we chatted about her job, my job. My moving to Iowa. (Have I mentioned I am moving to Iowa for 5 months?) We discussed NYC, the shows she seen on tour, the shows I've seen in the city, the shows I've worked on. We were still talking when her husband announced it was time to go(Have I mentioned that I don't like her husband? He's a stick in the mud and I don't see what she sees in him. But at least he's not a crack-head, like her last one). I walked with them to Rockefeller Center and then we said our good-byes. Knowing that it might be a while before we saw each other but that we were there if the other needed it.

Today was a nice reminder of how old friends are. When you get together it's as if no time has passed and you pick up right where you left off. I have a number of friends like this, with the number getting greater all the time. If you really had things in common in the beginning it's my belief you'll still have things in common. It's the reality of close friends. Of course people grow apart but I believe that's a different thing all together. There are very few people that I have spent time getting close to and call close friends that I still don't enjoy spending time with. I hope this continues to be true.

2007-01-06T01:27:00.000-05:00

It's official. This weekend palm trees are being planted in Central Park. The public beaches are being opened. The city pools should be ready for use by the end of the week. The tropical resorts will be built and open in just a few years. Of course if Hollywood's right about all this, most of lower Manhattan will be under water in just a few short months. All of this the effects of global warming and the insanely warm temperatures.

Tomorrow the temperature in NYC is supposed to be 70. The previous high was 63 so we'll be setting records. All of this in a winter that has yet to yield any cold weather. In fact we have only had three days that would even remotely seem like winter. We have yet to have any snow and in NYC usually up to two inches of snow has fallen by the end of December.

I'm starting to wonder why I left San Diego. The weather here will be warmer tomorrow than it will be out there. As of right now it's 59 degrees here and only 50 degrees in San Diego. One of the big reasons I wanted to move back to the east coast was to experience seasons again. I'm still waiting. So far it's been summer and fall. And it's been fall since October. Can someone please wake me when winter gets here? I have a brand new winter coat, hat, and gloves waiting to be used.

2007-01-02T23:35:00.000-05:00

On the wall of the subway at 23rd Street and Eighth Avenue there is a poster for the movie Happily N'Ever After. The ad's tag line says...

"One Evil Queen Can Ruin Your Whole Day"

Beneath it is scrawled...

"Welcome to Chelsea."

What's even funnier is that there are no records of this advertisement on line. All the posters on line say...

"Happy Endings Aren't What They Used To Be"

It's clear the advertisers know who their target audience is at 23rd and Eighth.

2007-01-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

For the past week or so I thought I would start the year by posting some insightful thoughts and words to inspire me for the year. I have thought and thought as to what I might say and still I am searching for an idea. So far, nothing.

Today is January 1, 2007. The first day of the new year. It's a time for reflection of what has past and a time to look ahead at the coming year. On CNN this past week a poll stated that most Americans thought 2006 was not a favorable year. At first I agreed and then realized in fact 2006 was a fine year. Many wonderful things happened to me this year.

1. I graduated from a reputable program with my MFA in theatrical design.
2. I moved cross country to start pursuing my career.
3. I moved into a wonderful apartment in NYC, with the best roommate I have ever had.
4. I drove cross-country on a trip that once again let me see the vast expanse of the land we call home.
5. I was hired to teach at a school for the spring semester in the Midwest where I'll be relocating in 11 days.
6. I have money in the bank.
7. I have a family who loves me even though I don't always appreciate them.
8. I have wonderful friends who would give me the shirt off their backs if they thought I needed it.
9. I discovered the world of blogging and have made many Internet acquaintances.
10. I lost 21 pounds in the last two months of the year.
11. I worked on the regional theatre production of a show that should be on Broadway in less than a year.
12. Artistically, I did some wonderful work with a number of brilliant theatre artists.
13. Something I haven't mentioned in the blog yet because I worry of judgement, but I re-started a 12-step recovery program and it's going quite well. (It's not for alcohol, for those of you who know I drink every once in a while. While I am at it, it's not for food, either.)
14. I visited Maine for the first time this year and loved the beauty of it.
15. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in five years.
16. My health has been near perfect except for a little depression that I have always dealt with.
17. I've opened my NYC home up for all my friends to visit and a number of them have taken me up on the offer.
18. I learned that it's okay to take care of yourself even if it means hurting some one's feelings.
19. I learned that Life is good.
20. I learned that I am loved.

Not a bad list for five minutes.

As for my resolutions I only have two, but they are related.

1. I want to lose a total of 100 pounds by January 1, 2008. I have lost 21 pounds so far, so I am well on my way. I want to do it slowly, and carefully so that it doesn't effect my health. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
2. I want to be able to run 5 miles again by the end of the year. Three and a half years ago I ran 5 miles almost every day. It was healthy for both my body and my mind. Especially my mind. I solved all my problems as I ran, argued with people, sorted things out, and got them in line. I stopped running for a number of reasons which I'll post about later this week. But running again is my wish.

Wish me luck as I start this journey.

I hope everyone had a wonderful first day of the year.

Try to enjoy them all.

2006-12-31T03:26:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!!!

May everyone find the
peace, love and happiness
they deserve.

2006-12-31T01:09:00.000-05:00

I was such a slug today. I slept through three phone calls and finally rolled out of bed around 12:30. At which point I moved my lazy butt to the sofa where I slept until 3:30, sleeping through several more phone calls. I got up at 3:30 to pee, thinking I would move back to bed and take a nap, when I finally checked my messages. One was from my friend W.C. reminding me that we had plans at 4:30. Whoops. I called him back, left a message that I would be there and took the fastest shower ever. By 3:45 I was on the subway headed downtown. I got to our arranged meeting spot at 4:27. Not bad if you ask me.

At around 7:30 I stopped by the Gay and Lesbian Center because I had to go to the bathroom and it's the one place in the Village you can go without "being a customer." While I was there I saw A.L. If you remember he's the one who drove cross country with me and then stopped speaking to me after I wouldn't date him. I don't know what got into me, perhaps it was the holidays, or I was in a good mood, or whatever, but I approached him put my arm around him and told him that at some point I would really like to talk about what happened and what's going on. You would have thought I touched him with anthrax. He jumped, pushed my arms away and then screamed at me. "I don't want to talk to you, there's nothing to say. I never want to talk to you again!," and then ran out of the Center.

I was taken aback and pissed off to say the least. I didn't even know what to say. Luckily my friend W.C. witnessed the whole thing and we chatted about it for a moment. It's only my opinion but A.L. has completely blown this "thing" out of proportion. We never dated, have never been on a date, and never even came close to it. I know I was firm when I finally told him no, but he forced me into that position. He acts as if we were in a 10 year relationship and just found out the whole thing was a fraud and that I had been cheating on him the whole time. After I calmed down, I realized it was not anger I felt for him, but pity. It's sad that a 55 year old man would attach himself to someone unattainable and then hold them responsible for it. It's also sad that he's living his life in such a place of resentment and anger. It's not a good place to be. In fact on the way home tonight, it made me realize that I needed to take a look at the anger I feel toward D.L.C. and maybe find some closure in that.

That's it for tonight. Except that C.Z. my roommate and I think we have two baby snails growing on the outside of our bath tub. They are too small to tell but they kind of look like they might be. We don't know if we should let them grow or get rid of them.

2006-12-30T01:36:00.000-05:00

I got a new cell phone today. Actually I got it yesterday and charged it but finally activated it tonight. My old phone had a crack in the screen and I was afraid it was going to die. Luckily it was time to renew my contract so I got the new phone for free.

I got home tonight to exclamations of joy from my roommate. Seems Santa came to visit today. Or at least all the things he ordered from the Internet using gift cards from Christmas came today. He got a new bathrobe from L.L. Bean, a new cell phone from Verizon, and the special prize...a new Ipod. He's been in and out of his room all night putting Cd's into his computer to download the music on to his Ipod.

As he was showing me his new phone I realized we had bought the same one. I joked that eventually he'll take my phone to work with him and I'll take his phone to work with me. I actually think I am going to go by a case tomorrow so that I don't break this screen in the first week. So C.Z. with his phone and me with my phone spent about 2 hours in the living room checking out new ring tones for our friends. He's never had special ring tones and I've had a few but thought with the occasion of the phone I should find some more.

Here are 5 of the ring tones I have chosen for 5 of my friends.

1. M.L. Theme from Greatest American Hero
2. T.M. 1812 Overture
3. A.N. Stand By Your Man
4. W.C. The Internet is for Porn
5. Mom. Back Where I Come From

What ring tones do you have on your phone for your friends?

2006-12-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

There was a snail in my shower tonight. My roommate nor I had noticed it today when we showered. It was about 2 feet up the wall of the shower, which I have to assume took a while. We don't say moving at a snail's pace for nothing. It was just bizarre. My roommate actually thought I was trying to play a practical joke, but I assured him I wasn't. He was gracious enough to pull it off the wall. I then took it outside, hoping that it would live. Here's a couple of pictures.

Well I thought I would post some pictures but Blogger's being a shit again. Does anyone know why I would be unable to post pictures to my account?

2006-12-28T02:17:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, Daniel wrote a post in defense of Sear's decision to advertise on Logo, the gay channel. Part of the post was a request to go to the American Family Association website and instead of doing as they asked write positive letter to Sears. I thought it was the least that I could do, and so I did it. When I hit the send button to forward the email, I was asked for basic contact information. Things like my name, city, and email address. I gave them the information and my email was sent.

I knew a few moments later that I had been registered to receive email notifications from AFA, but I didn't think much about it. Today I got my first email. It's a thank you email for supporting their boycott against Ford for supporting the gay agenda. Here's the body of the email.

December 27, 2006

Please help us get this information into the hands of as many people as possible by forwarding it to your entire email list of family and friends.

New: Update on Ford Boycott

Loses sales ... begins supporting another homosexual magazine ... refuses to stay neutral ... sponsors 'Two and a Half Men' ... urges support of homosexual marriage, stem cell research, and abortion

Dear Maddog,

The boycott of Ford Motor Company is beginning to take effect. In November, Ford sales were down 9.7%. General Motors showed a 6.1% increase during the same month while Chrysler sales were up 4.7%. In seven of the nine months since AFA began the boycott, because of the motor company's support for the homosexual agenda - including homosexual marriage, Ford's sales have gone down compared to a year ago.

Ford has long supported the homosexual magazine, The Advocate. Now, Ford has expanded their promotion of homosexual publications by supporting the homosexual publication Out through advertising.

Wal-Mart recently announced they would no longer support or oppose controversial issues. Ford originally made a similar pledge to AFA but reneged when a small group of homosexual leaders demanded retraction, despite the fact that not a single homosexual group has publicly supported Ford.

Ford was a sponsor of a recent episode of CBS's program "Two and a Half Men" in which actor Charlie Sheen's character mocked Christ, Christmas and Christians by singing a sordid sex song to the tune of "Joy To The World."

During the recent elections, Ford pointed their employees to a radical left wing online voter guide for information on how to vote. The website that contained the guide urged votes against constitutional amendments banning homosexual marriage, for stem cell research in Missouri and against an amendment banning abortion in South Dakota.

Take Action

1. If you have not already done so, click here to sign the Boycott Ford Pledge. More than 625,000 have already signed the pledge. For a history of the boycott, visit www.BoycottFord.com.

2. Click here to send an email to new Ford CEO Alan R. Mulally letting him know you are participating in the boycott.

3. Forward this email to your friends and family who may not be aware of Ford's support for the homosexual agenda.

4. Click here to print and distribute the Boycott Ford Petition.

If you think our efforts are worthy, would you please support us with a small gift? Thank you for caring enough to get involved.

Sincerely,

Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!

I am doing as they ask. I am forwarding this to as many people as I can through my blog. You know what to do. Go to the AFA's website and send Ford a message praising them for the courage to support the "gay agenda." Then provide the information requested so that you can be kept up-to-date as to what's being done against us.

If they only knew.

2006-12-25T01:42:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas from NYC. I hope that everyone has the most wonderul holiday ever.

I had a beautiful Christmas photo to accompany my post, but Blogger is being difficult.

Have a great day all the same.

2006-12-24T01:14:00.000-05:00

Because stealing at Christmas is so much fun, I helped myself to a meme over at Spo-Reflections who had stolen it earlier in the day. I promise to return it when I am finished.

1. What do you hate most about Christmas? The tourists in NYC. There are about 50 million more people in the city right now than normal. In two weeks the place will be a ghost town.

2. What is your least favorite piece of Christmas music?
Here we come a Wassailing....what the fuck is wassailing? Does anyone know?

3. Your least favorite Christmas decoration?
The Christmas balls that are plastic covered in colored thread. I HATE them. Buy glass balls. The don't cost any more and I like them better. And it is all about me, isn't it?

4. Your least favorite Christmas treat?
I HATE egg-nog. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Bourbon Balls on the other hand....Yum! Yum! Yum!

5. What traditional Christmas food OTHER THAN FRUITCAKE (too easy) is best sent down the garbage disposal?
My mother's jam cake. Everyone loves it, but I have always hated it. I like the caramel icing but hate the cake.

6. Which animated Christmas TV special leaves you wanting to rip the wallpaper off of the walls?
Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. I never liked any of the Magoo cartoons, especially the Christmas Carol.

7. What was you least favorite Christmas gift ever?
My brother gave me two LARGE screwdrivers one year. And that was all. I did a double take and said thank you. I don't know what he was thinking. I still have them, but they are too big to use for anything.

8. What is your least favorite Christmas activity?
Undecorating. I love putting up the tree. I HATE taking it down. I'm really hoping that my roommate will lead the charge in doing this.

9. Who on your Christmas gift list is the hardest to shop for?
My mother. When we were children she would say she wanted, "just for you kids to be good."
As an adult, "just for you to come home." I can't wrap that up and put it under the tree, which leaves me guessing and I never know what to get her.

10. How would you spend this time of year if you were not caught up in all of the holiday madness?
This year to save money I decided to not go home. It was going to cost almost 800 bucks for a ticket in to Lexington and if I go two weeks later it's half that. So I am going two weeks later. So this year, I am going to order Chinese delivery and curl up on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel all day. The have terribly sappy movies that you hate to admit you like. And if I get really lonely I might venture out to see a movie. But probably not. I can hardly wait.

2006-12-22T22:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight while channel surfing I happened upon Scrooge, the musical of A Christmas Carol starring Albert Finney. It's been forever since I had thought about that show. At one time it was near and dear to my heart. In 1984 and 1985 I played the Ghost of Christmas Present in a stage version of Scrooge. It was a great part. I was only on stage for about 15 minutes but it was fun. My costume, just like in the movie, was a big green dress. I looked awesome. I also got to sing the song "I Like Life", which has a wonderful message. It's all about appreciating life. I don't have video of me singing this song but I did find the video from the movie. Enjoy.

2006-12-22T02:46:00.000-05:00

This is my all time favorite Christmas recording. I still feel warm and fuzzy when I hear it.

2006-12-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight is night 6 of Hanukkah. It has made me think of some interesting stories from my past.

Many years ago I arrived home for Christmas. We did the normal family activities including opening gifts on Christmas morning. As my brother began handing out the packages I noticed a number of them were wrapped in blue paper. As my pile began to grow, I noticed the blue paper was Hanukkah paper, so I gently asked my mom about it. She said that she had gotten it on sale at the Dollar Store and thought it was pretty. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't Christmas paper.

I'm not sure she would have known what Hanukkah is. I grew up in Kentucky and didn't meet my first Jewish person until I moved to Atlanta in 1987. It's not that there was prejudice against Jews, or people didn't like them, it's just there weren't any, at least not in my school.

In 1987 while living in Atlanta I worked as a waiter at Bennigan's Restaurant at Lenox Mall. It was my first time waiting tables and it was the beginning of my coming out of the closet. That Christmas my new friend S.W. (we are friends to this day) hosted a Jewish Christmas party. I was confused. I was educated enough to know that Jews don't celebrate Christmas so I wasn't sure what the deal was. I finally cornered S.W. to ask her. It turns out her roommate celebrated Christmas and although S.W. was Jewish she had always had a Christmas tree. It was a long story but she explained the reasons.

I said thank you and then kissed her since we were standing under the mistletoe. I came out of the closet the next day. But S.W. was the beginning of many wonderful Jewish people that I have met. Of course she's the only one who celebrates Christmas.

2006-12-20T02:54:00.000-05:00

I'm very tipsy. I met up with my friend T.O. and his ex-girlfriend D. I have been drinking for about 4 hours and have had one too many Maker's Mark and Diet Cokes. So I thought I would use the excuse of being drunk as a reason to get away from Christmas and steal the sex meme from Larry.

Here goes....

Can you count all the sexual partners you've ever had on two hands? When I was 18 I couldn't count all my sex partners. I have had my slutty phase but it's something I am working on even as we speak.
When did you have your first sexual experience? I was 16.
Do you like boys or girls? Boys.
Have you ever had a threesome? Yes, but why limit yourself to just three.
How old were you when you first touched yourself? I was about 10 or 11. But I wasn't able to achieve an orgasm until about 12.
Have you ever dreamed about having sex with a teacher? Yes. But I think it was because by the time I dreamt it I had already had sex with him.
Have you ever dreamed about having sex with an animal? I can honestly say, no.
Do you like toys in bed? Depends on the toy.
Do you like to be spanked? It's happened but I don't like it. Wouldn't happen again.
Does size matter? I'm not ashamed to say I like big dicks but I wouldn't not go out with someone, date them, or fall in love with them based on the their size.
Who was your first crush? Doug Herald. Every girl in my school had a crush on him and I have to admit I loved him too.
Do you enjoy oral sex? It's my favorite.
Have you ever had anal sex? Yes.
Did you enjoy the experience? Yes.
Do you shave your private area? Not currently, but I have.
Do you have wet dreams often? I've had one wet dream in my life and it was on Thanksgiving afternoon and I was asleep in my aunt's bed. Damn was I embarrassed.
Have you ever been tied up while having sex? Yes, but I didn't like it.
Have you ever tied someone up while having sex? Yes, I liked that more, but not enough to seek it out.
Do you believe bisexuality is real? I'm quite sure it exists.
If you could sleep with a celebrity legitimately, who would it be? The problem I have is I know most of the celebrities that I am attracted to smoke and it's the deal breaker for me. But if they could give up smoking for a day or two....Jake Gyllenhaal, Mike Piazza, and there will always be a fondness for Brad Pitt even though he cheated on Jennifer.

Now that I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. I am going to bed.

2006-12-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

My roommate and I have used the Christmas music channel on our cable to entertain ourselves over the past couple of weeks. While we listen the channel provides useless Christmas trivia, so I thought that was a good idea for a post. Useless Christmas trivia. So here you go.

The story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was inspired by the tale of "The Ugly Duckling."
In Russia, Santa is known as Ded Moroz (Grandfather Frost).
The first President to decorate an official White House Christmas tree was Franklin Pierce.
Mexicans call the poinsettia "Flower of the Holy Night."
"Twas a Night Before Christmas," written by Clement Moore in 1823, was originally known as "A Visit From St. Nicholas."
Jesus wasn't born on December 25, and estimates of the year of Christ's birth range from about 14 years B.C. to as late as 23 A.D.
More than three billion Christmas cards are sent each year in the United States.
Super Bowl Sunday ranks as the third-largest occasion, behind Christmas and Thanksgiving, for Americans to consume food, according to the NFL.
One in three American men say they wait until Christmas Eve to finish their holiday shopping.
In America, children put stockings out at Christmas time. The Dutch use shoes.
"Rudolph" was created by copywriter Robert L. May as part of a holiday promotion for Montgomery Ward in 1939. Rudolph's story was inspired, at least in part, by the story "The Ugly Duckling." Other names considered for Rudolph were Rollo and Reginald.
The first charity Christmas card was produced by UNICEF in 1949.
The Bible doesn't say Mary and Joseph made their trip to Bethlehem on a donkey.
The name of the horse in the timeless holiday song "Jingle Bells" is Bobtail. Hence the line "bells on Bobtail ring, making spirits bright."
Mistletoe got its start as a holiday tradition because of its association with Frigga, the Scandinavian goddess of love.
To Christians, holly berries symbolize Christ's blood and the pointed holly leaves represent the thorns in his crown.
Poinsettias are the most popular Christmas plant and are the number one flowering potted plant in the United States.
The practice of putting a lump of coal in the stockings of naughty children originated in Italy.
In the Bible, it doesn't say there were three Wise Men.
The reindeer's name is Donder, not Donner.
It takes an average of seven years to grow a Christmas tree of average retail sale height (six feet).
Fifty-six percent of Americans say they sing Christmas carols to their pets.
In the 1966 "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" TV special, the person singing the theme song is Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of Tony the Tiger of Kellogg's fame.
The top three Christmas trees in terms of sales are Balsam fir, Douglas fir and Fraser fir.
Experts agree that Twisted Billboards is the best Christmas stocking-stuffer ever. And we're not just saying that because we wrote it.
If you received all the gifts in the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you'd get 364 presents.
The first American Christmas carol was written in 1649 by a minister named John de Brebeur. The song was "Jesus is Born."
Frosty's last words were, "Merry Christmas to all, to all a good night!"
Due to the way time zones work, Santa actually has 31 hours to deliver his gifts.
In Italy, it isn't Santa who delivers gifts to children, it's a kindly witch called La Befana.
Despite what many people believe, poinsettia plants aren't poisonous to humans.
In 1836, Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday.
The song lyric is "God rest ye merry, gentlemen," not "God rest ye, merry gentlemen."
Christmas pudding originates from an old Celtic dish called frumenty.
In Greek legend, creatures called Kallikantzaroi play troublesome pranks at Christmas time. To get rid of them, the legend holds that one should burn either an old shoe or salt.
Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the company was founded.
About 31% of all diamond purchases are made during the Christmas season.
Most artificial Christmas trees are manufactured in Korea, Taiwan or Hong Kong.
For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted to replace it.
Despite what many think, the day after Thanksgiving, called "Black Friday," isn't the busiest shopping day of the year. The Friday and Saturday before Christmas are the two busiest shopping days of the year.
In France, Christmas is called "Noel." Noel comes from the French phrase "les bonnes nouvelles," meaning "the good news."
The string on Animal Crackers boxes were designed so the boxes could be hung on a Christmas trees.
In Hawaii, Santa is called Kanakaloka.
The biggest-selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby's, "White Christmas."
Before he picked the name Tiny Tim for "A Christmas Carol," Charles Dickens also considered using Little Larry, Puny Pete and Small Sam.
Oregon is the leading producer of Christmas trees.
Candy canes began as straight white sticks of sugar candy used to decorated the Christmas trees. A choirmaster at Cologne Cathedral had the idea to bend the ends to resemble a shepherd's crook. The treats were passed out during services to keep the children quiet. Candy canes got their red stripes much later.
Christmas Island, in the Indian Ocean, was formerly called Kiritimati.
There are towns named Santa Claus in Arizona and Indiana, one named Noel in Missouri, and towns named Christmas in Arizona and Florida.
Fifty-three percent of Americans claim they'll "re-gift" this Christmas.
On average, about 2,000 Christmas trees are planted per acre.
At one point, tinsel was banned by the government because it contained lead. Now it's made of plastic.
Christmas comes from Old English, "Cristes maesse" or "Mass of Christ."
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.
"White Christmas," released in 1954, starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, was the first movie to be made in Vista Vision.
The holiday classic, "It's A Wonderful Life," was originally a box office flop.
The real Santa Claus was born in 280 A.D. as Nicholas. He commonly wore a red and white Bishop's robe.
"Xmas" is considered by some to be a disrespectful abbreviation. But the Old English word for Christmas begins with X. The Greek word for "Christ," from which the English is derived, begins with the Greek letter chi, or X. So, X is an appropriate abbreviation for Christ.
The first electric Christmas tree lights were telephone switchboard lights.
About 400,000 people get sick each year from consuming tainted Christmas leftovers.
In 1907, Oklahoma became the last U.S. state to make Christmas a legal holiday.
America's official national Christmas tree grows in California's King's Canyon National Park. The tree is a giant sequoia standing more than 300 feet high, and it's called the "General Grant Tree."
Christmas trees are edible. Many parts of pines, spruces and firs can be eaten.
According to the laws of the time, Joseph could have had Mary stoned to death for becoming pregnant.
"Hot Cockles" was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. In the game, players took turns striking a blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow.
Toys for Tots held its first toy drive in 1947.
Boris Karloff was the voice of the Grinch in the animated classic, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
During the Christmas shopping season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the US
According to a recent survey, seven out of 10 dogs in Great Britain get Christmas gifts from their owners.
"Wassail" comes from the Old Norse term, "ves heill," meaning "to be of good health." This evolved into the popular holiday tradition of visiting neighbors on Christmas Eve and drinking to their health.
The average American household will send out 28 Christmas cards each year, and will receive the same number in return.
Boxing Day, celebrated in Canada, has nothing to do with fighting. It refers to the custom of giving gift boxes to employees the day after Christmas. Originally, it was the day Christmas presents were given in England.
Jesus Christ was born in a cave, not in a stable.
The first Christmas card was made in England on December 9, 1842.
The ancient Druids believed the sparks from a burning log carried wishes for a prosperous New Year to the gods, hence the tradition of yule logs.
According to the National Christmas Tree Association, Americans buy 37.1 million real Christmas trees each year.
Charles Dickens wrote several Christmas stories after "A Christmas Carol," one each year, in fact, but none could match the success of the original.
The Julbock is a common Christmas decoration in Sweden. It's a small figurine of a goat made from straw.
In Sweden, the "tomte" is a Christmas gnome.
According to "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," the Grinch was so mean because his heart was two sizes too small.
There are about 5,000 "choose and cut" Christmas tree farms in the U.S.
St. Nicholas is the patron saint of children, scholars, merchants, sailors and women without dowries.

2006-12-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I got up early, I was productive, I got my entire list of things accomplished, had my friends M.G. and S.H. over for dinner, cleaned up and am now blogging. Damn near perfect if you ask me.

I got up early to start dinner. I don't know if I have mentioned it before but I don't cook. I don't know how, I don't enjoy it, therefore I don't do it. So inviting anyone over for dinner is a bit daunting. My usual fix is to just order in. Chinese, Pizza, the diner up the street. But I wanted tonight to be different. There are only a couple of things that I think I cook well and one of them is Spaghetti Pie. I have to confess it's made in a crock pot. I can hear all of you "real" cooks, and queens sticking your noses in the air, but hey don't knock it if you haven't tried it. When finished it's somewhat like lasagna made with spaghetti and cooked in a crock pot instead of the oven.

I have to admit that I was somewhat nervous. For dinner it was going to be S.H., M.G., and C.Z. my roommate. All three full-blooded Italians. In fact C.Z.'s grandparents didn't move hear until they were teens. All four of them. As a side note all four of his grandparents were from the same village in Italy and knew each other as children. They met here, married here, etc. etc. So my pretend Italian had to be more than a little good.

The catch to cooking in a crock pot is the dish cooks all day, so I had to have it started by 11:00 to have dinner ready by 6:00. Everything was going fine until I realized I didn't have any eggs. I threw on shoes and ran across the street to the Pioneer Grocery store to get them. While I was there I also got the produce for the salad. I had meant to get to a store downtown for the produce yesterday but it didn't happen. The store across the street is scary. No one speaks English and the products they sell are questionable to say the least. I have seen customers picking through rotten vegetables to try and find anything usable. I got lucky today. Everything seemed okay. And in a flash I was back finishing up the recipe.

Once my "pie" was cooking. I decided it was nap time. C.Z. had left about an hour earlier and I was on my own. I turned on the TV. Discovered My Fair Lady was on, got comfortable and woke up as the movie was almost over. I should point out that it was well past the half way mark when I started so that you don't think I took a three hour nap. I got up and realized that I should get flowers for the table for dinner. Every corner in midtown and lower Manhattan has a deli with flowers but not in Washington Heights. If I wanted flowers I had to go downtown so I showered and headed downtown.

As I walked to the subway I realized that the day was beautiful and thought that I should incorporate a walk into my day. I haven't mentioned my weight in a while but for the past 7 weeks I have been trying to walk at least two miles a day, and have subsequently lost 19 pounds as of today. My usual walk is from 59th Street/Columbus Circle to 14th Street/Eighth Avenue. It's exactly two miles according to Mapquest, and it puts me in Chelsea/The Village to meet up with friends etc. So today as per my routine I got off the train at 59th Street and started walking south. I was making lists in my head as I walked. Do this, get that, don't forget this before my guests arrived, etc. It suddenly popped into my head that I didn't know where my cloth napkins were from the move. I know I have a couple of sets of them but I had no idea where. I called C.Z. to see if he had seen them or if he had any. He said no to both questions.

There was only one solution...buy more. As I was headed downtown there were a couple of options. Macy's, Bed Bath and Beyond, Williams Sonoma. I got to Macy's first, took a deep breath and plunged in. It was insane. Customers everywhere you looked. "Pretty" people dressed in black drowning in cologne. Strollers. Kids. AAAAAHHHHHH. What was I thinking. However, since I was already inside, I would hurry to the 8th floor to look for napkins. Hurry. Who was I kidding. The elevators were filled to capacity. And the escalators seem to puzzle most people. Each person would have to stop, concentrate and then jump on. At the top, they concentrate, jump off, and stop. It creates quite a traffic problem. The whole process is orchestrated by grumpy employees telling everyone to watch their step, keep the line moving, and have a happy holiday at the top of their lungs.

I get to the 8th Floor, step off the escalator, round the corner to discover I am in kid hell. OH, NO! Santa's on the 8th Floor. I can't move forward. I can't retreat. There are small people everywhere and no one seems to be moving. I finally push my way past a small family blocking the entire aisle and slowly proceed forward into Macy's toy section. The crowd has only gotten worse. Parent's are posing their children in front of things taking their pictures as if they have never been inside a department store before. I hold my breath and keep pushing forward. I am through. I continue moving following the signs for table linens. I walk, and walk, and walk. I don't see any. I turn and go back in the other direction. Still nothing. I turn and head back once again, confirming by the signs that I am going in the right direction. Still nothing. I spot two cashiers checking people out and I push my way up them and ask. "Where are your table linens." "On the six floor." FUCK!

I have to go back through Santa Land and Toy Land to get to the escalator. FUCK! Once again I take a deep breath and plunge in. It's slow going but I get there, go down two flights and still don't see any. I ask more quickly this time and am finally pointed in the right direction. I scout through them trying to decide what I want, what will work, what's not too expensive, and finally I choose. I get to the register where I am asked if I am from some place else. I reply, "Yes, I am from Washington Heights." The cashier laughs. She rings my purchases where I discover that everything I have chosen is on sale for much less. I pay, which is an event because I am at first told that my Bank Card is declined. I gasp. I just checked my balance yesterday and there was more than enough money in the bank. I only have 40 bucks in my pocket and I don't own a credit card. I insist there's a mistake and she runs it again. This time realizing it's a bank card. She make the adjustment, I entered my PIN number and suddenly everything is fine.

Now I have to make my escape, but first I have to pee. I have never seen a line so long for a men's restroom. I have only ever seen lines this long at the women's restrooms at the theatre. It takes almost 20 minutes to get through the line, but in NYC you go where you can go. I make my way back downstairs once again with people new to escalators and being yelled at to enjoy my holidays. Outside I take a deep breath, I am free. Whew.

I continue my walk down 7th Avenue toward 14th Street. I get to my deli and begin my selection of flowers. I had thought I would get red roses but the only ones they had were already arranged with baby's breath and that's not what I really wanted. I ended up going with red and white tulips which in the end I think were a better choice. I also wanted to get a poinsettia for the apartment. I am looking them over when I hear the man behind me ask if the poinsettia will last through the middle of the week. I turn to hear the exchange. The girl being asked the question doesn't understand, so he asks again. She says she doesn't know. At this point I turn and tell him that the poinsettia is a plant and will lasts as long as he cares for it. He doesn't get it. I explain again, it's not a cut flower, it's a plant, in dirt, that will live if cared for, indefinitely. Ahhhhh. Finally he gets it. He's very happy about this. For the next 15 minutes he tells me about his journey with the plants he's been caring for. I smile and give him what little advice I can. I finish paying, wish him a happy holiday and I am moving toward the train.

Finally an hour later than I expected to be, I am home. Luckily, as I was coming into my apartment S.H. called to let me know they were running late. I said no problem, as I had just gotten home, take your time and get here when you can. I set the table, arrange the flowers, make the salad, put the garlic bread in the oven and sit down to have a beer. Finally S.H. calls to say they are on their way. C.Z. and I light the candles, turn on the Christmas music and prepare for our guests.

This story is much longer than I realized it would be.

S.H. and M.G. arrived. They admired our tree, with M.G. inspecting each ornament wanting to know it's story. We chatted over drinks, while the bread finished warming. Finally the moment of truth was here. I served up dinner. We toasted and everyone was eating. They liked it. In fact all three of them admitted their surprise at liking it. They had all had doubts all day about what I was serving and were afraid they would hate it. In fact they all liked it so much everyone had seconds and M.G. had thirds. YAY! My white trash "Spaghetti Pie" was a hit. Over dinner we laughed, made fun of each other, gossipped and had a great time. After dinner we moved to the living room and continued our conversation while M.G. made trifle. He had thought it would be the perfect dessert for my dinner. I have to admit he was right. It was great.

M.G. and S.H. left around 11:00 and C.Z. and I cleaned up. After the dishes were done, we crashed in the living room, turned on Charlie Brown's Christmas and just relaxed. All in all it was a perfect day.

2006-12-17T00:45:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas specials. I have been watching them for years. My all time favorite is Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. When I was young I would scan the TV Guide for weeks to find out when it was on to be sure not to miss it. I know every word to the Put One Foot In Front of Another song. I even bought the DVD last year to add it to my collection. I like all of the specials though and there is a fondness in my heart for all of them.

Needless to say I was excited when I discovered a couple of weeks ago that there was a live action version of The Year Without a Santa Claus being televised this year. I did my research, found out when it was on and made sure to have my roommate DVR it since I would still be in Maine. I finally got a chance to watch it last night.

In a word...

IT SUCKED!!!!

It was painful to watch. There was not one interesting thing about it. The script was bad. The acting was bad. The production design was bad. The direction was bad. Having it end was the only good thing about it. I felt like I was watching a small town's community theatre production of The Year Without a Santa Claus. To make matters worse it was two hours long with is about 60 minutes longer than a kids show should ever be. Especially one that doesn't have jokes built in for the adults. But wait it didn't stop there. As the icing on the cake...it was offensive. There was a guest appearance by "every one's favorite TV therapist" Dr. Laura. How did anyone think this was a good idea. If I remember correctly her TV show only lasted a second because of all the controversy. Really? How did anyone think this would be a good idea?

Tonight my roommate and I were watching TV and I mentioned that I had watched the show last night and how bad it was. He didn't believe me. How could John Goodman and Delta Burke not be funny? How could that be. It's a children's show. It had to have a few redeeming qualities. When the show we were watching ended he started the recording. Within 15 minutes my point was proven. Santa was grumpy and mean. The writing was boring, not engaging, and so far nothing had happened. He wanted it to end. I did recommend seeing the production number of the Heat Miser and Snow Miser so we fast forwarded. Even that was disappointing. The chorus for each of them were 4 scantily clad girls in heels doing their high school choreography from Guys and Dolls. Where were the people? To put it mildly even the song was bad.

So what's my point? I don't understand how this crap got made. Who would think it was a good idea to do this? The original is wonderful fun. I have watched it every year for decades. Why do we need to take something that was done well in the first place and make a mockery of it? I think of the money spent to do this show and can't help but wonder how many homeless people could have been fed. How much medication for the elderly could have been purchased. If they let me be in charge for 5 minutes the first thing I would do is fire the person who green-lighted this project.

2006-12-16T11:34:00.000-05:00

Scotty over at The Other Side of Straight posts an annual list of his favorite things at Christmas. He wanted other bloggers to do the same so here is my list of favorite Christmas things.

* Waking up to find the ground covered in snow
* Napping on the couch when the temperature outside is freezing
* Searching for the perfect Christmas tree
* Unpacking my Christmas ornaments and remembering their significance
* Midnight candle light service at the one room church in the country on Christmas Eve
* Listening to carols as I decorate the tree
* My mom making Frosty Winter Bars
* Snowball fights
* Giving people Christmas gifts
* Hot apple cider with Captain Morgan Rum
* A dark room lit by white lights of the Christmas Tree and candles
* Waiting to the last minute to do my Christmas Shopping
* Watching all my favorite Christmas specials on T.V.
* Driving around to look at Christmas Lights
* Christmas breakfast at my mom's house
* Walking down 5th Avenue to look at the Christmas window displays
* Trying to figure out how to get my Christmas gifts home on the airplane
* How beautiful NYC is in newly fallen snow
* Getting Christmas cards
* Phone calls on Christmas day from my friends
* Playing Christmas songs on the piano

These are just a few of the many things that make me smile at during the Christmas season.
What are the things that make you smile?

2006-12-15T23:58:00.000-05:00

Day Three in Portland.

I managed to set my alarm correctly for day three and was out of bed around 8:30. I stumbled downstairs to the kitchen for coffee. Everyone else was already up and we hung out in the living room chatting. We discussed the plan for the day.

First on our list. Brunch. I need to start paying better attention because I don't remember the name of the place we went for brunch. We started with coffee all around and then I ordered a breakfast scramble with eggs and broccoli. M.M. also ordered a Cinnamon French Toast for the table which was sort of like dessert at breakfast. The restaurant was packed and M.M. and L.M. knew at least half the people there. It took at least 30 minutes to leave the restaurant while they said goodbye to everyone.

Back in the car I requested that we stop at 7-11 for a Diet Coke, which annoys L.M. because she thinks I drink to much Diet Coke but she agreed to stop. We then headed north to look for Christmas ornaments. M.M. and L.M. don't have enough ornaments to decorate the tree and L.M. declared that she'd only use "used" ornaments on her tree. There was no way she was going to Target or Wal-Mart to buy boxes of glass ornaments. We drove for about 20 minutes when we found an antique store. We did a quick u-turn and began exploring. The store was my favorite kind of antique store. More junk than antiques. The kind of place that has treasures just waiting to be found. We spent about an hour in it looking for ornaments. L.M. found about 10 that she liked and then we were on to the next stop. Another two or three miles up the road we discovered another store. This one was a real find, not because of the contents but because of the man who owned it. He was a real character, with a beagle who did tricks for us the whole time we were there. Again L.M. found ornaments that she liked and we headed back to the car. It was decided that we had to get back to check on Max, L.M.'s dog so it was back to Portland.

On the way back I asked for another Diet Coke but L.M. was not being as generous this time. She drove past at least 10 fast food places without stopping making it very clear I wasn't getting one.

We dropped L.M. at home and M.M. and I ran back out to go the grocery and to the L.L. Bean store again in Portland. At L.L. Bean I found a couple of shirts and a pair of pants that fit and of course some more SmartWool socks. At the grocery store we got the makings for pasta for 8. For dinner two of M.M. and L.M.'s friends were coming over with their two small children and one of their brothers. L.M. wanted food that would be quick and easy. Back home everyone again gathered in the kitchen to watch L.M. cook and once again the beer and wine was flowing. It didn't take long for dinner to be ready and soon we were back at the dining room table.

Dinner was great. We cleaned up afterwards and everyone began winding down. On Sunday night we were all in bed by 10 p.m. It's the earliest I've been to be in ages. I'd love to say that I had trouble going to sleep that early but I didn't. I was asleep in no time and the next thing I knew it was time to get up and be off the airport.

Thus ended my trip to Portland. The only thing I didn't do was meet up with my blogger friend. I have to admit that I chickened out. I was worried about looking like an idiot or not having anything to talk about, or just being stupid, so I didn't call. If you are reading this I know I'm being foolish but it's how I was feeling. Maybe I'll do better next time.

2006-12-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

Day two in Portland.

I set my alarm for 7:30 so that I could get up early and have coffee before we started our day. Unfortunately I set it for 7:30 p.m. not a.m. so I was awakened by M.M. knocking on the door of my bedroom. It was almost 10:00. So much for coffee before we left home.

I quickly showered and we were out the door. We had two goals for the day. Get a new coat for me and get a Christmas tree for M.M. and L.M. Our first stop of the day. The L.L. Bean Outlet store in Portland. We found parking and got out of the car. I took about 5 steps and the next thing I knew I was on my ass. I had stepped on a patch of ice and my feet were out from under me. Luckily I was more embarrassed than hurt. So I carefully got up and we headed to the store. We spent about 20 minutes there. They had no coats and nothing that really interested us.

We then hit the highway to head north to Freeport. It takes about 30 minutes so we were there in no time. Again we parked, and I carefully got out of the car and we started our shopping. First stop. The L.L. Been discount store. We looked at everything in my size in the store. We even found a coat but it was almost $300.00 and that was the marked down price. We thought perhaps looking elsewhere was a better idea. I did buy some SmartWool socks. I was told they are all the rage, that I would love them and that I would switch to only this type of sock. That claim might be an exaggeration but I do have to admit they are great socks.

Next we headed to the North Face Store. Their stuff is great but we didn't find anything I needed. Next was the L.L. Bean main store up the street. If you haven't been there it's huge and the place is insane. The store is open 24/7 365 days a year. I am curious as to who shops there at 3 a.m. Christmas Eve. But if you need last minute gifts you can always get them there. So we started searching for coats. It took a while to find them in my size but after some work we found 4 that I liked. So I planted myself in front of a mirror and began trying them on. And trying them on. And trying them on. I hate shopping and I hate deciding. I finally narrowed it down to two and decided to carry both of them around until it was time to check out. I found a couple of shirts and sweaters that I liked. I was forced to decide which jacket I wanted (I went with the red one) and we got in line to pay.

Next we were off the Timberland Outlet store. We discovered a gold mine. Nearly everything in the store was 50% off or more. I found a lightweight jacket that was normally 75 bucks marked down to 15. I found a couple of really butch shirts that I liked and OH NO! I found a coat that I liked. And it was $75 dollars less than the L.L. Bean coat. And it was warmer. And it was red like the other one. It took about 3 minutes to decide to get this coat. So we were off to check out. Downstairs we were looking at hats while we were in line and I heard this conversation.

Customer: Has it snowed here this year?

Cashier: (With a look of surprise) Yes, it snowed last night. Didn't you notice the ground was covered.

Customer: Reall? I didn't notice.

Cashier: You didn't notice the ground was covered in snow.

Customer: Oh, that. I thought it was there for effect, for decoration.

Cashier: (Look of total astonishment at the stupidity of the customer)

I have repeated this conversation about a million time since I heard it. I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

We paid, we returned to L.L. Bean got a refund for the jacket and then we were off. We checked a couple of other stores but didn't find anything. Finally it was time to head back to Portland. We got back, picked up L.M. and their friend Sheila, and went looking for Christmas trees. Of course we stopped at the first tree stand we came to. We found Christmas trees and cute boys. What a great combination. The stand was limited in it's tall tree selection but what it lacked in choice it made up for it in cute boyness. We looked at every tree in the lot. L.M. wanted to buy the first tree she saw but it was short and fat. I convinced her it should at least be shaped like a Christmas tree. So we kept looking. After about an hour in the COLD and SNOW we finally found one that L.M. liked and one that Sheila liked. Next we had to convince the two cute boys
(Did I mention they were cute, and brothers and cute) to tie the two trees to the top of the car. They had tied one tree before but never two. We convinced them it was kind of the same thing and it would be no problem. Finally the trees were on and it was off home.

At home we got the trees off the car in the stand and now it was time to make dinner. Lobster...and steak. By this time everyone was home and we all gathered in corners of the kitchen and watched L.M. cook. The wine and beer were flowing and the mood was perfect. It took about an hour and we moved to the dining room and began our meal. It was steak for me and lobster for everyone else. If you remember I discovered that I didn't like the lobster experience all that well back in the summer. We drank more, ate a lot, and laughed a lot. Every so often someone would give me a bit of lobster. It's not that I don't like the taste, it's that I don't like the fact they were crawling around on the kitchen counter about 60 minutes earlier. When everyone was filled to capacity, we moved to the living room taking our beer and wine with us.

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We were sitting there whn L.M. and M.M. remembered they were invited to a party. We debated going for about 5 minutes, it was decided we had to go and off we went. Sheila drove since she hadn't been drinking and the 6 of us piled into the Volvo station wagon (What else would lesbians in Maine drive?). I should point out that M.M. was in the back. We drove the 10 blocks or so found parking and all got out. We were almost to the apartment when all of us realized we had never let M.M. out of the car. Whoops. When we got back to let her out of the car she was PISSED. I don't know if she was playing pissed, or really was. It didn't really matter none of us could stop laughing about it. We arrived at the party. It was LESBIANS. All Lesbians. All day. We said our hellos and headed to the kitchen for beer. Christie, Kelly and I found a place in the corner and except to get more beer we hid there. It was actually quite fun and we were glad we went.

Finally it was time to go home, and we all piled back in the car. Drove the 10 blocks home. Got out, remembering to let M.M. out of the car. Got inside and collapsed in the living room. We all sat there for about 30 minutes and then said our good nights and went to bed.

Day three tomorrow.

Pic #1: Cute boy showing us a tree.
Pic #2: Sunset at the tree lot.
Pic #3: Lobsters on the counter having sex.
Pic #4: Lobsters being punished for having sex before marriage.
Pic #5: Lobster funeral.

2006-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

My trip to Portland was wonderful. It snowed on Thursday night/Friday morning so the ground was covered in white when I arrived. It's the first snow I have seen in three years so to say I was excited is an understatement. It was also very cold, and although I have been looking forward to the cold weather it could have waited until I had my new winter coat. I was wearing a sweatshirt, so I didn't stay out to play long, I grabbed my bags, ran to the car and headed to my friend M.M.'s house. I got there only to find out their friends who were supposed to meet me there weren't home yet. So I was left standing on their porch waiting. Luckily I didn't have to wait long but it was still long enough to be cold.

Friday night we had dinner down the street at a restaurant I fail to remember the name of. It was great though. Wine and beer before dinner. A nice french onion soup for an appetizer. And the world largest pork chop for dinner. Of course the best of all was the company. M.M. and her girlfriend L.M. and their two friends Christie and Kelly. We had a great time, laughed a lot and enjoyed the evening.

After dinner we walked the two or three blocks back home where we crashed in the living room. We hung out and talked about mostly nothing. NYC, Chicago, Portland. Our jobs, etc. Around 11:00 it was decided that it was time for bed. It was also determined that my bedroom in the back of the house, in the unheated part would be too cold for me so I was put in M.M. and L.M.'s room and they were going to be on the sofa. This worked out great because both of them are early risers and this meant that I could sleep late.

That's it for day one. I fill in day's two and three tomorrow.

2006-12-07T02:53:00.000-05:00

These are the states that I have visited in my life. It's not too shabby. I still need to get to the North/Northwest though.

Anybody know how to shrink this so it fits on the text side of my blog?

2006-12-07T01:45:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures of the finished tree along with pictures of some of my favorite ornaments.

The ornament to the left is a Santa Claus Tree Topper that was on my family tree while I was growing up. He now gets stuffed on the tree in a bare spot. But he always has to be there.

This ornament was made for me by my fraternity's house mom Ms. T. She was very handy and was legendary for her sausage balls and biscuits and ham. If she thought you were having a bad day she'd always whip up something tasty. One year she made a bunch of these crocheted ornaments for me because she knew how much I loved Christmas.

This doll was given to me years ago as a "funny" Christmas gift. She got placed on the tree that year and has since found a permanent place on my tree. She also gets stuffed into an open place.

This paper ornament was made by me when I was in 2nd Grade. I have three or four of these and have treasured them as an adult. They always go on my tree and are never hidden in the back but are up front and center. My teacher in 2nd grade was named Ms. Manning and I loved her dearly. I was devasted when she got married at the end of my year with her. She became Mrs. Smith and moved away a year later. I have no idea where she went or what became of her, but she was a huge influence on me as a child.

When I was in elementary school my mom bought a box of wooden ornaments that came in a sheet. You punched them out of the wood and then painted them yourself. Years ago I raided my parents Christmas ornaments and took several of these. They are now favorites of mine because my mother painted them and they are almost as old as me. I have seen the same ornaments on several trees throughout the years.

This ornament was bought by S.G. and me for our first Christmas together. We bought a pair of them and they were the first of many really nice ornaments we purchased together. On December 26th we were always at the nicest department stores, florists, etc. to pick up their after Christmast discounts on their ornaments. I still have most of these, although about 10 years ago I did break down and let S.G. come to my house and choose a few of the ones we bought together to have for himself.

This is my most gay ornament. It's a mirror ball that spins. It took C.Z. and I about 20 minutes to find a place for it on the tree. It had to be up front and center and had to have a place to hang so that it could spin freely. I realized as I wrote the words "most gay" that in fact the whole tree is pretty gay, but what's a girl to do?

This is my blown glass pig ornament. I was once involved with a guy who was a bit of a pig...in only the nicest way possible. So I began buying him pig ornament every year. This one was bought for him but for what ever reason I kept it. It's a pink Santa Pig. How gay?

2006-12-06T00:47:00.000-05:00

The tree is up and decorated. It looks great. My roommate is beside himself. He told me today that it's the first tree's he's put up since 1990. He just kept stepping back from it saying it's so beautiful, it's so beautiful. It was great pulling my ornaments out as we began putting decorations on the tree. I haven't had them out of the box since 2001 and I'd forgotten about many of them. I'd open a box and immediately get excited as I began to take them out and put them on the tree. The hardest part of the evening was deciding what ornaments to leave off the tree. I have enough ornaments to decorate two trees one of which is usually 10 or so feet tall. This is year I am putting up one tree that's about 7'6" tall. All of the nice ornaments made it on, and we ended up just leaving off the glass balls. We finished up by putting "icicles" on the tree. According to C.Z. he's never had a tree that didn't have them. In fact he had this very specific system of how to approach putting them on the tree, so much so that I stopped helping and ate dinner. It took almost as long for him to finish this task as it did to decorate the whole tree. It's finished though, and it looks great and I'll have pictures in the next day or so.

2006-12-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

I've had a great day today. I slept late. No surprise there. I didn't get to bed until around 3:00 a.m. Got up and returned phone calls that I owed people from last week. One of those calls was to M.G. the director of my show. I wanted to find out if I did anything I needed to apologize for last Friday night when I was drunk. Did I mention that I got way more than a little tipsy on Friday. I don't remember all of the evening. Therefore, I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to embarrass myself. He said I did not. Just that I was drunk. Whew, that's good.

I showered and headed downtown to run some errands. I started at K-mart. I wanted to pick up a couple of extra sets of white christmas tree lights. It's been five years since I used mine so I assumed that there would be a couple sets that didn't work. Then I was off to Macy's. There's nothing worse than having to go to Macy's during the holidays. Between the tourists who act as if they have never been in a department store before and the actual customers shopping, it's a zoo to say the least. I went there to look for a Christmas stocking for my roommate. I believe everyone should have a stocking if you are decorating for Christmast and I didn't think C.Z. would have one, so I made it my responsibility to correct that.

When I finally got to the 9th floor, the zoo was intensified. Seemed everyone was shopping for X-mas decorations today. I found a stocking I thought he would like and then decided to get him an ornament in honor of our first Christmas together. I wanted to have one that said "Our First Christmas, 2006" but couldn't find one. I asked if they had any but the sales help looked at me as if I was crazy. They pointed me in the direction of the Baby's First Christmas. Ugh! I finally decided on a Christmas 2006 ornament with Santa on it and headed for the line. I stood in line for almost 30 minutes before I could give them my money and get the hell out of there.

From there, I headed to 14th Street to see my psychiatrist. I see him once a month and today was the day. It went well. I always like seeing him and today was even better than normal. He seemed to think that I was doing okay. None of my meds needed to be adjusted and life was good.

From his office I wandered back to the subway, where I just missed the train. I have yet to understand why people walking down the stairs to the train go as slow as possible completely blocking the stairs when it's not their train. I tried to get around said couple but of course their defense was better than my offense. It didn't help that the train was smashed full and I decided it wasn't worth trying to push my way on. Ah, but what a day. In less than two minutes another A train arrived and because it was so close behind the last one, it was empty all the way to my house. Yippee.

Of course the only real bad part of my day occurred once I arrived home. My job tonight was to put the lights on the Christmas tree. I had pulled out all of the boxes of decorations today and put them in the living room so that I'd be ready when I got home. My friend M.M. called just as I was opening the door and as I talked to her I began opening the boxes looking for the lights. I opened the first box, and then another, and another, and another. Soon all the boxes were open and there were no lights. How could that be. I own at least 30 strands of white christmas tree lights. I have a box dedicated to just those. Where could they be. I searched and searched to no avail. They could not be found. I have no idea where they are but they aren't in my apartment.

Now I was in a dilemma. I had to put lights on the tree so C.Z and I could decorate it tomorrow night, but I have no lights. Then an idea occurred. There's a Target store only 3 stops north of me in the Bronx. Perhaps it stayed open late. I looked the store up and in fact they were open until 11:00. I could make it. So I threw my clothes back on and ran to the train. Or rather shivered to the train. It's cold here tonight. Got to Target to find the worst selection of Christmas lights ever. I have never seen products so picked over. In took almost 30 minutes of searching through every pile of lights they had to piece together 10 boxes of different brands of white Christmas lights. I found my way back to the store, paid and was back on the subway. In all it took 75 minutes to get there and back. Not bad for NYC.

And so, the day is over. I gave my roommate his gifts. We watched Studio 60 together. He went to bed and I put the lights on the tree. All in all it's been a wonderful day. Here's a couple of pictures of the tree. It will look better tomorrow when it's finished. Now I must take my leave so that I don't sleep until 2:00 p.m. again tomorrow.

2006-12-04T01:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to still be awake at 1:30 a.m. I don't set out to stay up late. In fact I tell myself that I am going to get to bed early but very rarely does that actually happen. I decide to check my email, and then read a couple of blogs and then I should probably do a post and the next thing you know it's the wee hours of the morning and I'm not in bed. The only real problem with this is that I sleep till the afternoon and thus never get anything done during the day that needs to be done during the day. Little things like laundry, cleaning, running errands. Each day I say tomorrow will be different, but if I don't get 8 hours of sleep I am miserable the next day. And thus it's one endless cycle.

Enough whining. My roommate and I bought our Christmas tree today. It's actually the smallest tree I have ever had, but it fits nicely in our apartment without eating the whole room so it's great. The only real disappointment is that it's not a fraser fir. They are my favorite type of Christmas tree and it's what I have always bought. Unfortunately the lot near our house was out of them and it's too much work to try and cart a tree home from too far away. Fraser firs are also more expensive so I didn't mind saving the money. I'll take pictures tomorrow and show you before and after. I am actually excited about having a tree. It's the first time I have had a tree since 2001 and it's the first time I have ever had a roommate that actually wanted to participate in the tree experience.

2006-12-03T01:35:00.000-05:00

I know, meme's are the easy way out, but I'm tired and hungover. I'll do a real post tomorrow.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Hot Chocolate

2. Did you ever do anything for Santa?

Always as a child.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

White and only white. Colored lights do not show off the beauty of the ornaments on the tree.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?

I have, but no in a long while. But it's fun to have around.

5. When do you put your decorations up?

I like to put them up the weekend after Thanksgiving. My roommate and I are putting our tree up tomorrow.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?

We do sandwichs on Christmas Eve with desserts and I LOVE my mom's chicken salad.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:

The year I got my purple bicycle. It was hidden on our back porch and my parents sent me out there two or three times before I saw it.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I was around 7.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

As kids we always got to open one gift on Chrismas Eve. I always chose the one I thought would be the least exciting so that I could save the good ones for the next morning.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?

Get the tree, let it fall. Then spend a couple of hours putting lights on the tree always using the squint test to make sure there are no holes in the lights and then I spend forever putting on the decorations. I haven't put up a tree since 2001 so I am really excited about having one.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it.

I love it. That's why I am so excited to not be living in San Diego.

12. Can you ice skate?

NOOOOOOO!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?

I have never really gotten things that were out of the ordinary. I remember an assortment of small things but not anything important.

14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you?

Putting up the tree.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?

My ex-boyfriend's mom made a dessert called Frosty Winter Bars. They are delicious. My mom started making them several years ago and they are now everyone's favorite.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Christmas eve midnight church service at this little country church about 10 miles out of town. The whole church seats about 150 people and it's lit by candles and it's very serene. The service is always the same and is the telling of the Christmas story through Christmas hymn. I started doing this about 10 or so years ago and have been doing ever since. The last several years I have gone by myself, but it's something I enjoy.

17. What tops your tree?

A Bow that my boyfriend S.G. and I bought years ago.

18. Which do you prefer give or receive gifts?

I prefer to give gifts. I am a very good present person. About 95% of the time I know whether someone will like the present they are getting or not.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?

All time favorite song is Do You Hear What I Hear. But my favorite recorded song is Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie and Bing Crosby. It's beautiful

20. Candy Canes?

By all means yes.

21. Favorite Christmas TV Special?

Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I love the Put One Foot in front of another song. I watch it every year without fail

2006-12-01T01:18:00.000-05:00

I saw this a couple of day ago on Sorted's blog and since I'm a little short on time tonight and it's late I thought I would steal it.

A is for age: 41
B is for beer of choice: Corona
C is for career: Lighting Designer
D is for favorite Drink: DIET COKE...You can never have enough
E is for essential item you use everyday: Toothbrush, computer
F is for favorite song at the moment: Leader of the Pack....it's in the show I am designing
G is for favorite games: Monopoly.
H is for hometown: Georgetown, Kentucky
I is for instruments you play: Piano
J is for favorite juice: Apple
K is for kids: No, and although I like them, I don't want them. I don't think I'd make a good parent and I figure there are enough kids in the world without me needing one.
L is for last kiss: C.T. my ex-boyfriend, but it wasn't romantic
M is for marriage: No, D.L.C. broke up with me about 2 years ago and I haven't dated seriously since then.
N is for name of your best friend: Michelle. She and I have been best friends since the mid-90's. We have been through break ups together, illnesses, and lot's of laughs. We have also been on 4 long vacations together that were near perfect.
O is for overnight hospital stays: On December 20, 2003 my appendix burst and I was in the hospital for 8 days. It was not fun.
P is for phobias: Snakes
Q is for quote: Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
R is for biggest regret: Not having sex with S.C. in 1987 when I found him in my bed in our f fraternity house. Not treating S.G. better and letting him get a way. Not finishing my M.F.A. earlier. That being said I realize that every person is on a different path, so I truly believe my life is the way it's supposed to be for a reason.
S is for self confidence: Not really, but if in anything it's in my career choice.
T is for time you wake up: as late as possible. I'd sleep until 2pm if I could.
U is for underwear: Boxers since I got fat. Boxer briefs before that.
V is for vegetable you love: Corn, peas, carrots
W is for worst habit: I snore, but I don't know if that's a habit. I think Diet Coke is my worst habit. I have to have it available at all times or I get anxious. What's that about?
X is for x-rays you have had: teeth
Y is for yummy food you make: Spaghetti pie, don't ask, but it's delicious.
Z is for zodiac sign: Aries

2006-11-29T21:16:00.000-05:00

I have been in tech all week for a show that I am designing in Queens. For those non-theatre people out there, tech is when all the design elements of a show are introduced for the first time, rehearsed and implemented. As a lighting designer this is when most of my actual work is done. A couple of weeks earlier I designed on paper where all the lights would hang and sent the drawings off to the theatre. The theatre crew then hangs the lights above the stage where I have specified they should be hung. I go in two or three days before the "tech rehearsals" start and focus, which involves standing on the stage and having my crew point the lights where I want them.

At this point I am ready to go. Tech rehearsals begin and in a perfect world, we start at the first moment of the show and walk through it moment by moment, setting levels and recording changes in the computer. For a lighting designer this is a very stressful time. Everyone is waiting for you, so that we can move forward and yet you need time to actually make the scene look the way you envisioned it. It's very much a hurry up, hurry up, hurry up kind of situation that's not for the faint at heart. With any luck your ideas match what the director has pictured for the show and tech goes smoothly. Sometimes, it goes the other way and the director hates everything you do and you have to start thinking on your feet and making changes to your design. Once again all of this is done while everyone watches, waiting to move forward.

This is the game I have been playing all week. And this week has not been fun. The theatre's crew has the combined IQ of a goldfish. I watched on Monday as the TD took 90 minutes to run power to 10 lights. The entire job should have taken 15 minutes and that would have included stopping to smoke a cigarette. I ask the crew person assigned to the show to re-circuit a set of lights this morning when I got to the theatre. As of 7:00 when I left she was still trying to figure out what I was talking about. The same crew member moved the lighting computer today to it's show position but failed to run the cable that connected it to the lighting equipment. When we were ready to start the show, she couldn't figure out why the lights wouldn't come on. These are just a few of the things that have happened this week.

As for the director, he's on my last fucking nerve. At one point today it took every ounce of control to not snap his head off his little body and shove it up his ass. I know Ur-Spo I should probably look at my issues with anger...but it's how I felt today. Yesterday, he asked that we add a series of Christmas lights to a platform. (Yes, it's a bit high schoolish, but what can you do.) These lights were to be used with theatre lights that were all ready in place to create an effect. When I got to the theatre this morning, the TD had installed the lights and wired them as a part of the other Christmas lights in the show. I explained to him that this was a different idea and they needed to be changed. Surprisingly, without much difficulty, he made the change and we were ready to go. Enter the director. He proceeds to tell me that in fact he has changed his mind and the lights do in fact need to be wired with the other Christmas lights to be one unified idea. Now, I agree with the change, I just wished he had told me 30 minutes earlier. But wait it doesn't end there. I explained to him, that in fact the work was already done the way he had requested it, and although it could be changed it couldn't happen till tomorrow. He said okay and we started rehearsal. Two minutes into the scene he stops and wants to know why the lights are not on together. I once again explain the problem and we move on. Two hours later he runs over during a musical number to explain to me that these lights are supposed to be on. Once again I explain the situation and we move on. At the end of the rehearsal, we gather for notes and the first note he gives me, is that the lights should come on together not with the other lights. Yet ONCE AGAIN, I explain the situation and we move forward. At 3:30 we start an invited dress. 20 minutes into Act 1, he scurries over to me to ask why the lights are on in this scene. I ONCE AGAIN, explain the situation. 20 minutes later he scurries over once again to find out why the lights aren't on. I ONCE AGAIN explain the situation. At intermission, he stops me as I go to check in with the stage manager and he ONCE AGAIN questions the lights and why they aren't working properly. It was at this point that I had had it. I grunted out the explanation yet ONCE AGAIN and swore to myself that if he asked again I would kill him. He didn't mention it again until the end of the show during notes. I started to explain it to him and stopped myself and said, "You know, you don't really need to know what's going on, just trust me when I say it'll be fixed by tomorrow."

All day long it was if I was speaking Japanese. He didn't seem to listen or understand a word that I was saying. I know that sometimes things get a little technical for some people but this really wasn't that technical. And he's the one who requested the lights, requested they be wired the way they were and then changed his mind. By the time I left I was so pissed off and angry that I could scream. Luckily the subway ride home is 90 munutes so I had plenty of time to calm down and become a normal person again.

Now I am home and my roommate and I are both on our laptops in the living room. He bought me the new Bette Midler Christmas CD today so we turned off the TV and listened to it. It's so peaceful and nice, just sitting here listening to the music. It just ended and I searched through our combined collection and now the CD player is randomly playing Christmas music for us. Ah, it's nice to be home.

2006-11-28T23:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. My ex-boyfriend C.T. was in town this weekend and I spent three days entertaining him. I think I walked about a million miles while he was here. In fact there is a blister on my right foot the size of a grapefruit. It was nice having him visit but I didn't have a single free minute to myself to even think about a post.

He got in late on Friday evening. He dropped his things off at my apartment and we took the subway downtown to get food. He was anxious to see at least a few of the sights and the only food around me is delivery, so off to Chelsea and the world of gay boys we went. We got there around 11:15 so ended up eating at The Dish. Which is diner food in a word. But the waiters are cute for the most part and the food is cheap and it's not too bad. So we sat in the front window and watched the world go by and had dinner.

After dinner we headed north toward Times Square. It's never a good time to go to Times Square but going after the rush definitely beats being there in the middle of the day. So we walked over to 7th Avenue so that we could see Times Square expand before our eyes. It also allowed us to the see the Empire State Building as we walked past 34th Street. By the time we got to 42nd Street the crowds weren't so bad. We wandered around for a little while and actually ended up going in the sheet music store. C.T. looked for the sheet music to Funny Girl while I strolled up and down aisles and wished that I could have my piano again. At 1:00 a.m. they kicked us out of the store and we walked to Columbus Circle and took the subway home.

It was almost 2:30 before we were home and close to 3:00 before we were in bed. C.T. slept with me so that it wouldn't be as much of an imposition on C.Z. my roommate. Before you go there...we slept together. That's it. We did talk until the wee hours of the morning. Which was rather unfortunate since C.T. was up at 7:30 ready to see the rest of the city.

By 9:00 we were out the door for Saturday's adventure. We did the tour of midtown. We checked out 5th Avenue including FAO Schwartz, the Apple Store, and all the windows displayed going south. We went through St. Patrick's Cathedral, then over to Rockefeller Center to see the undecorated tree, and then on to the Main Branch of the Public Library. Then it was east to Grand Central Station then back to Times Square to see Altar Boys. (Which is a lot of fun.) After the show we headed downtown to Chelsea and the Village where we looked around until dinner at 8:00. Originally we were going to eat at Tello's. But they couldn't decide how much longer it would be for a table. The told us 5 minutes when we arrived. 30 minutes later we were still waiting. At 45 minutes we told them, "sorry we are going elsewhere. We ended up at Lasagna, another Italian restaurant up the street. It was actually okay. The food was good, it was reasonably priced and the bartender and waiter were both very pretty. We managed to be home by 11:00.

C.T. and I decided we needed to unwind so we watched the movie Jeffrey, which is funnier than I remembered. At 2:30 we were in bed where we chatted until at least 4:00. Which was really unfortunate Saturday night because once again he was awake at 7:30 ready to explore the city. I finally woke up enough to tell him that if I didn't get some sleep I wasn't leaving the apartment, gave him directions to Starbucks on 181 Street and told him to come back in a couple of hours. I slept until he rang the buzzer to get back in. After a quick shower, we were on our way again.

Sunday was devoted to the Financial District. In too few hours we rode the Staten Island Ferry, saw Ground Zero, checked out both Trinity Church and St. Paul's, had coffee at South Street Seaport, took pictures at Wall Street, walked half the Brooklyn Bridge, had coffee in Tribeca, C.T. had coffee in Soho. Walked on up to the Village where we explored what's left of Christopher Street. Pointed out the Stonewall Bar. And at 7:30 were on the subway headed back home.

At home C.T., C.Z. and I ordered Chinese and popped in the movie Torch Song Trilogy. C.T. had never seen it and I love it. I saw it when it was first released and cried like a baby when Matthew Broderick was killed. After T.S.T. C.T. wanted to watch another movie and since his weekend had been all NYC. He wanted it to be filmed in New York. So he chose Godspell. I half watched it while I read a few blogs and started getting ready for bed. By 1:00 we were in bed. I had to be up early Monday morning because I'm doing a show in Queens. C.T. and I rode downtown together and he was on his own for the day.

Now the moral of the story. I love having visitors. I love showing people around the city who have never been here before. I love sharing the little pieces of trivia that I have and explaining how the subways work, how to hail a cab, and tons of other NYC information. What I don't like is being responsible for the planning of the entire event. C.T. did not actively participate in the planning of his day, was not interested in any NYC history and had no opinion on where to go next, what to eat for lunch, or what he wanted to do. By 5:00 p.m. on Sunday I was miserable. I had taken him every place I could think of, and couldn't for the life of me, get him to tell me what he wanted to do next. He didn't want to see a movie. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to.... After a couple hours of this I made the decision that home was the best place to be and that we were ordering Chinese for dinner.

After a long talk with my roommate I have decided that never again will I be responsible for planning someone's trip to NYC. I'll be happy to show them around and be a part of the experience. But it will be up to them to decide what they want to do. I love C.T. to death, but by the end of Sunday I was ready to scream and just wanted him to go home. Which was not his intent at all, but was where he pushed me to. I know he had a good time but before he comes to visit again, I'll have to explain the new rules to him.

So if any of you are planning trips to NYC and want me to show you around at least offer a few ideas about what you want to see.

2006-11-24T01:35:00.000-05:00

My stomach hurts. I think that's the point of Thanksgiving. It's a license to overeat. Not that we don't do it the rest of the year. But for one day each year, everyone participates in the occasion. And that's what I did today. I overate. And now my tummy hurts.

I spent the afternoon and evening with my friend S.H., his boyfriend M.G. and D.B. We had a great time. We ate, we laughed, and then we ate some more. It was S.H.'s first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner, especially the turkey. It was all perfect. In fact it was one of the best turkeys I have ever had. Moist isn't the word for how perfect it was. I contributed pumpkin pie for the occasion. I have never made pumpkin pie before but my roommate C.Z. had a recipe in Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cookbook published in 1961. The illustrations in the book are by some guy named Andrew Warhol. It's super simple and the pie turned out great. We each had two slices, so I think that meant they liked it. S.H. announced that this would be the first of many holiday meals that he would host.

Ur-Spo pointed out to me that I left off a very important thing to be thankful for in my list last night. One thing I am very thankful for and try to not take for granted is that I live in New York City. The greatest city in the world. I love most everything about it. The diversity, the crowds, the architecture, the shopping, the museums, the theatres. I could go on but most of you know what NYC has to offer. Another thing that I am quite grateful for this year is that I am in a place in the world where I will get to experience winter. I can't wait for snow. The cold weather has been great so far. Now it just needs to get really cold so I can start wearing my hat and scarf.

So thank you Ur-Spo for reminding to include NYC on my list.

2006-11-23T01:27:00.000-05:00

It's 1:30 a.m. on the east coast. Which means that it's Thanksgiving Day already. I had told myself that I would write my list of what I am thankful for Thanksgiving night, but now that it's here I feel like that's what needs to be said.

So what am I thankful for?

For the most part I am healthy. I have a bum knee that bothers me from time to time and I deal with depression. I look around me and see the physical pain and suffering so many other poeple deal with and in the big scheme of things I am in quite healthy.

I have a great home. My new apartment isn't in the best neighborhood but I love it. It's probably the best NYC apartment I have had. It's large, has great character. And it's perfect for me.

I have a great roommate. My current roommate C.Z. is the best. We have yet to have disagreement about anything. We share things without worrying about whose spent what. He doesn't mind that the apartment still isn't completely put together. He's funny. And I enjoy being home when he's home. That has not always been true in the past.

I have money in the bank. Not a lot. And it's disappearing fast. But right now, I have no worries about not being able to pay rent. Most of my bills are paid. And I'll be working again before you know it.

I have great friends. My school friends will be apart of my life forever. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly. I hate that I won't be at A.N.'s house today eating pyrogies. My friends in NYC are a different lot, but they have helped me immensely and I'll be forever grateful. There's also M.L. Without him I think I'd be lost. He came into my life when I needed it and he's been there ever since. He works too much and we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like but he's always there when I need him. And last. M.M. She's been my best friend forever. I don't know what I'd do without her. She knows all of my secrets and loves me anyway.

I also have my blogger friends. I have only been reading blogs for about 10 months. But I truly feel as if I know you guys better than I know my own family. I have only been writing my blog about 5 months and slowly I am telling my secrets. Letting you in what makes me tick and keeps me going. And I look forward to the relationships that I know will flourish as we continue to get to know each other.

My family. Okay so they're white trash. And a bit racist. And probably homophobic if we discussed it. But they're all mine. And I know that if I ever needed something they would be there for me.

There's so much more but it's now almost 2:00 a.m. and if I don't get to bed soon I'll never get up in time to make my very first pumpkin pie.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Much love,

Maddog.

2006-11-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

I have been out of sorts lately. I don't know if I am still recovering from last weeks drinking, it's depression, or I'm getting sick. I have been so tired at night that the last thing I want to do is sit down and type a blog entry or even read what you guys are up to. It's been since last Tuesday that I actually read all the blogs I read and commented on them. This might speak to why I am getting so few responses this week.

It's not like anything has changed. I am still continuing to unpack my apartment. I haven't talked to A.L. since our fun phone conversation last Monday. I have seen him a couple of times but he refuses to acknowledge my existence. The project I had due was finished and sent off Sunday night. I was requested to make a couple of corrections on Monday. I did that in about 10 minutes and resent it. I have been attending rehearsals so that I'll know what's up when we get to tech. Life is progressing. So I don't know what the deal is.

I have decided the best way to deal with it though, is to work through it. So this week I am going to make an attempt to post everyday and keep up with my reading. I would like to finish sorting through my bedroom tomorrow making sure everything is at last in it's place. I'm having Thanksgiving with my friend S.H. and his boyfriend M. My friend C.T. is coming to visit on Friday so I get to play host and tour guide for the weekend which is always fun. So I just need to keep my chin up and pretend that I feel okay and hope for the best.

On another note this article appeared in USA Today. It's an interesting look at religion and homosexuality written by Oliver "Buzz" Thomas a Baptist Minister. If only everyone could take his point of view, being gay might not seem so bad to those who don't understand us.

Have a great Wednesday. Which equates to Friday this week since most of us have off Thursday and Friday.

2006-11-20T02:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in several days. I wish I had a good excuse like I won the lottery and I've been buying a new house. Or that I have been vacationing in the south of France. Or I was hired to design a Broadway show and have been working. But no. Nothing like that. On Wednesday my friend J.S. came to New York. She's here working on a show and needed a place to stay so I offered her my couch. I actually gave her my bed, just so she would be more comfortable and I have been sleeping on the couch but that's neither here nor there. On Wednesday, after she arrived, we met downtown to hang out. We grabbed a quick bite, thinking we would get a real dinner later, and then met my friend L.G. At first it was going to just be coffee but after I told them the WHOLE story of A.L. and his advances toward me, we decided a drink was in order.

We weren't sure where to go so we headed toward the Village to see what we could find. We tried the bar Pieces but it was way too crowded. So as a last resort we ended up at The Duplex in their upstairs bar. It was practically empty and it was a nice place to continue our conversation. As we worked on our second drink the place began to fill up. Turns out there was a Drag Show at 9:00 and we were soon surrounded by drag queens. A couple of them looked good but there was nothing special. Since the bar was filling up we decided it was time to move on so we headed across the street to Marie's Crisis. I am actually embarrassed to say that I like this bar but I think it's great. It's a hole in the wall in the basement of this building with about 4 tables, a small bar and a piano in the middle of the room. The piano is played while the customers belt out their favorite show tunes. So J.S. and L.G. and I sang and sang and drank and drank and drank. At some point L.G. left but J.S. and I continued to sing and drink and drink and sing. Soon we knew everyone in the bar and people we buying us drinks. It was close to four when we stumbled out of the bar to head home.

We were DRUNK. We had never gotten dinner and both of us were drinking the hard stuff. I had been enjoying Maker's Mark and she had been drinking gin. And both of us had had a lot more than we needed. In fact, I have not been this drunk in years. J.S. was completely out of it. She cried and apologized all the way home for being such a mess. It made me laugh. She is the most polite drunk you have ever met but she continued to apologize. I finally got her home and put her to bed and I passed out on the sofa. It was after 2:00 p.m. when I finally woke from the fog. Hungover is not the word to describe how I felt. My head hurt. My stomach hurt. My body hurt. I lay on the sofa all day. I got up to go to the bathroom. Eat dinner and get more Diet Coke. Around 10 or so I went back to sleep and slept till late in the morning on Friday. I still felt like crap. I have spent the whole weekend recovering. I finally feel like a normal person.

The moral of this story. Do Not Drink This Much Again.

At least not for a couple of months or so.

2006-11-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's been a long couple of days. I guess the most important or rather crappy thing that happened was that A.L. and I finally had to have a talk about his feelings for me. Last Wednesday night we had dinner. At dinner I had a glass of wine and an after dinner drink and then commented on the fact the alcohol was going to my head. At this point A.L. made a comment about me drinking more so that he could take advantage of me. Without thinking I said, trying to be funny, that it would take more than a couple of drinks for that to happen. Whoops. I know it sounded kind of mean but it's not what I meant. However, it pissed him off. So much so that he didn't speak to me for five days.

Now the "great" part about his not speaking to me was that he didn't bother to tell me why he was pissed at me. So I spent five days trying to figure out what I did, replaying the evening in my head, not remembering what I said. Finally yesterday he called me and we talked. He explained that what I said had been like a slap in the face and that it wasn't nice. He then began to point out other faults of mine. At one point he was being quite mean. However, I was trying to smooth everything over so I kept apologizing trying to take the high road. We ended the conversation agreeing that he would come over today to help me hang pictures in my apartment.

Unfortunately, after we spoke I spent the afternoon cleaning, which gave me time to think. The more I thought, the more I realized that I hadn't been the only one at fault here. As I continued to think I began to get angry. And then I got really angry. The point is I am not interested in A.L. I have never been interested in him romantically. I was not interested in him five years ago when he asked me out the first time. I was not interested in him romantically on our drive cross country when he mentioned that he still had feelings for me. I was not interested in him romantically when he mentioned his interest since the trip and I was not interested in him romantically when he made his joke on Wednesday. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy. But we have nothing in common. We don't listen to the same music. He doesn't watch T.V. He doesn't go the theatre. He only watches movies that are documentaries. His taste in architecture isn't the same as mine. His taste in furniture is ugly. His apartment looks like he just moved in and he's lived in the same apartment for 26 years. While we are at it I should mention that he's 15 years older than me. He doesn't work. I could go on but you get the point. We have nothing in common.

I suddenly realized that I needed to finally end this romantic obsession. I had to nip in the bud so to speak. So last night I called A.L. back and we had a little chat. I, rather firmly, explained that his interest in me had to stop. The comments had to stop. The jokes had to stop. He needed to start taking responsibility for what was going on. I explained that I no longer wanted to be held accountable for my responses when he was saying things that made me uncomfortable. I didn't go so far as to say that we had nothing in common but I laid out the reasons why a relationship with him wouldn't work and was a bad idea. I might have been a little heavy handed but I kept reiterating my stand. I needed for him to finally understand that I wasn't interested.

He eventually said that he got the point and that I could stop. And so we said our good-byes. A.L. called back today. He said that he wanted to make an amends. He apologized for putting me into uncomfortable positions. He apologized for being unrelenting. He explained that he would need some time to get over this, and asked for space.

I don't know how all of this will play out. I do know that having my conversation with him was difficult. It's never easy to say something to a friend that you know will probably hurt their feelings. But sometimes you have to step up to the plate and do what's uncomfortable. I hope in the end that we can salvage the friendship that we have started.

2006-11-13T02:28:00.000-05:00

It's late and I am too tired to try and remember what I was going to post about tonight. So I am shamelessly stealing a meme I saw today over at this sight. Please forgive me for being lazy.

This meme is pretty simple (hence the appeal): go to Wikipedia, type in the date and month of your birth but not the year, then find: 3 events, 2 people whose birthday you share, 1 person who died that day, and 1 holiday.

Here goes:

1606: The Union Jack is adopted as the national flag of Great Britain
1861: The Civil War starts with Confederate forces firing on Fort Sumter
1955: The polio vaccine developed by Dr. Jonas Salk is declared safe and effective

Birthday:
David Letterman: 1947
Ann Miller: 1923

Death:
Franklin D. Roosevelt 1945

Holiday:
The Roman holiday of Cerealia begins

Who knows what it all means. Give me your thoughts.

2006-11-12T01:19:00.000-05:00

I was more of a bum today than I was yesterday. I got up at 11:30. A little later than I wanted to. Moved to the couch and slept there until 3:17. So much for getting things done. I finally dragged my lazy ass off the couch, took a shower and headed downtown. The one productive thing I did was get off the train at 59th Street and walk from there to 14th Street. It was such a beautiful day and I had already wasted most of it, I thought it might be a good idea to enjoy the warm weather while we have it.

In the good new category. My roommate has agreed to let me sublet my apartment while I am teaching out west. I'll save me about a 1,000 bucks a month so I'm sure you can guess how happy this makes me. We still have some details to work out but it should be a go. On top of that, a friend from school needs a place to stay starting in January so I am hoping that he'll agree to take my place and since I know him there'll be no problem with my roommate. Keep your fingers crossed.

My friend A.L. who traveled cross country with me has officially stopped speaking to me. I saw him tonight and he barely acknowledged me. I have no idea what it's about, but I'm guessing it has something to do with my putting off his advances on Wednesday night. He's been asking me out for five years and I have been politely declining for five years. There are a million reasons why it would never work. The most obvious is that we have nothing in common. But that's just me.

Have a great Sunday everyone, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

2006-11-11T02:06:00.000-05:00

My schedule is a mess. It's 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake and not even close to ready for bed. Tomorrow I'll sleep until noon which means I won't get anything done before I have to go downtown to meet friends for dinner. I have to do something about this. I have a load of crap that needs to be accomplished that's just sitting here looking at me. There are still piles of things every where that need to be put away. I had my laundry done and now it's in my laundry bag staring at me. I have a design due next Wednesday that I haven't even started. My friend J.S. is coming to visit and I need to do things like clean the bathroom and kitchen and make sure that there's at least a path to the bed, which should have clean sheets. All of this and I want to sleep all day. Ugh. So I guess I'll go to bed now. Set the alarm and try to get up by at least 10:00 a.m. At least.

As for today, one of the highlights was seeing a guy with a mullet on the subway. You don't see those every day here, and it looked just as out of place here as you might imagine. He had some sort of rock star hair thing going on, it just wasn't working. And indeed the back was a mullet. I tried not to stare but it was hard. He didn't seem to notice which was good because I'm sure he and his friends could have beat the crap out of me.

2006-11-10T01:26:00.000-05:00

I did a very New York touristy thing last night. I went to see the Rockettes in the Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Spectacular. My friend S.H. is an assistant designer on the show and was given a number of free tickets for the their final dress rehearsal. I had never seen the Rockettes nor even been in the Music Hall. It was stunning to say the least.

The Radio City Music Hall is a beautiful place to behold. I was talking to someone about it today and we were talking about the fact that there will never be a place built like that again. It's art deco design is just as stunning today as I am sure it was in 1932 when it opened. As for the Rockettes, they were equally stunning. Fifty girls dancing in exact precision was amazing. Of course it helps that they all look exactly alike and are the same exact height. The show itself is about 45 minutes too long. They cover all of the Christmas shows including Babes In Toyland, The Nutcracker and even a little Grinch. It's all beautiful just a little long. And the whole thing could have been done without the religious component at the end. Don't get me wrong the living nativity was great, but the endless praise of Christianity was a bit much. Christ was a great man, but too much evil has been done in his name to support the hype that was given at the show.

Tonight my roommate was invited to see a series of one acts called Trichotomy being produced by Fly By Night Theater. I would say run don't walk as fast as you can...in the other direction. There was nothing redeeming about this show at all. The acting was uneven and often over the top. The direction was almost non-existent. The production values were awful. The writing could have used some serious editing. The whole show seemed to have been thrown together at the last minute with little thought to what was trying to be done. All three shows were too long. The first show which could have been very funny went on about 25 minutes longer than it's comedy did. The second show was just awful. I have no idea what it was about. My roommate had no idea what it was about. And a women we met at the show had no idea what it was about. The third show was so overwritten and poorly directed that the talent shown by the lead male Dominic Sahagun was lost. There is too much theatre being done in NYC to waste your time on these shows.

That's it for me being critical tonight. Tomorrow I have to get up early and work my ass off to get my apartment in order. My friend J.S. is coming to stay with me for a few days next week and I want the place done. That means everything in it designated place, pictures on the wall, bathroom clean, laundry put away. The works. There's not a lot left to do, I have just been lazy this week. So tomorrow I am up early and working my butt off so that I don't have to stress all weekend.

2006-11-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

After 12 years of being out of contact with each other S.A. and I finally spoke on the phone tonight. It was just as I had hoped it would be. We talked as though it had been only 12 days since we last talked. I posted on here a couple of days ago about my friend S.A. who had disappeared off the face of the earth. We last spoke in 1995. I had just moved to Cincinnati to teach high school and she was on her way to Texas to get married. Who knows what happened, and in truth it doesn't matter. We lost each other. But tonight we were reunited.

A lot has happened in the past 12 years for both of us. S.A. became S.W. Unfortunately the marriage didn't work out. But she now has a beautiful 10 year old son. This is S.A. who could barely keep a plant alive and now she's being trusted with another human being. She had cancer and had to have a kidney removed. She moved from Texas to Florida. She quit her career for a "regular" job so that she would have more time to spend with her son. She almost cut her foot off with a lawn mower. She visited NYC for the first time 2 years ago and can't wait to come back for a visit.

It was hard for both of us to decide what we should tell first. We wanted to say it all, and yet needed to tell the important stuff first. I told her about the death of my father. About moving from Cincinnati, to New York, to California, back to New York, and about my new teaching job. I told her about almost dying when my appendix exploded in 2003. I told her about grad school. I talked a little about being in NYC during 9-11 and having to relocate from my apartment. We talked politics. Something we never did when we knew each other before, but we found comfort in knowing that we were both on the same side of the fence.

The conversation flowed effortlessly. I walked as we talked and without even thinking covered almost 40 blocks. After 90 minutes I finally said that I had to go. That I was at my subway stop and the train was waiting. I think in many ways we were both afraid to hang up. For me I was afraid that it would be another 12 years until we talked again. I confessed this to her. We both agreed to talk again this weekend. I'm sure it will happen. She is one of the special people. She has always had a good heart and I am honored to call her my friend. I am glad she's back in my life.

2006-11-05T23:36:00.000-05:00

I realized last night as I was getting ready for bed that S.A. is not the only person from my past who has contacted me in the last few months. In fact she is number 5. Two people found me through the web site that I have set up for my design work. One person found me through a mutual friend. And two people have found me through My Space. It makes me wish that I had created my web site and joined these web groups earlier. But who was to know it would rekindle old friendships. As I said last night, I have a love-hate relationship with the internet but for right now I am deeply in love.

I have had a great day. I got up early this morning and went to Ikea. Don't worry Ur-Spo I wore my alien deflector hat again. I needed to get more metal shelves to put in my bedroom. I have a very typical NYC apartment. It has lots of character and charm and almost no closet space. I do however, have tall ceilings so I am putting shelves in a number of places to store clothes and things. I am a keeper of things so I have a lot of "stuff" that has to be put someplace. Actually, my roommate and I are perfect for each other. He keeps nothing, I keep everything. We would make a great couple if only we were attracted to each other. So I went to Ikea. The nice thing about NYC is that there is a service for everything. So to get to the Ikea in Elizabeth, New Jersey you just go down to the Port Authority and hop on a free shuttle bus and in 30 minutes you are there. You follow the maze in the store, buy your furniture du jour and then haul it out to the bus and you are on your way. And if it's too heavy to carry you can pay a fee and they'll deliver it for you. In all it takes about 5 hours door to door to get there. But it's so worth it. The shelves look great, are cheap, and they fit exactly where I need them to go.

The thing that wasn't so nice about the trip to Ikea was that A.L. mentioned his wanting to be in a relationship with me. A.L. is my friend who drove cross country with me and didn't talk for 5 of the 6 days we were on the road. That might explain his shyness. He mentioned his attraction to me on the last day of the trip. I was polite but played it off. I don't think he got the message. So today we were talking about my new job prospect and the fact that I might be moving to the midwest for 4 months to teach. And he starts pointing out all the reasons it would be a bad idea. I finally stopped and asked him if his reasons were based on the fact that he would miss me and then he confessed. Yes, to a degree. Don't get me wrong I like the attention and I am flattered. But dating A.L. is wrong for a number of reasons. First, I'm not attracted to him. Second, we belong to an organization where dating between members is discouraged. Third, he's 15 years older than me. Fourth, he's HIV+, and although I don't have a problem with that. Two of my last three boyfriends were HIV+ and I've told myself I didn't want to do that again. Perhaps if it was Mr. Right. But not A.L. Fifth, the conversation doesn't flow with us. We have nice conversations but it's not the way two people who have a thing for each other talk. I could go on but I think you get the point. Unfortunately, I am afraid that I am going to have to stop hanging out with him to make him get the picture. But we'll see.

I feel like I am all over the place tonight. But the last thing I'll talk about is my job offer. A couple of days ago I posted about a job that I had sort of applied for in the midwest. Actually I didn't apply. I was ask if I was interested. I said I was. I was ask to send a C.V. I did. Two days later the Dean of Students calls to offer me the job. I didn't interview. I didn't even seek the job out. And now it's mine. If I want it. I told them I would let them know on Monday. Tomorrow. I am going to do it. It only makes sense. The pay is quite nice, for only teaching two classes with no other responsibilities. The classes are taught on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays so I can get home for the weekend if I need to have a break. Speaking of breaks there's two weeks of spring break exactly half way through. And the most important thing. It's a great school and the resume credit would certainly open some doors for me. The drawbacks. The school is in a city of 9,200 people and it's more than an hour away from the nearest big city. And I won't have a car so it might make it a little difficult to get to the big city should I want to go. But I think I can deal with all of that. And the town is in a red state which sorta makes me nervous. But what can I do. So tomorrow, I am going to call them and accept. So very soon, you'll be hearing all about the adventures of Professor Maddog from the middle of the country.

Have a great week.

2006-11-05T00:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I hate the internet. It's so impersonal. And with emails, instant messages, and now blogs there's no reason at all to leave the house and go out into the "real" world and see people. I used to love checking the mail because there was always the possibility of getting a letter. I don't remember the last time I got a letter. Even cards are a thing of the past with new e-Cards. And although I appreciate getting them, it's not the same as having had someone take the time to go and pick out a card and drop it in the mail in order for you to have it the day before your birthday. Yes, sometimes I hate the internet.

But not today. Today I was contacted by a very dear friend who had disappeared off the face of the earth ten years ago or so. She contacted me because I have a really stupid My Space account. I signed up for it on a whim and never use it. In fact the only reason I go to My Space is because I have another friend who blogs using it. I'm assuming that S.A. did a search for me and found my sight. She left a message asking if it was me and telling me to contact her if it was. I did and now I wait. The fact that we are so close to being in touch excites me to no end.

I don't even remember how we lost touch. In the late 80's we were friend in Atlanta. We waited tables at the same restaurant and became instant friends. She was the worst waitress I had ever met. She was sweet and friendly but she was always dropping things, or forgetting things, or losing money or something. But it didn't stop us from being friends. In fact for two months in April/May 1989 I shared her studio apartment with her. After that I moved back to Kentucky and we talked as often as we could. In 1992 I went to visit her in Miami where she had moved to be closer to her family. My boyfriend S.G. and I spent a week with her and had an amazing time. In fact our vacation was cut short because while we were there, we were asked to evacuate because of the impending threat of hurricane Andrew. Right after the storm S.A. moved to Hawaii to become a nanny. She lived there until 1995 when she married a guy in the army and moved to Colorado. I spoke to her just before the move. Not long after this, I moved to Cincinnati. We haven't spoken since. Nothing happened we just became lost to each other. There have been countless time that I have Googled her. And nothing. She shares the same last name of a famous author so unfortunately any hits are always about him. Now I am on pins and needles waiting for her to respond. I can hardly wait and of course I'll keep you posted.

2006-11-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

Three anxiety attacks now in less than a week. I had another one tonight. This one wasn't as severe but it lasted longer. I was feeling the symptoms for about 3 hours. I finally took the subway home and by the time I got here it was almost gone. These things are not fun. I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin and sitting still is next to impossible. I did see my doctor today and he's increased my anti-depressant medication and gave me a small prescription of Ativan to help for the more serious attacks. I am hoping to not have to use it. What I have read on line about the drug makes it sound serious and I am not sure that it's what I want. Of course I say that now. Another intense attack like last Friday and I'll pop the whole bottle. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Halloween is gone in the city. It's amazing how fast the signs of it disappeared. I ran errands most of the morning and I didn't see a single pumpkin, ghost, sign...anything. Of course, everywhere I looked was Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. But since it's after Halloween and Thanksgiving doesn't count I guess that's okay. I'm actually a little excited about Christmas this year. My roommate C.Z. and I have already discussed putting up a tree. We are both for it. I don't know how big it will be but I do know my decorations haven't been out of the box since 2001 and the prospect of a tree excites me. When it happens of course I'll post pictures.

2006-10-31T23:58:00.000-05:00

I had another anxiety attack tonight. I was walking through the crowds on 23rd Street trying to get to the subway when it started. The difference tonight was that I was able to recognize what was happening and think through it. I forced myself to just breath deep and meditate. The physical symptoms didn't go away but it definitely made them lessen. The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes or so. Thank god the subway wasn't crowded tonight and I was able to sit with my eyes closed and try to stop the effects. For the most part it worked.

Luckily, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'll discuss with him what's been happening. What I am hoping that's different this time is waking up depressed tomorrow. Last Friday I woke up in the funk of all funks and I really don't want to deal with that tomorrow. I have way too much to do.

On the good news front. I applied for a teaching job today in the Midwest. Actually, the school has sought me out. I got an email last week asking me if I would be interested in the job. Turns out someone I had worked with about 10 years ago, now teaches there and thought I would be perfect for a position that's opening up in the spring. It would only be for the spring semester but I think it would be perfect for me for the moment and would be a good position to have on my resume. That being said, I don't have all the details so I'm not 100% that I will take it if it's offered to me. I'll keep you guys posted on how it proceeds.

The city was a zoo tonight. The Halloween Parade happened as always but I was smart enough to steer clear of it. My favorite part of the evening though was the topless girls standing in front of the Comfort Diner where my friends and I were gathering to eat. They were exposed for the world to see. One of the girls was quite skinny and had normal size breasts. The other girl was about 300 pounds and was huge. Let me repeat. HUGE. For a moment I was scared for my life, until A.L. convinced me I had nothing to worry about. Maybe this is what triggered my anxiety attack. Of course tonight was the one night that I didn't have my camera with me but trust me they were huge.

2006-10-31T00:26:00.000-05:00

I'll sleep well tonight knowing that I don't live in one of the more dangerous cities in the U.S. In fact NYC was only 145 out of 371. I would have guessed us to be far more dangerous than many of the cities that were included. In fact, my hometown of Lexington, Kentucky is less safe than NYC. I don't quite know what to make of that. I have always thought that I was from small town America, home of baseball and apple pie. A place where you could leave the front door open if you wanted, and that turns out not to be true. What's the world coming to?

By chance anyone reading this tonight catch Rick Santorum on Headline News. I was reading and typing and only half listening, but I could have sworn I heard him distancing himself from the President. Can that be true? I mean surely he knows that as a good Christian man he can only get to heaven worshiping, I mean supporting President Bush. Once again, what's the world coming to?

That's it for my soap box tonight. Have a SSSCCCAAARRRYYYY Halloween. Be safe.

2006-10-30T00:17:00.000-05:00

I was walking down the street tonight running some errands when I thought of something that I wanted to post about. It was something that I saw on the street that I realized I wanted to comment on. I told myself to jot it down in the journal I carry as soon as I got to a place to stop.
I'm now at that place and for the life of me I have no idea what I wanted to post on. I'm sure it would have been life changing for all of my readers. It would have solved all of your problems and made you rich as well. But alas, that will not be since I wasn't smart enough to write the idea down when I had it. I guess I've learned a lesson here.

2006-10-28T00:48:00.000-04:00

I've been depressed all day. Most of you know I'm not new to depression but the medication I take keeps it in check. Today however, I woke up feeling depressed unlike I have felt in a while. I am sure that it's got something to do with the anxiety attack that I had last night. A residual side effect if you will. Luckily I am aware of my situation enough to know that this will pass. However, in the meantime I have to suffer through this feeling of uselessness and worthlessness and wait to feel better. Don't worry though, I have already called my doctor and I have an appointment next Thursday to discuss what's been going on. I just have to make it till then.

When I first woke up this morning I realized that I felt like crap, so I closed my eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep. I finally crawled out of bed at noon. I only got up then because I had to. I was scheduled to have lunch with my friend M.L. So I got ready and headed downtown. We usually meet at the Starbucks at Sheridan Square on Seventh Avenue and then decide where we are going. I got there about ten minutes early and waited. He finally showed (he's always a little late) and I was informed that there was no time for lunch. He had at most 30 minutes he could give me. I was devastated. Now I know that I am overreacting, but when your depressed everything holds meaning. So we sat down, he had coffee and I had iced tea. And we chatted. He told me about work. He's just been promoted to president of his company so work is kicking his butt...in a good way. And I told him about what was going on with me. M.L. is a no nonsense kind of guy. You got a problem. You develop a plan and you deal with it. I don't work that way. So he laid out all the things I needed to do to get my life in order. I mostly nodded and said sure. He of course never looks at the reasons that his plan won't work. That's for other people to deal with, not him. I love him dearly but by the time we were through I was a mess. My depression was worse and I had no idea how to make it better.

I decided that maybe I needed to escape for a little while. I discovered many years ago that when I get into these ruts going to the movies is a "safe" place to hide out for a while so that I don't get into trouble. So I walked up to 23rd Street to see what was playing at the movies. I had just missed the movie I wanted to see and nothing else was starting anytime soon. So I headed across the street to the other theatre. On my way there I ran into my friend D.J. D.J. is an ex-boyfriend although I use the term lightly. We dated ever so briefly until I realized that he was crazy. Then I ended it. We have remained friends althought we haven't talked much since I moved to San Diego. D.J. and I wandered through Chelsea and finally decided to get coffee. So we found a place and settled in and chatted. In truth he's as crazy as he ever was. He over analyzes everything and can't just "feel" his feelings. He a great guy but it takes effort to be around him for long periods of time.

D.J. and I said our good-byes and by that time I was starving. It was almost 4:00 and I hadn't eaten all day. So I headed up the street to a little diner that my friends and I often frequent to grab a sandwich. As I walked through the door I say D.B and headed over to say hi. I was about half way there when he said "He's here." It took a second but then I realized that he meant D.L.C. Oh, Shit!!! Today was the last day that I needed to run into that asshole. It's been more than two years since I have seen him and I know eventually I'll have to face that demon. But not today. Not the way I was feeling. I ducked into D.B.'s booth and hid. I sat there shaking on the verge of another anxiety attack. D.B. calmed me down and we chatted while he waited for his lunch date to arrive. I stayed hidden in the booth until the date got there and then I ducked out.

By the time I left the restaurant I was shaking and miserable. I wandered. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I had a couple of hours still to waste until my plans for the evening. Finally I found myself in a different diner where I finally got something to eat. I was still out of it but was able to get down some food. I was finally calming down. I met back up with D.B. later and we talked about what had happened. He was very understanding.

After seeing D.B. I met up with my roommate C.Z. We had plans for a very New York evening. C.Z. had been invited to the viewing of a short movie in a swanky NYC apartment in midtown. So we headed to midtown grabbed a quick bite to eat (this was several hours later) and headed to the party. The building was a high rise on the newer side with a very efficient doorman ushering people into the building. I should probably point out at this point that the last thing I wanted to do tonight after my day was go to a party where I didn't know anyone and try and be social. We got to the party and it was exactly as I had thought it would be. I was older than most of the people in the room by 15 years. They all appeared to be actors. C.Z. and I said our hellos to the host, dropped our jackets in the tiny bedroom with the gorgeous view and then I found a very nice corner to hide in. I spoke to people who happened by me, but strategically that didn't amount to many people.

The movie was finally started. It was only 25 minutes long and could have been very funny. Unfortunately, I thought it was about 23 minutes longer than it needed to be and wanted it to end almost as soon as it started. As soon as it was over the applause went on and on. I have been at operas with less applause. The director said his thank you's introduced his team and then the party started again. I resumed holding down my corner of the room until C.Z. was ready to go and then we made our way home. It wasn't an awful party and I know under different circumstance I would have had much better time. What I did like about the entire evening is that it was so NYC.

That's it for my day. I hope I haven't bored you guys to tears but I needed to share what was going on with me.

2006-10-26T23:51:00.000-04:00

I had a panic attack tonight. In fact I am still shaking a bit and my fingers and toes are still tingling. At one point I thought I was going to collapse on the subway platform. It took all of my strength to force myself to go into the station and get on the train. I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. If I had had someplace to go to wait it out I would have, but I didn't know where to go and I felt like I needed to hide and the best place to do that was in my room at home. By the time I got off the train the attack was mostly gone except for the lingering side effects. I made my way home, and collapsed in a chair in the living room. My roommate was giving me grief about something I did today and after a deep breath I told him what was happening. He was quite kind. He asked me if I was okay and we chatted for more than an hour. Now except for the shaking and the tingling the effects are gone. I have no idea what triggered it or how to make sure it doesn't happen again. I do know this, it's not fun and I don't want to do it again soon.

2006-10-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

I've sneezed at least 60 or 70 times today. No kidding. My allergies kicked in around noon today and haven't stopped since. I finally found my Claritin around 2:30 or so and after about an hour or so it stopped the sneezing but my nose is still running and I feel like I'm half out of it. At one point today I felt like I was going to fall over I was in such a weird state. I'll take more Claritin before bed and hope that I wake up feeling better.

Of course the problem is all the dust being stirred up from unpacking. My apartment is still a mess with piles everywhere. It seems as though I just move the piles from one room to another placing one or two items where they go as I do it. Today I put together a bookcase that I bought from Ikea (don't worry Ur-Spo I wore my special alien repellent hat so that I wouldn't be abducted) and continued working on my bedroom. Turns out there's a floor in there after all.

The weight was 282 today. Now I don't really think that I lost two pounds in the last 24 hours but I'll take what I can get. I have been trying to be healthy. Tonight for dinner I had a cup of split pea soup and a Caesar salad with grilled chicken. I figure that if I can keep this up then 1 year from now I'll weight 185 lbs. again. Thanks for those that have given support, it has meant a lot to me.

Only 6 more days till Halloween.

2006-10-24T23:50:00.000-04:00

I am still tired today, but much better than yesterday. I am actually starting to feel like a normal person again. I got up at 9:00 a.m. this morning, made coffee, and started unpacking my boxes. My friends A.L. and F.M. came by around 11:00 a.m. and helped. Between the three of us about 75% of the boxes were emptied. That's not to say it's all put away, but it's out of the box and I can see what it is and over the next couple of days I'll work on getting things where they go.

Of course my bedroom is still a mess. The boxes aren't piled so high but there's still just a path to my bed. A.L. is coming over again tomorrow and that's our project. We are going to get the furniture arranged in my bedroom and start putting my clothes away. More importantly, we are going to find me a jacket to wear. It's been cold as &*$@ here and I have been freezing without a jacket. I found my scarf today but that's not a lot of good against the cold. I figure if we spend three of four hours tomorrow we should be able to make some progress.

It's funny whenever I am unpacking, it's almost like Christmas. You never know what your going to find in the box that you open. Sometimes it's what you are looking for, sometimes it's something that you forgot about, sometimes it's not what you want at all. At least nobody opened the boxes with porn in it today. Of course it took all day to find the box with the clips that support the shelves in my bookcase. We couldn't unpack the books until the shelves were in and we couldn't install the shelves until we found the clips. The day was winding down before I finally found the box they were in. But the books are on the shelves now, the DVD's are in place, the CD's are unloaded. Now I just have to convince my roommate C.Z. to alphabetize them.

One of the first things I unpacked today was the box with the bathroom scale in it. I haven't stepped on the scale for almost six months. Partly because it's been packed away and partly because I was scared of what it would say. So after my friends left today, I took off my shoes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it sucked all the same. I was expecting something around 300 lbs. but it was only 284. Only 284. That's not a lot. Who the fuck am I kidding. I have never been so fat in my life. I don't even know how I got this way. Three years ago, I was 180 lbs., in the best shape of my life. Now I breathe hard if I walk up too many flights of stairs.

Long story short I am tired of the weight. I am tired of not being able to wear my clothes. I am tired of being embarrassed to walk into a room. I am tired of not wanting to meet new people. I am tired. So I am going to do something about it. I have eaten very well the last two days. I am going to rejoin the gym. I am going to write down everything that I eat. I am going to stay away from the stuff I know is not good for me. I am going to watch the carbs. And the fats. And the starches. I know how to do this. I have done it before. It's just right now the task is so huge it's overwhelming. It seems like I'll never be skinny again so why bother. I hate being fat and I want to be skinny today. Right now. Someone tell me how to snap my fingers and make the inner-tube around my middle disappear. Please.

Over the next several months I'll be using my blog to track my progress. So some encouragement from you guys would be greatly appreciated. I know it's a long haul but I can do it. I just need to remember that.

2006-10-24T00:41:00.000-04:00

Today has been one of the longest days ever. I am exhausted. I don't have the energy to even get up and go to bed. I slept until almost noon today. At that point I got up and moved to the sofa where I dozed off and on for another two hours. At which point I turned the T.V. off and went back to bed where I stayed until 4:00. And I am still tired. I did managed to shower and head down to Chelsea to go to a meeting and then have dinner with some friends. I got home about 10:30 and I feel as if I haven't slept in days. Can't imagine what the problem is. I am hoping that another good night's sleep and I'll feel a little more normal. I can't waste too many more days since I have to get all my things put away and find a job and well get on with my life.

I promise I'll write something more interesting tomorrow night.

2006-10-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

3,058.6 miles. That's how far I've traveled in the last seven days. That's a lot of miles. The trip took me through 13 states and some of the most beautiful scenery imaginable. It's truly amazing to drive across the country and watch the view from the car change. Desert, plains, mountains, farmland, cities. Drive six hours and for the most part what you are looking at has changed completely. For my money New Mexico and Pennsylvania were the best. The desert in New Mexico with it's layers of color and sparse vegetation, and the miles of trees in Pennsylvania painted their fall yellows and reds. It's a trip that I would make again without even thinking about it.

A.L. and I got home around 2 p.m. this morning. We drove 17 hours yesterday. We left Kentucky and the rain around 9:30 a.m., drove north through Ohio, then turned east through Pennsylvania, New Jersey, across the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan. The incredible thing about yesterday was that A.L. and I talked for the whole trip. As we were leaving yesterday morning I confessed that I couldn't drive in the silence if I was going to drive all the way to NYC. A.L. asked me what I was talking about and I shared that I didn't like not talking as we traveled. He admitted at this point that he was reluctant to share with me because he thought I would think his stories were stupid. I laughed at him and told him that even if they were stupid I wanted to hear them. So we began talking and didn't stop until we got home. We played a game where we took turns asking each other questions. The questions could be about anything and we had to answer. The only catch was the person asking had to provide an answer as well to the question. The questions covered childhood, sex (of course) family, school, work, boyfriends, etc. Some of the questions were easy, some took thought, and some required confessing deep dark secrets. It was fun and I feel like I really know this guy now. It has really deepened our friendship. I only wish I had mentioned this 5 days ago.

Now that I am in NYC the task in front of me is unpacking the 50+ boxes that I brought with me. My bedroom is stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and there is barely a path to my bed. It took an hour of organizing to even make room for the bed. But tomorrow I'll attack them and hopefully by this time next week everything will be put away...or at least on it's way.

I've only had about 3 hours of sleep...so if there are typos, mispelled words, or something doesn't make sense, forgive me.

2006-10-18T23:57:00.000-04:00

Oh the sun shines bright on my Old Kentucky Home,
It's summer the darkies are gay...

Ah nothing like the sounds of my youth to make me miss home. Actually the words to the song were changed a while ago, but occasionally you will see the lyrics in print and they'll be the original version. Of course the question I have is are they really gay? Or just happy? Or both? It changes the meaning of the song if you think about them being gay...but I digress.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my song of the day. But I am from Kentucky and we were/are a southern state. And if you are in the area for more than about 5 minutes you'll hear someone use the "n" word. Usually someone in my family. But that's a post for a different day.

I am in Kentucky. I drove in from Springfield, MO where A.L. and I spent the night. The trip in today was fine. Not much traffic except in the larger cities and the road construction was kept to a minimum. Of course I am all about knowing exactly how far the construction goes. In Missouri the flashing road signs tell you in minutes how far till the work will be over. The weather for the whole trip has been perfect. It's been sunny and warm (except in Flagstaff, Sunday night) and the sky has been clear. Perfect weather for crossing the country and looking at the sights.

A.L. was the same today. I only timed the quiet once today. We went about 65 minutes in silence only to have the quiet broken with an offer of trail mix. A comment from yesterday suggested I tell a dirty joke or ask questions to get the conversation going. Trust me I have tried this. The exchange will last a couple of minutes and then it will fade off into the distance. In four days of driving he's told only one story. It took about 30 minutes and that was that. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today in NYC and mentioned the silence. He laughed and told me he had wondered how that would turn out. Seems A.L. is quiet with him as well and he was curious about how the quiet would be for 7 days in a truck.

One of the things I also wanted to put into the post last night but forgot was that we can't even look for cute boys (especially truckers). It seems that if a guy doesn't fit A.L.'s exact requirement for a boyfriend then the guys not attractive. I have seen 100's of boys that were cute, not perfect but cute, and each time he'll say sorry he's not my type I don't find him attractive at all. The night before we left, we were flipping channels on T.V. and came across a movie with Montgomery Clift. The boy was hot. Those eyes, those lips. That look. A.L. immediately disagreed with me. "He's not my type, he's not cute. I understand that we all have different types. But I also know that there are a million beautiful guys out there that aren't my type. I try to see the beauty in most people...especially cute boys.
Long story short I have stopped trying to even have these conversations with him.

So I am in Kentucky for 36 hours. I got here at 10 tonight and I leave first thing Friday morning. Tomorrow is going to be spent seeing relatives and doing errands for my mom. Her lawn needs to be mowed and the ceiling fan in the kitchen needs to be replaced. I'm surprised she hasn't done both by herself but she's 67 and doesn't get around as well as she used to. So I am going to do as much for her as I can. I'm trying to talk her into letting me take the piano that's in the living room. No one plays it here and anymore and I would love to have a piano in my apartment in NYC. If only I can talk her into it.

That's it for now.

2006-10-18T01:19:00.000-04:00

Me: Are you still cold?
A.L.: Why do you want to stop for food?
Me: Huh?
A.L. Huh?
Me: Are you still cold?
A.L.: Uh, oh...no, I'm good.

That's a conversation I had today with my travel companion A.L. I found out today thru much prodding that he's only ever been on one other road trip in his entire 55 year life. This explains a lot.

I am at the end of my third day on the road, driving from San Diego to New York with all of my belongings. I discovered about 2 hours into my trip that my selection of a travel companion was not good. It turns out that A.L. has only been in a car for more than 2 hours one other time in his life. He's not tuned into the nuances of being a passenger on a road trip.

First, he doesn't talk. Today he spoke 4 sentences in 80 minutes. I know because I timed it. I was bored and the quiet was killing me. The radio in the truck doesn't work and so we are left entertaining ourselves. That's where the talking comes in. 12 hours a day in a truck without a radio means that you have to entertain each other. A.L. doesn't embrace this idea. He spends hours staring out the windows but not talking. If I ask a question to start the conversation he answers in the briefest form possible and returns to staring out the window. Tonight while I was timing the quiet, the conversation above took place. About 20 minutes later he announced that we were almost to Missouri. And then he said something else about 15 minutes later that I don't remember. None of this would be bad if the radio were working but when you've been staring at the road for hour after hour and it's dark and you're tired and your eyes won't stay focused it's up to the passenger to keep the driver awake.

Second, he's not very good at navigating. When he's not staring out the window he's looking at the map. We have a TripTik from AAA so reading the map is easy. And still he can't do it. Today we had a 5 minute discussion about how much further it was to Oklahoma City. He said it was 70 miles, I said it was 104. He insisted saying that we had just passed some small town and it was 70 miles from there. I pointed out that the sign we had just passed said it was 30+ miles to said small town and 104 miles to Oklahoma City. I was finally able to prove my point when we passed the next mileage sign. To make matters worse he's not even good at telling me if I am clear to go or not. It's sometimes hard to see to the right in the truck so I'll ask if the road is clear or not. Today he kept telling me no, so I waited and waited and nothing came. So I asked again and again he said no. I waited and waited and nothing came. I ask him if he was sure and he pointed to a car and said yes he was sure. I then realized he wasn't letting me go because of cars that weren't even on my road. Ugh!!! Then today when we were driving through Oklahoma City during rush hour rather than help me navigate the road he decided getting pictures of downtown were more important so he thrust himself out the window making it completely impossible to see the mirrors or anything to the right. I had to pull him in and explain that if I couldn't see I couldn't drive.

What I have discovered is that A.L. is non-participatory in the trip. He's here to ride and that's it. He doesn't want to make any decisions, help in any way or well participate. This would have been fine if I had known this going into it. But I was expecting some help. I should point out at this point that I have refused to let him drive. Turns out that he hasn't driven anything in over 5 years and I didn't think a 26' Penske truck was the place to learn. Especially when my life and belongings were in the mix.

That's it for my whining for the night. I'll shut up now and be thankful that I am not making this trip by myself. I am in Springfield, Missouri tonight. Drove from Amarillo to Springfield with a pit stop in Tulsa so I could interview for a project that I am hoping to do next summer. It looks like it's mine if I want it so I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow we drive from here to Lexington, Kentucky. I am spending tomorrow night and all day on Thursday at my mom's house. It's the first time I've been home since Christmas so I'll stop by do some errands for her, see some relatives and be on my way on Friday. Should be in NYC by late Friday night at the earliest or early Sunday morning at the latest. As I have an internet connection, I'll keep you posted.

2006-10-17T02:04:00.000-04:00

Texas smells like cow shit. At least Amarillo does.

That has been my experience so far.

I am at the end of day two of my cross country trip. I am currently in Amarillo, Texas. As I mentioned it smells kind of funny. It's also a little scary. A.L. and I stopped for dinner at Applebee's tonight. The place was filled with rednecks. And I'd swear everyone turned and looked at us as we walked in. It also didn't help that I had to ask for the manager to get served. We showed up a few minutes before 11:00 and were told that the restaurant had just closed. When I asked for the manager the story changed. I sat there during dinner thinking they were going to beat the crap out of us before we left.

My trip started Sunday morning. A.L. and I woke up early, finished packing the truck and then headed out. We started by stopping at Ikea so that I could pick up a bookcase and some shelves for my new apartment. From there we headed north on I-15. If you're from Southern California that's THE 15. We drove north to Barstow where we met my friend T.M. who was driving south from Las Vegas. We grabbed a quick lunch at Denny's and laughed over T.M.'s vacation and my upcoming trip and then we were on our way.

From Barstow we continued north to I-40 (THE 40) and then headed east. We continued east to Winslow, Arizona. Winslow from the looks of the town is a little on the depressed side. It's run down and has definitely seen better days. However, in the middle of downtown right on Route 66 is a hotel called La Posada. It's an old railroad hotel that has been renovated in recent years and is now having a boom in this little town. The hotel was created in the 20's and 30's to serve the railroad passengers that stopped there. During it's busier times the restaurants there would serve over 3,000 meals a day. During the 60's and 70's the hotel was used as an office by the railroad. They sold off all of the furniture that had been designed for the space, then added linoleum and drop ceilings and made it look like every other office building in the country. The offices closed in the 90's and the hotel was supposed to be torn down. But a couple of guys stepped in and convinced the city, state and some investors that it should be saved and now it's a booming hotel. The hotel is beautiful and charming and it's like stepping back in time to stay there. A.L. and I stayed in the John Wayne Suite. It was small but comfortable and I would stay there again in a heart beat.

We got up this morning, toured the hotel and it's many rooms, ate breakfast and then were on our way. We continued on I-40 east on into New Mexico. We stopped for lunch in Albuquerque. Then continued on into Texas. We are now in Amarillo. The drive has been beautiful so far. The scenery is to die for. The desert is amazing with all of the rock formations and plants. New Mexico is easily the most beautiful of the three states we have been in, unfortunately their roads suck. We were in road construction most of the way east. Of course Texas is a close second so I'll let you know tomorrow how the rest of the state is.

Tomorrow we head on into Oklahoma and then turn north. I'll report tomorrow night how that segment of the trip goes. In the meantime, I can't wait to get to New York. My biggest current problem is where to park the truck when I get to the city until the movers can come and unload it. If anyone has any suggestions let me know.

That's it for now, will report more tomorrow.

2006-10-14T04:14:00.000-04:00

Today is my 100th post. I started this blog as a way to document my return to New York. I think it has become more. I use it as way to journal. I use it as a way to vent. To ask questions. To share my life. I am not always sure if I am writing for my readers or for myself. I started out thinking I would only write for me and if no one read it so be it. Now I worry about what people who don't know me will think about me. I think I'll have to learn to balance the two although I have shared some things with my readers that most people don't know about me.

As for today. I have one more day left in San Diego. I have to be up at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to get my rental truck from Penske. At 10:00 I have about 12 people showing up to transfer my belongings from T.M.'s garage to my truck. I am hoping that it will only take about 2 hours. Then I am treating them all to lunch and beer. Trust me it's the least I can do. After the truck is loaded I have to return my stolen rental car and then I am hanging out with A.N. and A.L. for the rest of the day.

Sunday morning A.L. hit the road east. Actually we are going to Ikea first so I can buy a book case then we are hitting the road. We are taking the 15 north to I-40 then heading east. We plan to get to Winslow, AZ by the end of the first day. Mostly because we want to stay in the La Posada Hotel there. For two reasons. It looks cool and it's cheap. From there we continue east through New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York. I plan to sleep in my own bed next Sunday night. We could actually get there faster but A.L. and I have decided to take our time and enjoy the trip. I plan to take my camera and document the journey so I'll be posting pictures this week showing all the sights that we see. You guys should let me know if there's anything I should make a point to stop and see/do. Just remember that I'll be in a 22 foot truck so it's not easy getting off the beaten path.

2006-10-12T04:22:00.000-04:00

My project in San Diego is done. I finished up at around 4:00 this afternoon. Packed up my computer, said my goodbyes and left. It feels good. I called a few people and sang my "I'm done" song. It was silly, but it's the way I felt. This project has been anything but rewarding and I'm quite sure I won't be working with this team again. It will be a mutual understanding that we'll all be happy with.

My friend A.L. arrived here today. He flew in from San Francisco where he'd been for a a couple of days. He's from NYC and has nicely agreed to drive cross country with me when I leave on Sunday. I'll be in a 22 foot Penske truck, with all of my belongings. It will be the 4th time I have driven cross country and the second time in a truck. It's actually not all that bad and it's the only way I can afford to get my things back to NYC. It won't be the end of the world and we are taking our time so we'll be able to stop in a couple of places along the way and enjoy the sights. If we drove it straight through I could do it in 4 days but I'm expecting it to take 6 or 7. Either way in two weeks I'll be sleeping in my own bed again, which I haven't done in almost 4 months. I can't wait.

I enjoyed writing yesterday's post on coming out. I hadn't thought about my story in a long time. Actually I don't remember the last time I discussed it. I don't like to dwell in the past but I think it's very important to visit every once in a while to kind of figure out where I've been. Last night was such a visit. As I was writing I realized that even though I am from Kentucky, which is a conservative state, I have never had a negative reaction from anyone I told that I was gay. I had a couple of friends get mad at me for taking so long to clue them in, but no one has ever dismissed me, disowned me, or turned away from me. I count myself one of the lucky ones.

When I lived in Atlanta right after college, my parents came down for Thanksgiving two years in a row. My mother brought all the fixin's and we had dinner at my house. Both years I invited friends that had no other place to go and both years that included friends who had been thrown out of their houses. One particular friend Paul was thrown out with none of his belongings and no money. He was told to get out and not to come back. He hadn't spoken to his family since that day and that was several years early. He had just finished high school when this happened. For all of my parents faults I can't ever imagine them saying that to my brother and me for just about anything we would do. They might not like it but they would love us anyway.

It makes me realize how lucky I am sometimes. I haven't always gotten along with my family, and my extended family drives me crazy. But at the end of the day they are accepting of who I am and what I am. They don't understand me, and probably never will. I mean really, who reads books? And goes to school? On purpose. They are already predicting that I'll be back in school in another couple of years. Unfortunately they are the only family I have. And in some weird twisted way I love them. I don't always show it, but I do.

2006-10-11T04:41:00.000-04:00

I was reading through the blogs I read tonight trying to comment a little more than I have been because I don't have to be up early tomorrow. Kelly over at Rambling Along In Life was discussing that today, October 11th is National Coming Out Day. I knew that it was coming but it had completely slipped my mind. In fact I hardly ever think about coming out of the closet because I have been out for so long. So in honor of the occasion I thought I would share my story.

I have known I liked boys for as long as I can remember. I first learned the term "gay" when I was in junior high school from the T.V. show Alice. Alice's son had been asked to go on a fishing trip with a friend of hers and then at some point in the show it was discovered that he was "gay." I looked the term up in the dictionary. That lead me to homosexual. That lead me to understand gay was what boy's were that liked other boys. I don't know if I thought of myself that way but there was a term to it.

I spent my puberty years lusting after the boys in my yearbooks. R.H. and D.H. were favorite fantasies of mine. I also found a couple of Penthouse magazines my father had and I was much more interested in the men than I was the women. At this point I would have never admitted this or talked about it with anyone. I've known since I was very young that sex was not something you talked about openly with anyone.

About the time I was ready to get my driver's license an uncle was visiting our house. He was a truck driver and was telling my parents a story about a man coming on to him at a rest area. He ended up punching the guy several times before driving a way. My interest was peaked, maybe that was where boys who liked boys went. To rest areas. I got my drivers license several weeks later and got in to my newly purchase 1971 Chevy Impala (It was as big as Texas) and around 10:00 p.m. found myself in the parking lot of the rest area up the highway from my parent's house. Nothing happened that night but the writing was on the wall if you get my drift. It took several trips but eventually one night I was "picked up" by a beautiful shirtless man. We talked for a few minutes by the picnic tables and then made our way down into the trees. I was so nervous my teeth were chattering.

We did our thing and I made my way back to my car. I felt so dirty and so bad and swore to myself that I would never do that again. And I didn't for a week or two. And then the pull brought me back to the same place. Over the next two years I frequented this place every couple of weeks. After each visit I would swear it was the last time and that it would never happen again. It's funny because I remember being terrified that I was going to get herpes because it had been in the news and all the reports talked about there being no cure. This was several years before AIDS would come into the picture.

During this same time I had a girlfriend. We never did anything more than kiss. I think I played with her tits a couple of time. But I don't think either of us were wanting to go any farther. We dated until the end of my freshman year of college and then she began dating a new guy. If I had to guess I'd say that he was gay to. But that's a different story.

I started college at a small religious college in Kentucky. It didn't help my extra-curricular activities. In fact it probably made them worse. There was no outlet to talk to anyone and I was driven even farther into the closet. Homosexuality was a sin and not to be spoken about. I joined a fraternity, and became one of the guys. I never had a girlfriend but I had the most beautiful dates for all of our parties and events. I did all the things you were supposed to do as a "guy" except for the girl thing. What's funny, is looking back on it, out of the 10 guys in my pledge class I know now that three of us were gay and I suspect two others are too, although we've never talked about it.

In college I didn't dare go to gay bars because I was convinced someone I knew would see me. So I continued to frequent places known for gay sex. It's amazing how far word of mouth would take you, along with some writing on the bathroom wall, before the internet. At this point I didn't know that you could live out of the closet. That people might be okay with the fact that you were gay. There were boys I met at some of the places that I saw more than once. In fact I became quite enamored of one but I think I scared him and he soon ended it. And back I would go to my "places" to be bad. Continuing to promise after each time to never do it again.

After college I moved to Atlanta. I had a corporate job that lasted about 2 months before I went in to my boss, thanked him for the opportunity and quit. To this day it was one of the worst jobs of my life. I worked at J.C. Penny's for a while and then had a boy that I messed around with say to me that I could make more money waiting tables and that his boyfriend could get me hired. (Don't ask. I was friends with both of them till they left Atlanta.) I applied for the waiting job, lied about my experience and was hired.

I immediately fit right in and I took to waiting like nothing I had ever done. I was good at it. Within a couple of days I made a shocking discovery. ALL of the front of house staff except for two bartenders were gay. Not only were they gay, but they were openly gay. They joked about it. They made girlfriend and Mary jokes. They were gay and okay with it. They were all kinds of gay. There was body builder guy. Swishy hostess guy. There was chubby musical theatre guy. There was model guy. There was drug dealer guy. There was cross dressing guy. And there was me. Within a couple of days I found out there was a bet on whether I was gay or straight. All the boys said I was gay. All the girls said I was straight. I lied. Of course I was straight. I could never be gay.

I was young, making more money than I ever had before and I was surrounded by gay men. I was scared shitless. I began flirting with a couple of girls. One in particular. S.W. She was beautiful, and funny, and smart. She was smitten. About two months after I started working there S.W. invited me along with the rest of the restaurant to her and her roommates first annual Jewish Christmas Party. It was to be a huge event and anybody who was anybody would be there. Of course I went. I spent the first half of the evening having fun, drinking too much and flirting with S.W. At one point at th party I laid one on her under the mistletoe. And if I am being honest here I think I might of even given her a hicky.

And I continued to drink. I found myself too drunk to drive and suddenly D. (I don't remember his last name) offered to drive me home. Long story short I ended up naked in the hot tub at his apartment. I spent the night with him. I didn't have my car and I had to be at work the next morning. D. and I strolled in together. The cat was out of the bag. It was one of the longest weekends of my life because suddenly everyone knew and S.W. was no longer speaking to me.

In truth it was for the best. I was out of the closet. I found that suddenly it was okay to be gay. It was okay to sing show tunes in the kitchen. It was okay to snap my fingers and say "you go girl." It was okay to do a lot of things I had been hiding all of these years. I came out of my shell. I learned to joke. And be witty. And have snappy comebacks. And I learned that it was okay to be me. That people would like me for me. At this point I'll add that S.W. didn't have much to do with me for about six months. Then we started hanging out together and became inseparable. We are still great friends and she is one of the dearest people to me in my life. In fact it was S.W. that I stayed with on the evening of 9-11.

These stories are never short so bare with me.

I spent two years in Atlanta. Made some great friends. Dated some wonderful boys. Continued to frequent some of those "bad places" and learned to be gay. There was a point when it was time to leave and I moved back home to go to graduate school. The weekend I moved back I met J.C. and we became instant boyfriends. Now I was in my hometown, with a boyfriend, going to school. My new rule was I might not tell you I was gay but if you asked I wouldn't lie. Within a couple of months everyone at school knew, everyone at work knew and I was just living my life.

Since that time I have lived my life that way. I might not tell you but if you ask I won't lie. I don't always let people know right away because I want them to judge whether they like me not on my sexuality but on the person they meet. My being gay is important to me, but it's not the end all be all of my life.

As for my family. Two years after I moved back home I started dating S.G. He's the love of my life from posts about a month ago. (I promise I'll finish the story.) We moved into together into a beautiful house that had been sub-divided into apartments. We had about a 1200 square foot one bedroom apartment with one bed. For two years in a row S.G. and I hosted my entire extended family for Christmas Eve and we never hid any part of our lives. The books remained out. The magazines remained out. We only had one bed and it was no secret. Everyone had a great time, they loved S.G. and no one asked.

No one has ever asked. Well not really. I am not that close to my family. I love them dearly but I don't discuss much about my life with them and they have never understood me. They don't understand why I would want to go to school for 22 of my 41 years. They don't understand why I would want to leave Kentucky. They don't understand my profession. They don't understand why I do anything. So when we talk, we talk about the weather, and the weather, and well, the weather. And if things really get going we'll gossip about the other family members. But we don't really talk about my life. We never discuss the details of my personal life. They don't ask. I don't tell.

In fact until my father died I had never discussed it with anyone. But in May of 2003 when my father died unexpectedly from a heart attack, D.L.C. (the evil boyfriend) and I flew home to do the things you must do when a parent dies. He attended every event and we slept together in the same bed. He was very much a part of the family and no one questioned his attendance. Not until after the funeral. I had a couple of cousins who told me how much they liked him and that he was a keeper. Two of my aunts told me how much they liked him. I now have a few family members that will ask after him and I have told them we are no longer together.

There's really no reason I didn't tell both of my parents when my father was alive. Or even my mother now. They have always been accepting of whomever I brought home with me. In my time I have brought home just about every kind of person you could think of and they have always been welcome. In fact there are less than savory people my mother will still ask about and I don't have the heart to tell her why I don't still speak to them. And since I am spilling my guts I should also let you know that my brother is also gay and he told my parents years ago. And still I didn't tell them. I just don't think it's important. Not yet. But as I have said. I'll never hide it.

2006-10-09T07:07:00.000-04:00

I danced tonight. I don't dance. I haven't danced in 4 years. The last time I remember dancing was fall of 2002. I have to be drunk to dance. And tonight I was a little more than tipsy. I was several sheets to the wind and said what the fuck...and danced. All I can say is that I hope that I didn't embarrass myself too badly. But if I did who cares. I had fun and that's what counts.

2006-10-08T06:00:00.000-04:00

Today is Sunday. You have no idea how happy that makes me. First off, tomorrow is my day off. Secondly, Sunday's are an easy work day and there's a huge party to cap off the end of the day with all the free booze you can drink. Third, I only have 4 more days until this little project that I have been on is over and done. It has been one serious pain in my ass. Needless to say I am feeling better than I have in a while.

I have had a good day. Of course it started out with a bang. I have been turning the ringer off on my cell phone when I go to bed so that I can sleep in in the mornings. Although I work long hours, I usually don't have to be in until noon, so it's nice to sleep in. Last night I forgot to turn it off. I got seven phone calls this morning before 10 a.m. I didn't take any of them. I rolled over and pretended the phone wasn't ringing. They were all from people that I would love to talk to, just not at 8:30 in the morning. On top of that, all of my friends know that they can call me as late as they want in the evening, but to never call me early in the morning. Especially my best friend M.M. who called first today.

I finally got out of bed at 11:00 and headed off to work. It was an easy day although one of my crew decided she was too sick to work and caused me some serious headaches. She ended up being fine, blaming her illness on "that time of the month" and how can I argue with that. It might help though if she weren't so damn crazy anyway.

I finished up work at 11:00 p.m and headed over to school to drink beer with my good friend T.O. He's got a big project due on Monday so I watched him work, proofed several drawings he was working on, and drank a couple of beers. I miss being at school a lot. It's nice in graduate school because you aren't taking "general studies" courses. All of your classes are in subjects that interest you. I also miss the people. The offices were buzzing with people tonight. There were at least 10 or so people around working on projects of different sorts. I of course wandered around annoying them as much, I mean as little as possible.

2:00 a.m. was my curfew so I just got home a little while ago. I am about to brush my teeth and go to bed. I feel like I am rambling and perhaps I am, but I wanted to share my great day with you and let you know what was going on. I don't have to be at work until 2 p.m. tomorrow so the ringer's already off on my phone and I plan on sleeping until noon. Yay, me.

2006-10-06T04:16:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for inspiration tonight. I have a couple of posts that I want to do but they'll take a while to write and it's 1:15 a.m. and I don't think I'm awake enough to write them. And I have nothing brief to say. I could whine about my job (I have six more days left). I could whine about the annoying intern who still thinks she's in charge. I could whine about how much it's going to cost to move my stuff from San Diego to NYC. I could whine about being fat. I could whine about being broke. I could whine about my rental car. I could whine about not being in bed.

In truth I could whine about a lot of things. But in fact I don't want to. I don't like being that person. There's a lot that's not right in my life. Things I wished were different, that I could change. But in fact I have an okay existence. I have great friends who take care of me. I have enough money in the bank to pay my rent for the next several months. I have three college degrees so surely someone will give me a job. In just two weeks I'll be back home in NYC and this crappy job will be behind me. Although the job has sucked it brought me to San Diego where I have been able to visit with many close friends. Although I am overweight, I am healthy and have no serious health problems. (knock on wood) For all of my family's craziness they love me and care about me.

My point -- Life is okay. So for tonight I am going to appreciate it's okayness and celebrate that fact. Who knows tomorrow I'll be back to ungrateful, bitchy Maddog. But today I am feeling gratitude. I'll end the day with this gratitude and be thankful for all the good that I have in my life.

2006-10-05T06:10:00.000-04:00

Recently I turned off word verification for my commentors because I had decided since I wasn't getting that many hits did I really have to worry about spam comments. The word verification is especially annoying because it's soooo many letters. I also know that my computer likes to help me fill in the blank which means I have to submit the form a couple of time before it goes through. I thought if I did this perhaps more people would leave comments.

And then today I get a comment letting me know that although the reader didn't find what they were looking for in my blog, I could make extra money as a secret shopper. Guess I was wrong. I have turned the dreaded verification back on. I hope it doesn't annoy too many people.

2006-10-04T04:09:00.000-04:00

I have spent most of my life not fitting in. It started as a kid in my own family. I was the "smart" one. I liked to read. I liked school. I always told my parents where I was going to be and I always came home when I was told to. I was referred to as a "sissy" and a "momma's boy" a lot as a kid. And this was by my family. My cousins didn't understand why I would want to do my homework. I have an aunt who is nine years older than me who gave me nothing but grief as a child. She constantly made fun of the way I walked telling me "I walked like a girl". To this day I don't like people walking behind me.

It wasn't much better at school. The teasing and remarks started in junior high school and continued through high school. I didn't live in the right neighborhood and my parents didn't have the right jobs. We didn't have a telephone until I was in the sixth grade. We rented our house, and I didn't get my own bedroom. It also didn't help that I wasn't good at sports. I was picked last a lot and if not last very much toward the bottom of the pool. I was teased for being in the drama club and it was very much assumed that I was gay.

It got better in college, but not a lot. I went to a small conservative liberal arts school in Kentucky, as most of them are. I wasn't religious enough so I heard about that. Once again, I didn't have the right income so I heard about that. It was also the time that I started gaining weight for the first time and my fraternity brothers were relentless about that. It's when I learned to sneak food because I got so tired of everything I ate being noticed. It was easier to have a small portion and then go out later and get something substantial. I was a theatre major so once again I was given crap about not having a real major and it was very much assumed that I was gay.

After college things were better. I found that I surrounded myself with people who were like me. My jobs right after college were in restaurants where most of the staff was gay. I came out of the closet. I learned to stand up for myself, laugh at myself and accept myself. I did more growing up in the two years after college than I had my entire life.

Since then I have rarely been in situations where people didn't like me or teased me. I am sure it has a lot to do with how I present myself and how I respond to them. I also learned that if you can laugh at yourself most of the time people realize that it has no power. I have also found that since college I fit in much better. I have been one of the gang. Someone people want to hang out with. I have created my own groups of people that other people want to be a part of. And I try my hardest not to be exclusionary. If you want to play you are more than welcome.

And it's been that way for a while. At least until I got to San Diego to do this job. Suddenly I am not one of the gang. In fact I am hardly acknowledged at all. And I am definitely excluded from playing. I realized this about a week ago. I realized that I was being told I was done at the dinner break ahead of the rest of the team. At first I thought they were being nice. I would then ask what the first assistant S.T. was doing for dinner and I was always told he was staying to work through dinner. I believed him. Until the night I was waiting to go to dinner with some friends of mine. Seems he and A.Z. were waiting until I left to go have dinner alone. Once I was discovered this I became very aware of it. Without being told it was made very clear that I was not invited to join them at lunch or dinner.

Tonight was S.T.'s last night in town. He's the first assistant and he's flying to NYC tomorrow to do another project. In hushed whispers I discovered that everyone else on the team was getting together for drinks tonight after work. Everyone but me. I was not invited. I wasn't even told about it. If it hadn't been for being at the right place (wrong place) at the right time I wouldn't have even known about it.

The point to tonight's post. It hurts just as much as a 41 year old as it did as a kid to be left out. I can intellectually know that I wouldn't want to be there anyway. And chances are I would have said I was going home. But to be openly excluded like that doesn't feel good. It makes me feel less than as a human being. It makes me feel like shit to put it bluntly. And I don't like it. In truth I don't really like these people much. But that's not the point. I feel like it's third grade again and I didn't get invited to the birthday party. It makes me angry and when I get angry I shut down and I still have a weeks worth of work to do that I can't do shut down.

In a different time and place I would have made a point to say something and let them know how angry I am. But I won't give them the pleasure. Besides in the end it really isn't that important now is it? I'll go back to NYC and I will resume my life there and I won't think about these people. And if I do I won't remember them for their talent, or their work ethic, or their abilities. I'll remember them for being childish asses that don't deserve the effort I have spent tonight writing this post.

Fuck 'em.